My life & questioning sobriety

Your Story
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I’ve watched awhile, posted here and there. But overall new. I’m not sure if i need to be sober, but everytime i am for awhile, think i have it under control and have a couple - it eventually always snowballs (sometimes fast, sometimes slow over a few months) to binge drinking trying to hide it from my husband. I get really bad migraines in general, but alcohol is amost guaranted migraine that can lay up to several days - my migraines dr thinks I’m allergic to alcohol. Depending on the drink & how much i get hives sometimes. Not sure why i keep doing it.

Well maybe i know why. I’ve been using alcohol since i was 15, started as just kids hanging out. Turned into escaping from the trauma of my dad dying senior year on xmas eve, then turned into “work hard - play hard” work culture, moving a lot, being lonely, having the wrong fiance, numbing more trauma. I used to think i was a party girl extrovert, but maybe i just used it to be more “fun & outgoing”. I blacked out a lot, seemed normal thing in the weekends with my crowd - morning brunch reviewing photos trying to piece the night together laughing it away with bloody Mary’s.

I’ve moved alot a always seen to end up around people who drink… Maybe it’s my work culture, maybe the boating culture i don’t know. All i know is i don’t think i can moderate like other people. My body takes over after a point and i can’t stop & go too far.

We’re finally in a place that’s supposed to be our forever home, best community I’ve ever been in - so friendly & helpful & good people i like overall. But my immediate neighbor drinks her wine every night & we see each other out back on porch all the time. It’s so hard to keep from drinking here!

I broke down at work over the summer. Too much managing covid, non stop hurricanes, new micro managing boss & juggling search & rescue duty that triggers bad memories. I cracked, finally doing counseling trying to work on my trauma I’ve buried forever.

I guess i have to stop running - my contract is up next fall, after 21 years, i have to find new work, i don’t want to move anymore. Have to figure out who i am now. In my head I’m this healthy happy energetic fit person, but the reality is I’m a super depressed, now lazy & out of shape person who loves poisoning herself to be numb. I’m living in my dream house with a wonderful husband, but feel like being numb all the time. I don’t know how to get it together.

I’m on day #5 for the umpteenth time. I got in a big fight with my husband the other day because i lied to him about how much a drank, and i hate myself for being like that - arguing trying to explain to him its OK that i drink to have fun & he should be less judgemental.

I know it takes at least 10 days for alcohol to fully clear your system. I’ve read a lot about how bad it is for you, my dad was an alcoholic & essentially died from fatty liver. I’ve made it 30-40 days before, and felt great, thought i was able to control it & always eventually go back down that Slope again. Maybe i need to try to be clean forever so i don’t go downhill and can be who i vision.

I just don’t know how to do that with these friends around here. They drink at the pool, when we’re fishing, on the sand bar, and at dinner parties. I made it through Thanksgiving (which was very hard) with everyone drinking everything around me. I try to hide what i have in my tumbler & turn down their fancy concoctions they are proud of and taste so good.

I might be posting in the wrong group since I’m not sure i need to be sober forever, but i think i do. I’m just so confused & I just struggle with the how. My counselor wants me to do the 99 coping skills when my trauma pops in my head instead of trying to numb myself. I can’t go to treatment, if i did - work would have repercussions - so i have to do this on my own, and not much in real life community support for this.
Thank you for being a place i can share.

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Yes, absolutely.

Always have a soda in your hand if you’re afraid you will get cravings. The chance is much smaller that you get offered a drink. And drinking the soda will help you get your mind off cravings.

