My name is Sandra. I am a 39 year old that has known for about 5 years now that alcholol can no longer be apart of my life. I grew up in a religious family with morals and values. My parents are still married to this day. They were great loving parents.
Growing up I was a good kid. I didn’t do drugs or drink. My parents never talked much about drugs and alcholol, but I had real life experiences of seeing how they destroyed other family members.
At 10, I remember in clear detail going to see my cousin in the hospital. I remember the smell. You know that smell of when you go to the hospital? It is such a distinct smell. As I walked down the hall, I saw an old lady in her wheel chair. She looked so depressed. I saw sadness, but as I walked by her she seemed to try to smile. So I smiled back at her. I was with my mom and sister. We stopped by the nurses station to find out what room my cousin was in. As we walked into his room, my mom and sister seemed to have disappeared and a tunnel vision so to speak came over me. I was in complete shock of what I saw. There was all sorts of tubes going in and out of my cousin. As he lay there in his mobile bed that gentling swayed him from one side to the other. This was to help his breathing. I don’t remember if he was awake or asleep or any conversation. My cousin had been in a very serious drunk driving accident on his motorcycle. He was intoxicated and went through a red light. He was lucky/blessed to be alive. However it left him paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life.
When I was in middle school, another cousin separated from her husband and came to live with my grandpa who lived behind us. We lived out in the country. She ended up getting this boyfriend who was bad news. I am pretty sure he is the one that introduced her to drugs. After awhile (not exactly sure of the time frame) she said she was hearing voices in the vents of my grandpas house. I don’t remember if my grandpa ended up kicking her out or if she left on her own, but regardless she ended up steeling my dads guns which were monumential to him. A few of them were my grandpa’s that he handed down to my dad. We are pretty sure she pawned them off for drugs. Now that I mention that that incident may have been the reason she didn’t come back. I don’t think she could face my mom because she knew she disappointed her. My mom was very involved with my cousins ever since they were little. Over the next several years my mom would get calls from her in the middle of the night to tell her about the voices in her head and she has accepted Jesus Christ as her lord and savior and is going to get clean. We were so hopeful that she would, but never did. After I graduated highschool, the calls stopped. Lets call her Leslie because later I need to bring her up again.
Another family member had a problem with alcholol. I was told that when she was under the influence, she abused her children. That’s all I know about that one.
These events made me not want to do drugs or drink. My interpretation at a very early age was they are evil and will turn you into an evil person. By the time I was 18, my first son was born. I for sure wanted to be the best mom I could and drugs and alcholol for sure were not going to be apart of it.
Anybody remember AOL chat? Remember that’s when there was dial-up internet which was considered fast? Lol That annoying noise it would make when connecting. When I was 23, I would go in the chat rooms and chat with various different people. Men and women. I didn’t have any friends or a man. So the internet seemed to be a great spot to meet people. I ended up meeting this girl named Christina. She was a nice person and we seemed to have lots in common. It was a start of a best friends type of relationship. She is the one that introduced me to alcholol. I remember being so scared to try it. I was afraid of becoming that abusive mother, hearing voices in my head or paralyzed or worse dying. I don’t know what pushed me over the edge, but I did it. It was an Old English 40. I chugged the whole thing. To this day I am unsure how I did that. Ha ha. Those are so disgusting! Regardless I remember feeling good and happy and most of all IN CONTROL. I thought this isn’t so bad. Right then I was convinced that some people just can’t handle alcholol and it just isn’t for everybody. Boy was I wrong! Drinking at home became frequent. A buzz started to become a black out and the intention of getting drunk to feel happy and let loose which led to more black outs. Going to the bar became a every weekend occurance. At 25, I got my first DUI. I finished the program, but was still convinced I have control of this and nobody is going to stop me from having fun. I remember our meetings were on Wednesdays which worked great for me because there was this bar my sister and friends liked to go to. So every Wednesday they would pick me up from group and we would go to Docs Pad and party it up. They had $1 well drinks. Who can beat that!? Ty, the bartender would hook ya up too! Only needed about 2-3 of those stiff drinks and then I was ready to dance. They played 80’s music and the place was packed and on fire!
When I was 27, I left my 9 year old child at home alone so I could go out. I ended up spending the night at a friends house. When I woke up it was about 10 am the next day and I discovered a voicemail on my phone from the police department. I was told my son was out looking for me in the morning. I ended up having to go back to treatment. This time though all the group members were drug abusers. I remember one in particular. He was a heroin user. Lets just say he made it very clear he didn’t want to be there. Lol I remember the stories of these group members and genuinely felt empathy. I also remember thinking wow you guys are really screwed up! Glad that’s not me! Yeah right! Lol I was still in denial. A few months after that incident, I got pregnant with my second son. I finished the treatment program, graduated college and later in December 2005 gave birth.
Since I didn’t drink while I was pregnant or after, I was feeling good. Was 16 months sober. I was ready to have a social life again. That met going out and getting drunk. Still in denial. Around this same time I started noticing my friends getting married and having children or just moving on from the bar scene. I remember some of them saying you still go out? It made me feel like a loser so my way of dealing with the hurt was coming back and saying why not? There’s no ring on my finger. I don’t have anybody I am tied down with.
In Jan 2007, I got a job as a legal assistant which is what I went to school for. I was on my way to living the American dream.
At 31 in 2008, I met a guy and we started to date. Oh my gosh he had lots of issues. I really wanted to help him, but he would get drunk and it was difficult to talk to him. A couple months after dating, I found out I was pregnant. I remember after finding out I was pregnant wanting to go out one more time and I did. The next day I started to have thoughts that perhaps I do have a problem with alcholol. This pregnancy was so difficult staying sober. The first month was so incredibly difficult, but I managed. In September of 2009, I gave birth to my daughter. A month after giving birth, I was back getting drunk. There was so much stress. My job was immensely stressful and having a 4 year old and newborn was stressful. I took the 6 months unpaid maternity leave. Me and my bf/babys daddy were getting drunk at home all the time. Like I said he had some real deep undealt with issues. I am a great listener, but when I would speak it would put him in more of a rage and anger. One night he knocked over my fan and broke it. The next day I kicked him out. He begged and said he was sorry, but it was too late. I had enough. It wasn’t all him though. It was an unhealthy relationship.
By 2011, I was making ok money and bought my first home. Not in a million years would I have thought this was something I could do. A couple months after moving in, I wake up with a hangover and someone knocking on the door. It was the police. While I was sleeping, my children were outside unsupervised for 2 hours! I guess in hindsight at least I didn’t make the 5 o’clock news. Ha ha. I remember the officer telling me to grow up. I remember thinking it has nothing to do with growing up, it has to do with me not being able to stop. Surprisingly the judge didnt send me to treatment. I had to pay a fine and stay out of trouble for the next year.
In 2012, I was in a drunken state and couldn’t remember my pin number for my debit card and had no cash on me so couldn’t pay the cab driver. I was arrested for theft of services. Again no treatment, but a fine, stay out of trouble for a year and road crew. Can I just say road crew sucks! I got 2 days and that was painful, but some got months!
In July 2013, I was laid off from my job. This was devastating to me. This was my dream career. If you have ever been unemployed, you know the roller coaster of emotions that come along with it. This is when I truly believe my addiction started spiraling out of control, but I was still in denial.
There was another time that I can’t remember when I was in a black out and refused to pay the cab driver. I think I was upset because I shared the cab with other people and I was left holding the bag. After some investigation, found out I did pay but refused to sign the receipt. That ended up getting dismissed.
Starting in 2014 I started listening to Christian music. I found it positive and uplifting. I also found out my uncle had stage 4 cancer. The day I went to visit him in the hospital was the worst day of my life. Watching somebody die is something I would not wish on my worse enemy. He was a heavy chain smoker and by the time he quit, it was too late. A few weeks later, he passed away. Remember Leslie? She was at his funeral. She looked amazing. She was overweight which was shocking because last time I saw her many many years ago she was super skinny. She looked healthy though and really great. I thought wow perhaps she got clean. No she didn’t. A few months went by and she was in the hospital as a result of a drug deal gone bad and a kid hit her over the head with a cylinder block. She almost died.
Meanwhile, I was still unemployed and my unemployment compensation had exhausted. I had lots of interviews which I was very grateful for, but no job offers. In May 2014 I was on my way to a interview and I prayed for the first time in a long time. I said God, please help me in this interview. I am letting go and know if this job is your will, you will make it happen. It was something like that. A few days later, I was offered the job. I was so delighted and ecstatic. My confidence went right up. This job was only part time, no benefits, no holiday pay and a significantly pay cut, but I didn’t care, it was a stepping stone.
During this time, I am really realizing I have a problem with alcholol and are in a very dark place. I continue to listen to Christian music and pray, but I am unable to stop drinking. I have made significant changes. While unemployed, I was drinking every day or every other day. Once I started working, I quit drinking during the week and left it for the weekends.
In March of 2015, I applied for a different job that was full time, benefits, holiday pay and a little bit of a pay increase and got the job. It’s amazing how easy it is to get a job when you already have one. Shortly after getting this job, I went out to celebrate. This is when I begin to feel old going to the club. I looked around the club and thought damn! these cats are almost as old as my first born son! Lol The night did not end well as I blacked out. I was told I passed out at the bus station. Now I was charged with trespassing. Again I had a fine and had to stay good for a year. One thing I won’t forget is my public defender saying to me is the prosecution wanted to recommend treatment. I remember him asking me if I needed treatment, but I said no. Inside I was yelling yes.
After that incident I stayed sober for 3 weeks. I know I have a problem, but went right back to drinking. Even though I relapsed, this was a turning point in my recovery. I started avoiding the clubs and instead would go to sports bars. I am starting to drift away from my drinking buddies. My attitude is either hang out where I want to go or don’t.
In May of 2016, I applied for a different job within the same company and got it. This was huge for me. This job requires certain skills and problem solving. My self worth was coming back.
At this time I start to look forward to fishing trips or camping because then I won’t go out drinking. If I didn’t go, I was always asked why? And when I would say because I am tired or no money I was manipulated into going. They are alchololics that’s what we do best, right? That and they knew me all to well and knew I would give in.
About 1 1/2 months ago I decided to pick either a Friday or Saturday to go out, but not both.
After a month, I said to myself if not now, when? That’s when I have made my decision to stop now. I blocked my drinking buddies from messaging me in Facebook and blocked them from text messaging me. What is interesting is I have not blocked them from calling me or stopping by my house. Not one has done either. This is how you find out who your true friends are. 14 days sober today.
Here is my story. I leave it here for others to read and as a symbolic way for me to leave it on this blog so I can move on and start living again and create better memories .
Stay strong and most importantly stay sober.
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