My journal. Sex & sobriety and my messed up mind

Life in Recovery
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I did this once before. & just the fact that I was putting it all out there helped a lot. At first I wrote this just for myself. ( my sponsors idea ) if it doesn’t make sense. It’s because I’m kinda feeling lost right now. My addiction was my way to fonction. And i don’t have that anymore. And this is extremely personal. It’s all my dark deep secrets of how I feel. It’s actually pretty scary to put it all out there.

I’m sleeping with X . I care about X in a weird way. He reassures me. And cares about me. I can tell that it’s genuine. Feeling that someone cares about me. Even if it’s not in romantic way. Means a lot. I think it means even more. Because it’s not in a romantic way. I’m used to guys wanting me in a romantic way. Wanting me to offer something that I just can’t. I know I can trust X. And he’s one of the few people I’m completely open with. That I let myself be vulnerable. But I’m scared that I will end up falling for him. And that’s not something I’m ready for.

At first sex with X was just sex. I knew it was I felt it. But then this morning we talked. And I was honest and open. And I felt emotional and he was there for me. He comforted me. And then he made slow sex to me. It felt like making love. I think he does feel something for me. I don’t think he’s realized it yet. Or maybe it’s just me wanting him to. I don’t know. When someone cares about you that way. It feels good. I know that I’m not in the right place to offer that to him right now. But just because it’s not something I can do. Doesn’t mean I can’t get attached. If he just disappeared from my life. I’d be devastated. It’s not about sex or about love. It’s about being able to talk to him. If he had a gf. I wouldn’t care. As long as our friendship stayed the same.

I think sleeping with him is making me scared that I’ll lose him.

In a way. I’m being selfish. He satisfies my need for " love" and to be cared for. He satisfies a huge hole I have.

I think he’s scared to get attached to me and that Ill lose myself in the drugs. I think I’d hurt him if I did.

And at the same time. I think I crave to feel. Even be it sadness. If I were to fall for X and be heartbroken after. At least I’d feel. At least I’d know I can feel

I think I want to hurt myself. Drugs in the long run was hurting myself. Maybe I like to suffer. Maybe I feel like it’s what I deserve.

I honestly don’t know where my mind set is. I can only try and guess.

But if I don’t want anything more than sex. Than I think I am trying to hurt myself. Because it’s not something I used to want. On the contrary. It’s something I never wanted.

You don’t magically heal once you get sober. There’s still something wrong with you. There always has been.

I’m just replacing one thing that’s bad for me. With another. But this is harder. Because I can’t imagine loosing X right now. He’s a huge part of my life. If Something is wrong. I text him.

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In my experience, my sobriety is not about me and my partner (husband), my sobriety is about me! Sometimes some of us get off the drugs and alcohol and try to fill the void that early recovery gives us, with new relationships. Especially relationships we are not ready for. You may need to speak with a psychologist, unless your sponsor is a professional, in order to sort out your feelings and help you not get yourself in a situation that could trigger a relapse. Recovery is a selfish program, it’s about us doing and many times avoiding whatever it takes to stay sober and get healthy! Good for you for sharing your struggle. Stay focused on you and your sobriety, the rest with fall into place as it should.

4 Likes
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I disagree about your statement that your sobriety is about YOU…it’s about WE. The 12 steps say to escape from “self”, we only need to serve -God will handle the rest. In my opinion, sobriety is about the people we care about, and even people we don’t even realize care about us. Have a great 24 hours, I love you all like my family. -Scott w

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Sounds alot like co-dependency. Also sounds like fear of loss combined with uneasiness with feeling happy. Sex and intimacy does not validate my existence nor is it a substitute for the feeling of love. Look to God and be grateful for the love he sends you. :wink:

-Scott W

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I do see your point @Aaa1scotty .yeah to serve, welcoming the new members and all members, of course we/i shall care for the one and another that crosses our path in life. 12 steps a way to live . A long lifetime way of being .

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Anyway if i did not do whats recomended and not worked With my inner issues , in that part i needed to be selfish. In a way i need to be selfish to this day . My ashamed gone , and im welcoming of course sobrierty