You are not doing this alone. We’re here for you

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Oh girl I can so relate… im not a drinker but I was a drug user and my using turned me into someone I didn’t like. I used to be healthy and fit and energetic, and now I’m lazy, fatigued, and unhealthy. Im working towards day 1 right now, and I too would question whether or not I wanted to be clean and sober. Truly… deep down inside we KNOW the real answer. I DO want to be clean. I do want a life that is worth living. I want a healthy relationship, I want to stop lieing and hiding, I want financial stability, I want material things in my life. Drinking and using is not a life to live, but yet i’d question whether or not I was ready to get clean and sober. When I question myself like this, I remind myself that that is the addict/alcoholic brain lieing to me… trying to convince me that I can’t do this… that I can’t get clean and sober. I too suffer from trauma and ptsd. I too also have to do this somewhat alone… as I have responsibilities that would be effected if I “came clean” about what I really have been doing. The thing is girl, once we have “crossed that line” into alcoholic/using thinking, we will never be able to drink and use like “normal” people. The idea that we can do this has to get smashed bcuz it will continually set us up for failure. That’s what im trying to do now… to truly believe that yes I am an addict (have been for 20 years) and that I can not use and drink like normal people. It is much easier to stay sober continuously. As soon as we put 1 drink or drug in our system, that little addict/alcoholic voice resurfaces and we are gone… things begin to start spiraling out of control again. Jeeze im talking too much lol I just can relate to your post and it was making me think of things that I actually needed to remember myself. Keep at it girl. Keep posting on here. Its a fantastic community :heart:

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At the end of the day whatever you decide you need to not worry about what people are doing around you.

To my mind the fact that you are here and telling us all that you have tells me you want to do something but are scared because it’s so prevalent in our society.

I will basically say to you that stopping drinking is a choice that we make and no one has any right to question us.
At first it may be odd and uncomfortable because if fear and shame that we feel. “Why can’t we be normal?”
Accepting that we can’t be and moving past the shame and fear is the first major step that I did.
This gave me the confidence to say " no! I don’t drink thanks"
That’s all it takes, but it’s bloody hard to get there.

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I’ve said on here before, and I’ll say it again, I think that us functioning alcoholics are the worst! It’s so hard to come to terms with alcoholism when were not passed out, laying in an alley with a bagged bottle clutched to our chest. How can we not be successful in moderation when we’re successful in all other aspects of life?! Unfortunately, darling this is the hand we’re dealt and we need to deal with it. To moderate is not the goal in being successful, it’s being sober and living out life without alcohol. Redefining that aspect is a real struggle. You’re doing great in starting out with your five days. But, you need to make a plan. We don’t drink normal, we can’t quit normal. Have you purchased any literature? There are so many great books out there. I have only read the Big Book, so far, but it has helped me so much. Acceptance, accountability, and support is necessary. We’re going to Zoom today, you are also welcome to join us. I am sending you strength and hugs :heart::heart::heart:

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I relate so much!! I too have done several 30-45, even a 90ish-day, stints of sobriety (not counting pregnancy) and always, always, always thought I could control my drinking after them but to no avail. Just like you, I could moderate for a bit, but it wouldn’t last. I’m 12 days in now and like 98% sure I want/need it to be a forever stint this time. There are so many things I am sick of when it comes to drinking like 1) knowing but rationalizing that I would be unable to drive if there was an emergency or someone needed me 2) trying to hide, disguise, downplay my drinking 3) having irrational drunken arguments with others 4) hurrying to check my phone and see what kind of nonsense I posted and trying to edit or delete it before too many people saw 5) sleep and health issues 6) feeling like a shitty mom, etc., etc., etc.

But…that 2% still nags at me and says maybe it doesn’t really have to be forever, maybe I can allow myself exceptions or cheat days, maybe I really, truly can moderate this go around. I mean, it didn’t work the last dozen or so times but still. :confused: I don’t have a big circle of friends but, like you, the ones I have drink…a lot. And they mainly know me as drinking so I feel like it’s uncomfortable for them if I don’t, like they feel they’re hanging out with a stranger. Even my partner, who has been fully supportive, I fear finds me sort of boring, too uptight, inhibited if I’m sober all the time. That’s probably just my paranoia.

