I feel you are in control and you will be just fine.
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well i was wrong. it was my last picture with him. he started limping super bad after that walk. so i made an apt to take him to vet on friday. that morning his back hips were giving out really bad also. he was trying so hard to stand, but his back legs couldn’t hold him up, so he was just upright on his front legs trying to eat the treats out of the barkbox he just got. it was a painful sight. i’m really sad i made the apt to try to help his front legs, but then his back legs starting bothering him super bad also.
when we took him in, the vet said the growth on his elbow was too entwined to try and remove and of course he’s old- so it was super risky to try. she could try chemo meds, but it would make him feel sick and his failing hips more brittle. she also found another growth starting on his other front leg. she suggested pain pills for a few days to see if it helped and put him down later, but we would just be doing pain mgmt for the rest of his time; whether he struggled through a few days or maybe another month or so. we’d have to carry him outside or he wouldn’t make it outside in time and have an accident (he always looked so ashamed if he didn’t make it). my husband didn’t think we’d like to live like that, and we decided he shouldn’t have to either. it’s the most horrible decision ever. I think he maybe could have been with me for a while longer- he was still healthy otherwise, his legs were just failing him- so i’m struggling with this choice- and i can’t change it.
i had the day off and tried to keep it easy for him so his leg would heal. tried to get him outside a couple times, but he wasn’t really feeling it and would try to come right back in. he tried to pick up the toy for fetch, but dropped it and laid down. we watched tv and i brushed him. if i’d known he wasn’t coming home i think i would have done more on his last day. but doing that weird parade thing with another (death) date in the future seems like a horrible option also.
my neighbors were upset we didn’t tell them we were taking him. i honestly thought he’d be coming home after we figured out how to make his front leg feel better- so he could make it across the house or more then a few steps at a time. i feel bad they didn’t get a goodbye. i think their daughter is pretty mad at me- she helped watch him when we traveled.
this is about the hardest thing i’ve had to deal with in a really long time. i got my cat in 2001 and my dog in 2006. my dog helped me get through having to help my cat go to sleep in 2019. now he’s gone too. there’s huge part of me missing now. my husband and i are both really upset - he got really attached to them also. helping max rest and go to sleep, then leaving him there, and now this “empty” absolutely everywhere is absolutely horrible.
he was so stubborn, i’m sure he would keep trying to get up and follow us around. it was really hard to see him struggle when i know he used to run the trails with me while i ran or rode my bike, or he’d jump through 6’ surf to go after a stick on the west coast, or play fetch like an addict.
i’m hoping he and my cat both understand i just didn’t want them to struggle anymore (her kidneys shut down and she stopped eating). i wish they could be here. i miss them both so very much- there’s huge whole in my heart and my life. i see them everywhere and the house is too quiet.
they were the most faithful, loyal, and happy beings in my life.
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- Had a weird dream last night. I think the gyst of it was to stop being a bystander and get motivated again. (Although it was very nervewrecking way of doing it- watched traumatic accident and no one was taking action, so i set up barriers and started telling people what to do for recovery efforts)
Just everything still feels grey right now.
I’m trying. I went through some photos and did the facebook announcement to my friends who knew him over the years.
And realized (again) my photos need organizing. There’s about 6 duplicates of everything in my files because of copying out of different cameras and computers over the years. The hard part is all the ones with the same names and then the same names but different photos. Well probably take a month to sort. I keep putting it off.
I’m crying less, but still no motivation. Hard to go for a walk and do some things because I still just see him everywhere. Tried some things to distract myself, but I can’t concentrate very well yet. I’ll get there. One day at a time.
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I have a photo, video organizing nightmare! 100 Terrabytes worth.
I feel your pain.
It was nice catching up on your thread!
Your killin it!
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18 months. It’s been a really difficult month. Had to put my best furry friend to sleep, found out my sister in law has stage 4 cancer that have been found in her lungs now (scared for my 4 young neieces and nephews), my step son graduates high school and is coming to live with us so we can finish things his mother never did and were really hard for us to help with from the other side of the country (like getting his drivers license, get a car, get a job, learn how to save money, figure out college, learn to be responsible/respectful and stop getting in trouble, etc), it’s my birthday.
Been mostly down times, some good things, I’m just tired and feel beat up emotionally. But one things for sure- if I was drinking the bad would feel a lot worse and for a lot longer. So I’m getting through, working through the heartache and pain, trying to get back to the bright side. It takes work- I wish I could escape it all, but that only postpones the inevitable.
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Awesome! 18 months!
Through good times and hard times. We don’t have to drink.
Sorry about you furry friend. I had the best dog ever. She passed away from old age. I wish their life span was as long as ours. It’s been a long time since she passed. I still miss her.
Cancer sucks! We are powerless over that. You get to be fully present for her now.
Kids… I’m feeling some fears about mine. One thing I know for sure is I’m better for them sober than I was drunk.
Thanks for sharing your milestone!
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Thank you Jason! Yes definitely a weird journey… lots of highs and lows! Been a rough month.
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I hope this months smoother sailing!
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Thanks this helped
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- Crazy month. just some weird ramblings.
flew to throw a graduation party for my step-son, flew to my cousin’s wedding. my step-son moved in with his dog. we’re trying to get his life sorted- finish his license, get him to the dentist- cavities filled, wisdom teeth pulled, updated glasses, allergy tests (you know - all the the things you would think his mother would have done for him). train his dog- who has severe separation anxiety. ughhh
i miss my dog a ton. i still get upset about him. I had a dream last night that woke me up crying about my cat that’s been gone a few years. i know it will get better, but i just miss them so much. you would think having my step-sons dog here would help, but it almost makes it worse.
i found a recipe for that chamoy rim paste that people use on the hard-seltzers- it was easy to make and is really good on regular fizzy drinks also.
