I’ve been in AA for about six months now. And it’s changed my life.
I have had little trouble staying sober. I can’t stand the thought of drinking anymore, and I’m gladly done with that phase of my life. But who knows whether or not there’ll come a time when I do struggle? If that happens, I’ll have AA to keep me strong.
It’s helping me and changing my life in other ways for now.
I have friends again, local friends that I see and talk to on a regular basis.
I want to do the Twelve Steps, not just to stay sober, but also to become a better person. They force a person to take a long, hard look at their character defects and work to improve them. That’s never a bad thing. It won’t be easy, but I know it’ll be beyond worth doing. It’ll make me a better me and a better wife and mother.
Most miraculously, it has helped me find faith. Believing in a Higher Power is something that is essential in AA.
I’ve always been an agnostic. I’ve never believed in or followed any organized religion–still don’t, never will. But I’ve always believed (well, until now, more like hoped) there was something out there, something bigger than us that was running the show.
The Big Book says something so simple, but so profound: There is no proof whatsoever that there is a God; but there’s no definitive proof that there isn’t, either. Also,
“Who are we to say there is no God?”
I’ve always believed that science and religion don’t have to be mutually exclusive. They can exist side-by-side. A huge percentage of scientists believe the same. Just because there is a scientific explanation for something doesn’t mean that explanation actually applies to the given situation. The scientific explanation is only a potential explanation. The supernatural, or God(s), is the other potential. There’s nothing at all that says for sure that a Higher Power doesn’t exist.
Looking at it this way makes it so much easier for me to, not just hope, but believe there is one.
AA says that in order for it to have its full effect, one needs to have a spiritual experience. Something that makes them believe. I know mine happened the moment I looked at Daniel on Christmas Eve 2022 and, in a miraculous moment of clarity in the midst of a psychotic episode, declared in no uncertain terms that we HAD to stop drinking. I’ve had three very brief relapses since then (my current sober birthday is September 23, 2023), but that was my spiritual experience. It was my Higher Power speaking to me.
A lot of people have trouble with the concept of God in AA, because they can’t separate the word “God” from the image of the Christian God. But for me, God has always been more of an abstract concept. I believe this Higher Power is unknowable to mere humans. How can we possibly know what it looks like, what language it speaks, what its agenda and purpose for us is? How can we possibly know?
But because I’m only human, I needed an icon. A face and a voice to put to it, a symbol representing this unknowable entity. I chose for my icon Soteria, the Greek goddess of safety, salvation and deliverance. She’s perfect, because She is female, and safety is the most important concept in the world to me, what I strive for above all else, even happiness. So when I pray, when I speak to God, I’m speaking to Soteria.
I’ve finally been able to relinquish control and give my life over to a Higher Power. And it’s so, so freeing.
I’ll be praying for good things to come your way too!