Man, it is truly amazing all of the INSANITY addiction has put me through and yet I still have the obsession to use. I feel like I am sometimes constantly bombarded with LIES by my addiction, trying to trick me into getting high. Some days Everything is a trigger. I have craving after craving, memory after memory; an endless cycle of back-and-forth bargaining with the big bad addiction monster who is begging to be fed. It can be so exhausting battling this. My thoughts are so dangerous. Sleep can’t even save me because half the time I dream about drinking and using. I really wish it would just go away, I’m so afraid of relapsing. I know it would be my choice, but it feels involuntary. I feel like a prisoner. Knowing this is something I will have to work on for the rest of my life seems so overwhelming. One Day At A Time. One Hour At A Time. One Second At A Time. I’m really trying.
Your not alone though buddy🙏
It is a cunning disease - takes EVERYTHING from you and keeps you begging for more.
Do not think of having to do this battle for the rest of your life. Like you said - ODAAT to One second at a time … whatever gets you to the next 24 hours. We are right here for you so reach out when you need. Can not battle this demon alone.
I do know the longer I am without it the easier it is to fight the urges and dismiss the lies that my addict brain tries to feed me. Find ways to keep yourself busy and also surround yourself with support and stay away from triggers (people and places).
We are actually 1000% better off without it. Mentally, physicall, emotionally and spiritually. Keep showing up for yourself and stay strong 
I really hear you. Do you go to any meetings? Talking about these feelings out loud, with others who understand is very therapeutic.
I know exactly what you mean! It seemed like my car was on autopilot as i drove to the liquor store. But…it was ME behind the wheel. But, here i am many days later…sober. So, hang in there. You can do this.
@FreeingFalkor it really is insanity, I totally get it. You said you are afraid of relapsing, do you mind sharing how long you have been sober for? I had tried cutting down and even stopping drinking several times over 20 years, but like you said - it feels involuntary, like there is no control over going back to the addiction. My circuit-breaker was 100% the medical inpatient detox I completed 3 weeks ago yesterday. It was a public unit, so it had a waiting list but it was SO worth it. The medical supervision and medications to help with dangerous side-effects of suddenly stopping such extreme alcohol use (like seizures) really made the physical detox pretty easy. Not sure if this is something you are interested in, but it might be worth considering (if you haven’t done so already). I was also put on anti-craving medication, not sure if it is that or that I just tend to feel better with less reasons to numb myself now and don’t want to fail again that keeps me going,
I have also found that being active on the forums for 3 weeks has been a great source of encouragement, I hope you find the same thing for yourself.
Encouragement and blessings to you xo
Thank you so much for your support. Last night was rough for me but I made it through and I am so grateful to still be here and still be clean and on my path of recovery. You are so right, my addiction has already taken so much from me, its just begging to take my life, but I won’t let it. I am trying to broaden my network and am looking into finding a new sponsor who might really jump-start my recovery through these downfalls.
Hi there! I appreciate your reply. I do go to meetings. Usually I hit a night meeting on Tuesdays, but I knew I had to get to one sooner. I went and shared almost this exact post and it was so hard to get through without crying. After I felt worse for a little bit, my anxiety went wild feeling that vulnerable. My heart was racing, my leg was shaking, I was quite literally white knuckling it, squeezing my hands together to not completely fall apart. But once the meeting ended many people came forward to show their support and I felt safe and happy to have shared.
Thank you!! That feeling absolutely SUCKS. I am so used to giving in to my addiction, taking that drive knowing I would fall back into its grips and be stuck starting back at zero. Not giving in is a major accomplishment for me. Thank you for replying and showing I’m not alone.
I am a little over 60 days clean of all substances (except caffeine and nicotine) Ugh!
I did do a week in detox and a week in rehab. I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to go to an inpatient facility. The outside world is so scary man. I find going to meetings everyday and posting on here helps me a lot. I hear the first year of recovery is like a roller-coaster, I’ll have some really good, high-motivation days and other days I’m like a frightened little girl unsure of my whole entire life. I am just going to keep on pushing forward and try to get over this hump and onto brighter days. Thank you for your reply and I am wishing you the best on your recovery as well. We got this!
@FreeingFalkor 60 days is fantastic! We have got this for sure 
I don’t know if it will help you, but I have become competitive with myself and need to reach each week milestone of being sober. If I lapsed/relapsed I would need to start all over again and that would make me cranky at myself 
Keep up the good work, lots of encouragement and strength to you.
I think the shares that make you a little upset are often the ones that are important to share. Glad some people came forward to support you.