For months, i have wanted to wash away everything i am feeling and run like hell from my life.
Back in August my mom passed away after a fall that fractured her neck (July 13). I was out of the country and my siblings said not to come home and that she was ok. When i got home, i saw my mom, she was uncomfortable, or course, but i thought she would be better with therapy. In reality she declined and by August 16th we had to place her on hospice. My one sister and I, along with my SO were the ones who were hands on taking care of her as she declined, become non verbal, and wasnât really with us. But i know she could hear us. I spoke to her every day, several times a day. i took a leave of absence to help with her care, sleeping in a chair to stay with her. My other sister said she couldnât do the hands on care for mom. She would say sheâd stay with Mom, but she would leave her alone in that bed for hours while she went outside with Dad. Dad needed support too, but she wouldnât even go to check on Mom for hours. Once we found this out, we made sure someone else was there with Mom so she could go with Dad.
Mom passed away on August 24, late, around 1030pm, so her DOD is listed ask 8-25.
Since then my dad took a fall and broke his hip, he has ended up in AL because after the anesthetic he has progressed to dementia (he was on the fringes, but it got worse after). He still knows who we all are, he just wants to wander off and forgets where he is sometimes, or he will go somewhere and not remember how he got there. It could be much worse, i realize that, so i have to count that as a blessing. He is so broken, so shattered, so alone. He would weep in front of me, i was his safe person to break down with. My SO and i take him by Mom as often as we can, and my sisterâs just seem to avoid going by Mom. But that is their things, and i respect that everyone mourns in their own way.
My SO has tried to be supportive for me, always there for me. She loves me. But i am closed off, and i am tired of hurting, i am tired of feeling, and i have started to numb out. I do this by mentally vacating my life (sometimes with video games) and sometimes with medications.
I lied to myself about my Mom coming home, i thought she would at least be able to be home, even with help to get her around the house. But that was never an option. It as something I put in my head.
I lied to myself about my Dad being able to stay in their home. Because his mind is not going to come back. I thought once the anesthetic worked its way out, he would be ok. he was forgetful before, but it got dramatically worse. He was in the past, before he even met mom sometimes, while he was in the army right after they were married, he didnât remember he was there when Mom passed away. he didnât remember her funeral. he didnât remember he was part of the conversation about his moving to an assisted living place. They were married for 66 years. and Mom died 6 days before her birthday.
Aside from all of this, there has been a lot of drama and resentments built up between my one sister and I, and our other sister. Thatâs an entirely separate topic.
After all of this, the long and short of this is that I feel like no one understands how alone i am. A year and a half prior to this, i lost my best friend and âbabyâ - my dog. He was always my go to when i felt this way. My SO and I have a dog, but he is not all mine. Selfish I know, but i just need someone who is mine (i am an animal person, not a people person).
I feel alone. I feel broken. I donât wan to feel and instead of drinking, i have found that there are a few pills i can take to numb me out. But a couple of my friends and my SO have come to realize that i am doing this, and i am afraid this will become a big deal. I just need to get through this rough patch. But i donât want to be married any more, i donât want to have step kids, i donât want to have to share my space. I was alone for most of my life, i had time to myself that I cant seem to find anymore. I have been teetering on drinking for months, and i still want to. And i canât promise that i wont. If they say i cant just take the pills to get through, how will i get through?
I have a counselor and i talk to her about this. She is the only one i talk to about anything really. My trust in everyone has become shaky and delicate and it doesnât take much to break the string.
The barrier i have around me is thick, and strong. But i am not strong. i am so weak. I would like to go to sleep and not wake, but i know i wont. I wont actively harm myself or try to kill myself. I just want to be left alone, with my dog. Until I decide to deal with it, but i donât wan to do it with the place i am currently in.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Scwerl
