We have been together for 17 years , we started dating when we were 14. We have three wonderful children together. I am sober 36 days now. And though I have tried this many times, this time feels different. He think we need to separate because he doesn’t feel like he can ever forgive me for the drinking , hiding it, lies. He feels like he wasn’t enough. I don’t know how to help him recover or realize that I am not always going to fail. Just really in need of some kind words or ideas.
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Its a tough spot you are in. Congrats on the 36 days! As an alcoholic I really damaged relationships. Everyone was skeptical, hindsight being what it is…I earned their skepticism. All I could do is is continue to be sober, and healing eventually happen.
Last night my friend said she was, “fiercely proud of my sobriety”. It made me bawl, she is the first person to say that after 876 days. People were happy, wished me well, ect…but no one ever worded it that way. Long story short…it takes time, stay sober and life does get better
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Before you separate, be sure to exhaust all options, and give it time. After years of alcohol abuse 36 days is huge, but realize that to someone who hasn’t struggled, “it’s just 36 days”.
I can tell you that my wife wasn’t 100% convinced until I had 6 months sober. I can also tell you that every sober day helped her to let go of her resentment a little bit more.
What did it? She saw the action. Words can be hollow things, but action tells the truth.
Go to meetings. Seek self-improvement. Show him that you are getting better at getting better. Acknowledge his pain and resentment. Apologize as often as it takes. Don’t get discouraged and keep marching forward. Do this and he will eventually make a choice: either forgive with the confidence that you will continue to be sober and choose to share your walk, or he will walk away. With your long history together, my money says he stays. You just have to keep grinding, pushing forward, getting better at getting better.
Better today than you were yesterday, and tomorrow better still.
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Like the others have said, I believe that consistency over time is what really makes a difference to others. I’ve apologized to my wife countless times, but she really just needs to see action. The action and continued effort to do better, is the true apology.
It’s my understanding that Al-Anon can help him with these feelings and his own recovery process. People living with an addict or an alcoholic are deeply affected and need some support too. I’ve been trying to suggest this to my wife, without being too pushy about it.
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I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years but he’d tell you we have only really been together 532 days-the amount of time I’ve been sober. I was a bad person when I drank and I put him through the ringer. Recently at dinner he told me how proud he was of me and really wasn’t sure I was going to make it up to him-but I proved him wrong. In a year and a half time I got my degree, started working out every single day, got my cirrhosis under control and completely turned my life around. It’s only actions that he can go off of. Set yourself goals-ones that you and him would love to see you achieve in your sober future and give it your all. I knew If I didn’t prove to him I was worth staying with he would have left me 532 days ago. Make it worth his while and yours. I promise, once he sees the changes he will stay. Best of luck xx
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Tell him what your plan is, if you don’t have one make one. He will in time most likely forgive you. If you put the work into yourself he’ll wanna keep you😉. Recovering alcoholics/addicts are some of the most amazing people on the planet. Congrats on 36, the worst of the physical addiction is over now and you never have to go through it again if you choose sobriety each morning.
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