My darkness

Your Story
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So now that I have a little time. I thought I would go in depth with the abyss I have lived in for so long. Despite the title I won’t share all of my demons. Some of them are too painful or embarassing to share with total strangers.

My whole life since I was 16 had been one of selfishness. Substance abuse. I was a power lifter in high school. I qualified for the junior olympics. I am a Marine OIF vet. I was a brilliant student. Really intelligent.

But alcohol , weed and drugs got in the way. In the end alcohol was the main one. Every bad decision I have made was a result of alcohol being a factor. Every arrest I have had. Alcohol was a factor.

Because of me a fellow Marine got killed. I convinced him to go to a bar. He ended up crossing the road getting hit by a car. If it had not been for me convincing him. He never would have went out that night. I carry that on my shoulders.

I was accused of rape shortly after. About seven months. I was innocent. Though it took a year to bring it to a courtmartial before I was aquitted.

In all of that I just boozed heavier. I began to hate everything. A few years after I got out of the Corps. I was diagnosed with ptsd. I drank to cover that too .

The only God I ever truly served was the bottle. I was and am selfishness incarnate. When I look back. I know why I wasnt invited to friends weddings. Because I was a drunk.

It gets bad when even chatters on a chat site know you are a drunk. Call you that. When everyone around you calls you that. Funny a drunk is the last to know what they are.

I had an abusive childhood. Still fills me with rage to this day. That I can not seem to let go and heal. My grandfather wanted nothing to do with me. I grew up not knowing what grandparents really were .

I have lied , cheated and acted about as dishonorably as one can imagine. It is gravely shameful when I look back at my life.

I never knew love. I was too concerned with getting drunk to give a damn. One night stands. More then I can remember. While my friends were building families . Having meaningful fulfilling relationships. I was doing the opposite.

I feel like this life and all the boozing I have done. Has made me lose my soul. I dont feel like I am anything other then superficial. I dont know how to love.

I know I am loyal to those few that I can tell care. I would give the shirt off my back for those people. But in the end maybe thats just superficial too. Because the same people I care about. I have manipulated and been selfish towards.

In closing I think my personal hell became so powerful. I wanted to force that hell and pain on others. In a twisted sense so I wouldnt be alone.

Now I want to be sober and learn to live. Because all I have been doing is been a living death.

I have to believe there is hope and its not too late. Because if there is no hope. If it is too late. To learn to live and love. Then there is no point in getting sober.

So despite it all. I choose to believe I can change.

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That was very powerful. I’m proud of your decision to want change. We all say it, we all want some transformation but the difficulties in changing a life long battle alone are difficult. That inner desire you have and applying the passion you had for drinking to living will be your ally.

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Thanks for reading it. I appreciate your compliment. I never thought of it that way. You bring up an awesome point. I think that can be my ally. I agree with you. Thank you for the feed back. Greatly appreciated :smile:

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This statement makes me sad. I want you to remember that we do not choose addiction…addiction comes to us because of other things that we didn’t know how to deal with. All of your story sounds to me like someone who has lived with a lot of pain and used substances to self medicate. Absolutely alcohol caused a lot of pain to other people in your life too but that doesn’t mean it was because you were selfish…you were sick.

I am glad that you are going to get help for this illness and I hope that you are able to make amends and learn to live with yourself and your past. I don’t believe in “bad people”…I believe that all people are good in their core, you just need to find that good person and live that good life. I know you can do it.

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Your share was so honest and so powerful @Stuart_Orton. By posting that, you are helping countless other alcoholics with your story. You may not be able to see that, but when you share like that - from the heart - it reaches other people who are struggling. They know they are not alone in their shame and sorrow. We see our story in yours and can empathize and encourage each other.

You have a very resilient spirit. As @VSue said, don’t let the demon alcohol take hold of you, you were sick and you are yearning to be well. I highly recommend a recovery program of some kind. I chose AA and it has made all the difference. I am accepted and loved in my home group. You will find that support and encouragement in whatever program you choose, as well as with the wonderful people on this site.

Take care! Stay strong and stay connected here. We will be here as you take your journey. Thank you so much for sharing with us today!

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@VSue I appreciate what you said. It just feels that way looking back over the bridge of time that i’ve been a really horrible person. There are so few happy days compared to the bad ones. That it is easy to self hate. Perhaps when I spoke about learning to love. It is me I have got to learn to love. Though that sounds selfish to myself as well. In know my sense of good and bad is twisted. Like the Gordian knot. I hope sobriety is the sword that can cut that knot in half. Thank you for taking the time to read abd respond. I appreciate it very much. :hugs::innocent:

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@Roga Hey I really appreciate your comment. If anything I write helps someone else struggling. Then I am thankful. I have friends that struggle. I talk to them. One guy. In the corps I stood watch with him one time. We never got along. Years later he messaged me out of the blue. Had a drinking problem. Hes staying sober. We’ve talked more since that one day on watch then I can believe. I dont know why he chose to talk to me but he did. Though it makes me feel shitty I could help him stay sober and not myself. Reminds me of the quote “Physician heal thine self.”

As far as AA goes. I tried it last year. I was sober 84 days. Then convinced myself I could control it. So entered another year of hellish existance.
Going back just was not the same for me. I got looks ect. Which made me feel pretty crappy.
The coup de grace was when I was sitting at a picnic bench and some old lady was taking a pic of my licence plate. I asked her why . She said she wanted a pic of my Semper Fidelis bumper sticker. I really didnt believe that tbh.

I dont fit in so much with them at least here. They are all older. 50’s and up and I am 33. I have full sleeves on my arm and that makes me stand out as well.

I am sure they are good people. There are a lot of good people I met. I just do not feel welcome. It is why I came here actually. I was just looking for a sobriety tracking app.

Then found this with a forum and everything :grinning: which for me is awesome. Because I can connect with others.

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@anon69871201 You are welcome and thank you. :blush:

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Hi guys I could really use someone to talk to I get trying and failing and I feel this is going to kill me

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@Woolfish Hey you can talk to me . I don’t mind listening.

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I just keep trying and seem to fail and then feel like I fail everyone else and they don’t get why hell I don’t get why I do it

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