Went for therapy session at the treatment center I went about two years ago. A therapist joined who has experience with PMO. Swiftly he moved to the questions which feelings I have tucked away and is still a huge bubble.
I mentioned the sexual abuse of which I have no images that has been coming up in earlier treatments. My body started shacking and uncontrolled crying, when I started talking. In earlier treatment they told me they cant’t work with it if you have no images. The only image I have is some kind of church window. So I had put it away so deep I didn’t mention it in the last treatment. Today they told me I don’t need images as my reaction says it all. Totally rejection myself by putting it away.
Having a hard time now, tried to solve the puzzle before. Talked to my parents, brother, searched the pastor on internet. Encountered him wants and I though he was shocked to see me. Respond of my father, brother never convinced me, me grandpa was the sacristan in the church.
Gonna go for a drive with music, reorganizing my thoughts, crying. Craving for wodka now, fuck this
Heavy shit.
Driving may not be the safest thing right now as you are so distracted by distress. Roads are dangerous at the best of times, more so when your attention is elsewhere.
Please get yourself somewhere safe soon.
I don’t know how you begin to process this kind of thing, but sounds like you have a good team there to help guide you. Hold on tight to yourself, your safety, and your sobriety.
Oh Rob, that’s some really tough work you are doing. I have been embarking on some myself. The feelings that come up for me are a bit confusing and they hurt. All I know though is that today I am safe, right now in this moment nobody can hurt me. So processing those painful situations for me in this safe place I am now is ok. I will not be in a safe place anymore if I start drinking again.
Your wounded self is telling you to escape those feelings, just like it always has. But you are older now and you have the support which can help you through the feelings . Instead of getting the vodka why not try telling your wounded self, " I see you’re trying to protect me from feeling these feelings, but I am going to be ok." And find a healthier way to relax. Hot shower, brisk walk…
Turned around, it’s just we’re I need to be right now. Even my ADHD symptoms disappeared according to one of the therapist when I connected to the feeling….all bit confusing
Decided to take their’s and your advice. Bought a nice prep meal. Had a vague look at the wodka, but it’s not my friend anymore. Gonna go for a shower and get dressed. Have planned a outdoor movie in town with a girlfriend, it’s a Dutch movie around alcohol (drama/comedy style). Told the therapists that I will go since sitting here brings me nothing now and life goes on.
Thanks for your support insights, it sure helped me turn this around
Hey Rob, this is really heavy. I’m sure you are making the right decision to face your feelings and what memories you have of this. from what I know, proof or conrete memories are not needed to approach and deal with sexual trauma in therapie. you come back to it over the time of your treatment, more stuff might emerge or might not. you can still learn to address it and deal with it. there is hope for you my friend. I am glad you are safe and not alone tonight. you are certainly not alone with such experiences and the pain that comes with them. big hugs.
