Hi all, my name’s Greg (or as in my native language Grzegorz). I’d like to tell you something about my addiction, and in fact how it is linked to my deep-hidden depression.
I’m 28 years old (yeah, I’m past 27 club, high five - lol), I’ve started using alcohol around age of 15 and drugs around my 20ths. For most of these years I was/I’m so-called high-functioning addict, only because I always have had some set of rules around my alcohol/drug use; for instance first the duties, then the pleasure.
At first, as I thought I perceived my addiction as kind of reward system for all the merits I’m doing in order to achieve some professional success. But by the time I realized that the real cause of that is much diffrent/nevertheless I’ve completly destroyed my dopamine/reward system by my idiotism - bc thats what it is.
I was doing all sort of drugs, all days apart from working hours so I’d be sensible enough to do what I have to do. But at the very begining of this year I started for the first time in my life to shoot them into my veins (opioids, stimulants and psychedelics). Which caused me to somehow ‘wake up’. And thats how the ‘war with myself’ begin. By ‘wake up’ I mean that ive realized I’m addicted.
Later around June I’ve tried detox clinic and after that rehab, but after 41 days of rehab I was kicked out because… I took drugs as soon as I had a chance, and I couldn’t admit the fact.
Later, after that situation I went to my parents. Because I couldn’t trust myself and I didn’t really had much choice really. And… I was lying, I had multiple hidden syringes and drugs that I administred to myself which soon caused overdose and me landing and ER, after which I’ve spent two nights at psychiatric facility because they suspected suicidal tendencies.
After that it took me a week to took mdma, litre of vodka and some fentanyl (smoked).
And here I’m. } Thats just a long story short about the addiction in recent 2017.
What I’ve learned from/after the rehab is that in reality for most of my lifetime I was ‘self-medicating’ myself to treat depression, suicidal thoughts (which I have since I can remember), social anxieties and low self-esteem. I was ‘escaping’ from reality so do speak, so I could be free from all the negativity in my head.
I was heavly beaten and humiliated by my father as I child, he made me feel inferior, depressed and shy. At least thats how I understand how I’ve become a person I’m
And even now, I wan’t to stop doing all the bad habits and addictions I have (everything from alcoholism, drugs, through sex addiction, ending by workaholism), yet I don’t feel as strong. It’s just that I can stand couple of days free of them, but then a ‘devil’ wakes up and f***s up eveything. And it doesn’t shows up as need for opiates or some other thing, it just a general need to get high 
I have problem with admiting completly to my problems due to my high-functioning, yet I can see that I have a great loss because of by habits.
I’m unable to form deep/profound relationships, I’ve never been in love/hate/lack emotions apart from negative ones, I’m unable to feel happy or just to enjoy the little things. As for love/hate, I dont even love my parents or siblings, so how f****d up I’m as a human being? I’m completly indiffrient, selfish and a bit sociopathic, because after all, all that matters to me are my gains or pleasure.
This makes me sad (I think it’s called sadness, that feeling of emptyness), which is a good thing I guess. It’s a mark of some sort of change maybe, but also maybe it’s an ilussion of my subcounciouness to make myself feel better and rationalize my own addiction or whatever.
I feel weak as for my addiction, I feel weak as for my personal relations (which I’m able to fake - but don’t want anymore), I feel I want to change, get up and do something about it.
So I guess I’ll be around and spam you guys about my problems just to get it over my head lol 
hope you don’t mind, my by feeling a bit anonymous I will be able to talk freely and admit to my problems, to myself and others…
And two weeks ago I’ve started to take antidepressant (wellbutrin), so I could maybe start fighting my depression without the drugs, Although as for now I don’t seem to feel any effects of them (even the side effects)