My heart is exploding

I reset my clock because the original was probably not correct. I have not touched a drop, although I am thinking about it. Anyway in one of my most recent posts I wrote of the miserable circumstances in which I grew up. However, I can deal with that. What I cannot deal with is my own horrendous actions/nonactions. After I came of age I spent my entire adult life living with my mother who was frail. Except for a brief period I never had a job. I never respected my mother’s wishes in her house (a poor bungalow house with constant problems.) My mother was frail and delicate and unable to work, whereas I inspite of my disability, at the time was strong and could have worked, with medication for pain. My mother of course was not perfect, nobody is, but she was a beautiful person (and along with us kids, a victim of my father’s abuse). But what did I do? I either did my share of chores very badly, leaving unsanitary conditions to build up, or usually, not at all. I lied and snuck and stole her food (she needed special foods and I liked some of it), stole (small amounts) of cash to buy chocolates. And when she became very ill, and I became her caretaker. I criminally neglected her until the angels bore her away from unspeakable physical horror and suffering. Not on purpose but because I seemed to be a zombie but that is no excuse. The police came and photographed the scene, and I do not know why they didn’t put me in prison (if she had been my child instead of my mother they would have). I probably would have gone to prison if, at the last minute, I had not become scared and called the ambulance. I should have either gone to prison or a mental place. I am responsible for my mother’s unbearable suffering and passing and yet, here I am, a criminal who got away with it. How, pray tell, can I even stand to be in my own sorry skin???

3 Likes

Sharing your mental pain and anguish is what will help. You just did some here. There are therapists who can help, too.
For me to be okay with myself after all the shittery I had done I sought help. AA, therapy counseling & I was able to learn/understand the importance to accept that I cannot change the past. None of us can.

Oh, and don’t drink please it won’t help a damn thing. Keep it up, you’re doing great things!

2 Likes

Actually, it is a legitimate excuse.

Feeling like a zombie is a type of dissociation, and dissociation is a psychological defence mechanism that’s very common among adults who grew up in situations of abuse (like you). You are not guilty and it is not your fault. It was never your fault. None of this - none of what your father did, and none of what happened to your mother - is your fault.

3 Likes