I’m trying to stay positive, but just feeling a lot.
watched top-gun last night. it was actually really good.
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Thanks for this thread Beachy. And thanks for your sobriety. And thanks for sharing a real life. Your life. So much truth in here. I’m glad to see you keep going. I totally feel you on the feeling a lot. It’s a lot. Too much sometimes. No joke. Still it beats not feeling anything at all except a big black hole inside of me that kept growing when I kept drinking. So let’s keep going ODAAT, and work our recoveries. Hugs.
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Thank you Mno-
it has felt like a LOT lately. But I used to numb all that, crash and hurt more… lost so many days- put off so many things.
so this is better- real is better. It is better to keep going. And having the bandwidth to help my step son and his dog figure things out- get outside of that selfish “me bubble” that booze creates.
We know life is not all rainbows and unicorns- contrary to advertising and social media. So I’m glad I’m here, even in the rough spots.
So yes! Let’s keep going 
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594… I want to do more. I feel like I got stuck in groundhog day and plane tickets are stupid expensive. And Americans don’t get enough time off in the real world. This 2 weeks of vacation stuff blows. Especially coming from earning 2.5 days off a month from the military. And the open brow status I had (essentially if nothing was pending and my crew was good, I could go) made things better. Granted there were many times I just got worked into the ground. Hence why I put my retirement in, but gosh I miss the (mainly mental) possibility of at least putting in time off.
Trying to map out trips for the year, and my husband and I feel like there’s no time to take. I negotiated 20 days and he gets 18, but those both include your sick time- WTF?! Ugh.
Maybe we just need to sell everything and screw working.
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If that’s the view from your home, you already live in vacationland. I don’t mean to be glib and discount your feelings. Agreed it is frustrating not having enough vacation time. Especially trying to coordinate for you and your husband. Back to my original sentiment…that is a great marsh!
Thanks! Took that on a walk at a park nearby… the light was great! You could actually see the birds in the pic
"Well I take the chance and
Sometimes I make mistakes
But you’ll get nothing
Unless you take the brakes
Livin’ dangerously as dynamite
Showing what makes you know
What makes you feel alright…
Ain’t nobody gonna make me do things their way
- Born to Run, Jaxson Gamble (JAXSON GAMBLE - Born To Run (Emmylou Harris Cover) - YouTube)
I went to meet a friend on Tuesday that I haven’t seen for years. She had a work thing a couple hours away and we decided to meet for dinner in the middle. We used to be stationed in New York together back in 2000-2004, and we try to see each other while moving across country or random road trips hear and there. While we were in New York we were definitely in Party Mode, so me not drinking might have been a discussion topic. Instead, I ended up getting there a little early and ordered a virgin Pina-Colada, and you know- when she arrived she asked what it was and said awesome, she was doing Dry July with a friend and ordered one also. And that was the end of it. Great evening catching up for a few hours and no dreaded, why aren’t you drinking conversation. It was great!
Also recently I caught up on Peaky Blinders, season 6 just came out, and it turns out the main character is Sober! Which, if you’ve seen Peaky Blinders, you know that is very out of sorts with beginnings of the story. They had a long history of bootlegging through prohibition etc. Tommy, has a “grief-stricken and war-torn psyche” after the First World War, and he gave up “alcohol as he noticed that he primarily used it to numb himself” (Courtney Mason, https://screenrant.com/pesky-blinders-season-6-reviews-hatred-tommy-problem/). The season is about him dealing with all the implications of life that led him up to this stage and how he deals with them as his character evolves and he tried to find a way out of his old lifestyle. (full disclosure, he does drink again- not as bad as before, but I find it interesting that they even put part of that into the story line).
I know in my past I primarily used alcohol to numb, escape and I thought it made things more fun. I started those bad habits early, and they took a heavy toll on my life, my health, some relationships, terrible situations and experiences. I’m sure there were some good times that I did have, but I don’t remember them… So this morning after dragging myself through a 5 mile “run” (and walk), and some of these songs come on- i find myself thinking, some damage i did i can’t fix, but some i can and it takes work, it takes grit and stubbornness to make changes, to stick with a running plan, to try and meet a goal, to be “different” and not drink. But I think the world is changing and healthier options, practices and beliefs are becoming more popular, but you don’t need that to improve yourself.
So be different, but know that different is actually normal. We are all different, so don’t let anyone make you do things their way. You do what is good for you.
And what is good for me, is not drinking anymore. There’s no way I would have went out this morning to do my workout plan and get ready to throw a going away party for friends today if I was still drinking like I was. I would have a hard time juggling the crazy commitments in my life between new responsibilities at my job, trying to get my step-son going in life, getting him back and forth to a job, finishing his license, training his dog, throwing going away and birthday parties, having family visit, dog sit for sister-in-law and clean puppy hot-spot infections etc. I would be escaping and trying to be numb, and probably saying something snarky and ending up in a fight with my husband over something silly, or being too tired and cranky at work- instead of just being present and enjoying my time while juggling all the things. Because time is the one gift that you can never give again- make the best of it.
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- Been dragging on the morning… sun rising later doesn’t help with motivation. Just working through the days. Teleworking is nice for no commute, but I miss the social aspects of my old jobs.
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Love your commitment, not just to your sobriety and recovery, but to sharing your story. I missed it as it came and am sorry about your beloved dog. 
Congratulations on your 631!!!
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Thanks Sassy! I think checking in now and then helps to keep me grounded on it.
appreciate the kinds thoughts on my dog. i still miss him tons.
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