Well, I’m rambling, but really I just want to say you’re not alone. Personally, I am really hopeful that my 98% stays strong. And remembering all those things that I’m sick of when it comes to drinking is really helping me out at this point. Hang in there!!

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Butterfly- Sounds like we have very similar issues working against us! Thank you for relating. I know the answer, just not sure I’m at terms with it yet. So i think I’m shooting for at least a month this time again to see if i start to see the old me again. Hopefully I’m happy with who i am & can keep going instead of thinking I’m fine /normal again

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Thank you geo- reading that resonated.

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Rav- Thank you- i read a lot of articles, read this naked mind & 30 days to sobriety.some others. I appreciate the invite to zoom, that sounds interesting, but not sure how to fineggle that with my family around. I will try one day. I ordered another journal to try and hold myself to a plan. I’m open to other suggestions. :two_hearts:

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Never just 1- yes sounds like what i do after a Binger. I’m hoping my 98% can stay strong with you. I think i can never just have one too, as your name suggests - it almost always turns into a shit show eventually. :unamused: Guess in scared to be that debbie downer with my friends

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It’s funny that those of us who aren’t drinking feel we need to hide our non-alcoholic drinks and not the other way around.

The social pressure that accompanies alcohol is no joke. Drinking alcohol has taken on all sorts of communal significance: Alcohol as a bond of solidarity: Alcohol as a socially acceptable acknowledgment that life is hard. Alcohol as a common denominator.

When we decline a drink in public, it’s as if we are declining to participate in the social order/ game. By not drinking it can feel like we are rejecting our friends and colleagues.

The reality is often that many of those people who egg us on to keep drinking are dealing with consequences of their own from drinking. I remember after I had stopped drinking, I went to a friend’s beach house and I watched her ten year old son pick up her empty bottles, waving them in her face. Her husband and son repeatedly mocked her about her drinking. Another friend who even now, after I’ve been sober six years, still encourages me to drink, came to my house with a black eye. He had gotten blackout drunk the night before and watched as a man at the bar pulled my friend’s wallet out of his shirt pocket and beat him up. My friend was too drunk to stop it. He won’t stop drinking though.

The people we are trying to fit in with by drinking are often in unenviable messes of their own because of alcohol. It’s like we all feel this pressure from each other to continue something that nobody is really enjoying that much anymore.

For me I realized at a certain point that I just cannot care what other people want or expect me to do. It’s not worth it. If they think I am an asshole for abstaining, then so be it. The peace of mind I now have going to bed sober and waking up sober is so much better than the guilt and remorse I felt when I drank.

The health benefits of sobriety make me feel good and strong. I like the idea that I am putting water into my body and not poison. I don’t get sick like I used to. My body is in better condition. I’m happier now that I’m not dumping a depressant down my throat.

I can tell you that my life is better and easier and less stressful now that I’m sober. I can tell you that I haven’t lost social standing and that my good friends not only respect my sobriety but some have changed their own drinking habits as a result of seeing me sober.

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I can relate. One of the hardest parts of becoming sober was not only saying goodbye to the bottle, but leaving that the lifestyle behind, (it really is a lifestyle). And a part of that lifestyle was the “friends”. But you know what, they weren’t my friends. over 2 years sober and not a single one of my old “friends” called, or text, or sent a FB message asking how I was, not a single one; and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve made new friends who really care about me, not just caring about a good time.

I know it feels like you will lose a lot, and that might be true in a away, but what you gain is 100 times better. Dont just take my word, at least 5 people will agree! :slight_smile:

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Five months in I’m seeing exactly what you’re talking about! It’s kind of shocking to me because I had never noticed before. Those same people that I drank with also have their alcohol issues that they’re dealing with. I’m so happy I’ve started my sober journey :heart:

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Wow. I feel as if I wrote this. I also felt like I could mostly do moderate drinking and other times it took over. Blacked out many times too, maybe twice or 3 times a year despite drinking hundreds of days a year. Some of us are just not cut out to be drinkers. I am one of those people too…and I’m realizing that is totally okay.

