My husband began his journey yesterday. I’m not truly dependent but I will also go dry because I have mental illness anyway. The point is, he ruined my entire family and we just found out. He had a three month long affair with my sister who we moved in with to help her save her home for her kids that we loved. He was like a father to them bc theirs cheated on her and left. Then come to find out they were very dirty with one another in the house that we all lived in. We obviously have to move and he needs extensive therapy on why he knows it’s wrong but has always been so destructive. Today he attended two meetings. He says he has to prove he will change for me. I have to stay by his side even though I am angry and disgusted. I don’t know what to do. Anybody been here at all?
I’m sorry that happened to you. Infidelity is an absolute mind melter and takes a very long time to heal from. Sobriety has helped me iron out lots of feelings in my relationship because I am allowing myself to fully process things.
I don’t think this is necessarily true. It might be hard to heal from this if you don’t allow yourself options. You don’t have to forgive on his timeline and you are allowed to be very angry for a long time. Pushing feelings away only delays them. Again, I’m sorry you have to go through this, sending hugs.
You truly don’t need to stay by his side unless you want to.
Addiction is a disease and though it’s not an excuse for the behaviour it does complicate things.
Let me state that none of what I’m saying requires an actual response. It’s more so to get the mind going.
What further complicates this is that it also involved your sister who had what I assume as an equal part of this. How are you coping with that? The choice of family or marriage is like an ultimatum that can bring on resentment and hatred.
Are you staying because you believe he has good inside him that he is capable of finding and achieving or are you doing it for other reasons?
How do you grow trust with a man that has torn every last inch of that away from the closeness you once felt?
Here’s my story. Maybe it’ll help.
I grew up not knowing my identity. I felt unloved, unwanted, unacceptable, etc. This lead to low self-esteem, self-compassion, and also began to cause me to self-harm.
I’d starve myself when overly emotional to the point I’d get so sick with the first little bit of food I ate, I’d burn myself, etc. This was compounded by my brother’s absolute hatred towards me. He’d attack me with knives, pellet guns, beat me up, strangle me etc. It compounded much of what I felt.
I clung onto anyone who showed me acceptance. This lead to very unhealthy behaviours and situations.
It continued through life… I added video game addiction, detachment from real life and latched onto the fantasy land, I drank until I’d black out and as quickly as I could, I got into substance use and actually began making my own at a young age, and this then began to include voyeurism, exhibitionism, sex and love addiction, you name it.
This came and went in my life time and I didn’t see it as an issue, even through marriage. It took 15 years of marriage with my wife giving me all kinds of chances to change and grow, and I didn’t.
I made excuses, I fed her lies full of deception, and gave everyone including myself only what they wanted to hear.
Then she found my last relapse. That changed my perspective and I gave over all of my evidence by choice willingly. I put my future and my life in her hands to make the choice that best suited her.
Doing this was new for me. I’d always deleted everything and lied saying it was all in her head… I look back now and see just how f-ing ridiculous that was. She knew better and I was an idiot.
It was also the toughest decision I’ve ever made. I love and loved her. She was everything to me… But honestly she was more to me than I should have made her out to be. I was codependent and honestly if I look back at it, an abuser. I twisted everything in my life, yet she stuck it out for most of it.
When I lost her I was severely engrossed in suicidal ideation and had to call my doctor who put me through the the psychiatric nurse on duty who talked me through everything. I then booked a session with a highly skilled and accredited counsellor, and began making every meeting I could because I wanted to be better, not because someone needed to see me there.
The sickness of my mind was relentless for so long and it was difficult for us to connect. She was infuriated and disgusted by me. I took alot of her hatred on but pushed through because deep down I know I truly love her. Love her and my children more than anything in this lifetime. In order to show that I had to begin loving me.
To end this long drawn out story, I have only cracked the surface, but because I’m putting the work and effort into myself, I am gaining the best part of fatherhood, marriage, and personal identity I have ever had in my entire lifetime up to this point.
I look back and feel that my wife was put into my world for a purpose. Not only because we’re perfect for one another but because I am so grateful she was my motivation to be the best version of myself. I made the decision to heal, but I can honestly say that I am not certain I would have ever done so without her in my life.
I had to become independent of myself and do things for me to truly earn what I have now. She didn’t have to stay with me, and most people wouldn’t have stayed. I am so very grateful to have her in my life and I am never ever looking back.
I hope this finds you sooner than later. Nothing I can say or do will fix how you feel and how you are going to feel and deal with this situation for the next year or two. I say that I’ve been in your shoes after I got out of rehab I got back together with the love of my life, and moved back home Someplace I never wanted to be again but I did it because I loved him and we were starting a family.
Sometime after the birth of my last child in 2018, the affair had started. It went on for several years until round 2020 when I finally found out.
It has been a very hard journey. I’m not spoken to my sister since I found out. And we used to be really close. I would love to talk to you more about this.
The most important factor I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I cannot stress this enough: my addictions made me stay with people that DID NOT deserve me. I showed to myself I can destroy them and it is ok. That is why other people thought it was ok too or did it unconsciously…
Because of my sobriety I realised who I want beside me and I may be 20 and alone but I also don’t want to drink/smoke/snort stuff just to hang around people that did not even want to be there for me during my sobriety journey.
If you can please remove yourself from that man. Literally if you can pack your stuff and go or make him leave, even better.
He should have proved he loves you by NOT cheating on you, which is the freaking baseline (i get angry with him, don’t mind me)
Please please please there is no reason for you to stay.
Take care
Im so sorry this happened to you. Please know you dont “have to” stay by his side. You choose too. I use to think this way when Inwas with my abusive wife. Co parenting is alive and well. Hang in there