I have just over 18 months clean from meth and fentanyl. I have a stable job. I’ve been slowly repairing damage and fixing my finances. I’ve gotten out of the debt and even begun saving. I have a good relationship with a girl even though it’s new. But I’m conflicted because a lot of times I find myself willing and wanting to trade it all for drugs. None of it is good enough and I’m not happy.
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Hi Andrew.
Few questions. Did drugs make you happy? And if so, why did you decided to get clean and stay clean for 18 months? What happiness means to you and what do you imagine under the term?
Congratulations on 18 months clean, that is a massive thing! It takes time to settle into being clean and sober. What you describe is addiction. IMO. It’s that addict voice that’s always pecking away. It’s telling you you’re not happy because it wants you back. I have been sober for just over 4 years and I’m only now starting to see how far I’ve come and starting to be happy with how I’ve shaped my sober life. The longer that you ignore the voice the quieter it becomes. Make your life something to be happy with…. I think you have done amazingly well to come back around from the drugs and financially recover and that you should be very proud of!!!. It takes a long time for our bodies and minds to settle down once we decide to get sober/clean. Please stick with it, I promise it’s just addiction making you feel you’re not happy. Make your life something that makes you happy. This is just how I felt but it does get better i promise 
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Honestly yeah drugs made me happy. It was always people that got in the way. People made things unbearable. I got clean cause I was tired of fighting an uphill battle.
First of all congrats on your sober time.
Recently I’m looking more into what it means to be long term sober. Never really came past the first year. Currently I’m three years sobers. The steps help me a lot. Which I started after being 18 months sober, since I experienced the seem kind of thing you seem to do. There are not a lot of things mentioned about after that first year. While it can be even harder then the first year. You can google and might find things about that second year, like fir example:
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Well, I must admit that I have nothing to say to this 
It makes me feel a bit sad for you. I wish you’d love life for what it is without drugs. Drugs are a way to escape something. Unpleasant feelings, unbearable reality… Drugs are a coping mechanism until they stop working (and they do stop working).
I’m a bit surprised you felt happier being in debt than now when your life is more ‘in line’.
Isn’t it that you don’t feel unhappy but rather bored and uncomfortable because you don’t know how to deal with sobriety? Even that might be possible.
I wish you all the best and to find true happiness in your life. I wish for you to discover a beauty of being sober and present. From depth of my heart I do truly wish you peace and harmony in your soul.
Sending you love.
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Welcome and congrats on 18 months!
The definition of “happy” is different for all of us. I struggled to find joy the first 2 years of my sobriety. I had no clue how to “feel” after drowning my emotions in drugs and alcohol for far too long. It took a lot of work on my recovery to figure it out, but I can finally say after 4 years, I have found happiness in life. It’s not everyday I feel happy and that’s ok too. Addiction is a selfish disease and I find joy when I get out of self. It’s things like volunteering, doing kind acts for others, smiling to a stranger I walk by and spending quality time with family/friends that bring me joy. I notice I’m happier when I practice gratitude daily. Just putting down the drugs is not going to bring happiness. I challenge you to define happiness for yourself and work from there.
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I’m happy for you. 18 months is great!
I’m coming up on 2 years in a few months and I think a lot about happiness. I don’t think its a place that we reach but moments that we get to notice. I notice a lot more sober. If you look for the good, you will start to see it. Same with the bad.
That said, some days are just shitty days. Nothing works right, people are annoying and it all seems to suck. Those are just days. Drinking never helps make me happier anymore. It used to be fun but I used up all that fun. Now its just an escape. Maybe now is a good time for you to reflect on why you started quitting.
Keep it it, you said it yourself that your life is better. This time of the year is just tough sometimes.
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I also think in the first year or two we’re grieving our D.O.C. We romanticise over it. When in truth we prayed to escape its hold once. It’s such a long journey with so many twists and turns. But it does get better! I saw this earlier and thought of you @Andrew6…….
I hope you’re feeling ok today?
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Hi Andrew,
I am new to this platform but I have been Sober since December 25, 2006. One thing I have learned in my experience is that Sobriety happens one day @ a time. The joy I receive daily in my Sobriety cannot be matched by any amount of drugs/alcohol that I could get my hands on and consume. I must create my own happiness just as I thought while I was creating those fake moods/feelings while drinking and drugging. Sobriety is an inside-out job so no matter how much I regained, if I remained empty on the inside my gains were only temporal. The joy of living a Sober life is whole and meant to last for the rest of your life.
I leave you with this suggestion: STICK WITH IT, DON’T QUIT IT, ONE DAY YOU’LL GET IT.(and don’t drink or drugs throughout the process). Believe me, the process works and it can work for you. Peace
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