I think you/we/all of us are in the right place here.

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Yes! 1 month is would amazing to achieve! I often wonder myself what/who id be like without drugs getting in the way. Let’s do this girl! Let’s strive for 1 month :heart:

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I understand completely. I spent years doing those same mental gymnastics and trying to figure out how I could drink normally like everyone else. It was so tiring! I could go awhile without drinking a few weeks or so, but then I would want some wine with dinner or we’d be hosting or attending another party and I’d get wasted. Normal, right? It was for me as I had been drinking since I was 15 and it was simply part of me and part of life with friends and society and all that.

But my inner life? Messy…real messy…and it got way worse as time went on. I would try everything to figure out the secret of drinking without getting blackout wasted or embarrassed wasted or humiliating wasted or dangerous wasted…you get the point. I never did figure it out…eventually I would always end up blackout and feeling depleted, depressed, even suicidal at the end of my drinking career. I wanted so much to “be able to drink”… But what I was really missing was that the drink was causing all these issues in my life…my anxiety, depression, low self esteem, anger, frustration and on and on…to say nothing of how physically horrible it made me feel. I won’t say I never feel any of things now in sobriety, because I am human and humans feel it all…but those feelings aren’t amplified or heightened as they were with alcohol, and now I am able to feel them without wanting to escape and dull them.

So yes, you are in the right place. Honestly, you can try for moderation all you want, lord knows I spent many years on that quest. But for me, I found that right now being sober feels much more manageable and I feel really really good. I don’t worry about forever and being sober forever…I stay sober right now because I just felt so damned shitty trying to continue being a drinker. It wasn’t adding anything to my life, it was taking it. I wasted way too long at that party long long after it was over.

So, I hope you will stick around and read and interact and see who YOU are behind the alcohol and your drinking persona. Living sober is a possibility for sure and you do get used to socializing sober and realizing you will feel amazing the next morning and be regret free…that is a strong motivator for me. :grinning::rainbow::grinning:

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Looking back sometimes, I think I was never the moderating type of person in no part of my life. Only now, slowly and with time I can feel a kind of inner peace and trust in life that sooner or later everything has a sense, a meaning. Not at the moment. Atm I try to dig a hole and hide inside. Won’t work, I know.

In early sobriety talking about abstinence or never ever again was detrimental for keeping on track for me. I am not a real AA follower even if I think most of the points you find in every spiritual concept or recovery program. One is still the most important, though: one day at a time. Today is manageable, tomorrow is a new today and I can think about my sobriety anew. Today I had to focus on staying sober. Not taking the old route down to the wine section every afternoon. Drinking, sitting still, drinking, crying, falling in bed, awake early in night, thoughts spiralling and crying, watching myself in the mirror the next morning, looking like wtf, why again.

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@Alliecat, Alliecat-thank you, I’m glad your life is better & you see that! It gives me hope.
I do also think the social side of it is backwards. I guess that’s years and years of brainwashing corporations advertising? Still strange how poison is glamorized & the “normal” - trying to make you feel like you have issues if you don’t imbibe. :unamused:
yes I’m sure they have problems. I guess we gravitate to each other. They don’t care though, they have husband’s who like to drink & don’t get stuck like i do. So they don’t think it’s a problem. Today they already went to get margaritas at lunch & said they prob drunk already. I stayed home and got xmas decorating up. Trying to fill my time for today.

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@Dejavu - i noticed that with my home friends after i moved. I think we were all just escaping together. Not much substance to those relationships even though we all went through a lot together. Tough to realize that. I’m hoping this group in our new community isn’t like that. One friend wants to drink less too. I do want to find more people without losing the ones I’ve found. Thank you for the perspective

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@Butterflymoonwoman
Yes! I’m in! :two_hearts::star_struck: