Life Story
My name is Joseph McC. I was born in St. Louis in 2002. [Some identifying info deleted by moderators]. My parents were named Trisha and Bob Mcculloch. My mom was from Collinsville, Illinois and my father grew up in St. Louis, Missouri. My parents influence my life in a good way. Mom was super loving and supporting in anything I did. My dad always played sports with me even after work. My father was my hero and I looked up to him in every way, I loved both my parents. They were some of the best parents anyone could ask for. Dad was for sure the most influential person in my life. He did everything with me, showed me all his interests, always took me places, played video games with me and just gave me all the love he could give. I’m happy to have called him my father. He worked at Charter installing cable all around Missouri and Illinois. I have 2 little sisters, an older half brother and another older half sister from my fathers relationship before my mom and him met. My mom worked at SIUE early childhood center. Which is where I went for preschool. I don’t remember a whole lot from then. I just know I had a pretty good childhood. The worst early memories I have are when I was about 12 or 13 my father took a bunch of his klonopins and he drank a fuck ton on them. He had a nervous breakdown/freak out. Him and my mom were fighting on the way home and once we got home shit went nuts. We ended up leaving because we didn’t know what he was gonna do. Once we left and came back he threw the elliptical machine and his gun case out of his bedroom window. Whenever he was calmed down he went to a psych ward type of place. We got to call him sometimes during the day and I really missed him and just wanted my father to be okay. Once he came back he was doing alright and stuff but one weekend my mom went on a business trip for work. He eventually relapsed on drinking and was going nuts. He got so drunk and I was really nervous still because it wasn’t that long ago that he did all that crazy shit. I was living my little middle school life smoking weed with my friends and riding bikes all around with them. It was super fun then it was my outlet whenever my parents were fighting about my dad drinking and spending a lot of his money on it. Once I was a freshman in highschool I was realizing a lot more and it was a lot to take in sometimes. Dad and mom were fighting because my dad would lie to her about the drinking. He was also prescribed the Klonopin, percocets and adderall on top of all the drinking. I was nervous for him and the worst of all it seemed like the rest of my family was resenting my father and he was deep into depression. He was abused as a child and had an alcoholic father who would abuse his mom, him and his little brother. He had a rough childhood and I felt really bad for him because he seemed like he didn’t know how to process it. My dad would hold all his problems in and just numb it with the drinking and all the drugs he was prescribed. At one point he was buying pain pills from my best friend’s mom and my friends would tell me about laughing. Real friends huh. Nah not at all. I didn’t switch up quickly because I wasn’t as smart as I am now. I didn’t see the fake shit as easily as I do now. When I was growing up I played baseball and soccer. I eventually quit baseball to pursue my love for soccer. I practiced everyday, it was my way to forget about my problems until I had to go home. I also rode bmx bikes a lot with my friends. We would always ride from town to town just having a good time laughing and chopping it up about life. It kept me outta trouble for the most part. A lot of rough nights though I didn’t know how much it would affect me until now. I’ve learned a lot from what I’ve been through. High School started off great and had a girlfriend from my 8th grade year. She was nuts honestly, never trusted me, always assumed I was cheated or something. Until eventually I had enough and said fuck it I’m gonna cheat on her. Fucked up saying it now but she wouldn’t let me break up with her honestly and I just had enough with her shit. I was smoking weed since about 7th grade and that probably didn’t help with brain development. I got really into it my freshman year. My friends and I would just smoke after school, selling weeds and carts. Just trying to make money to get high. I never really was into drinking because my dad, brother and sister always gave me examples on why not to mess with it. It honestly traumatized me because it was just a lot to process at that age. Then when I turned 16 me and my dad celebrated our birthdays together because mine is the 1st of april and his is the 11th of april. Little did I know I wouldn’t spend another birthday with him while he was alive. One night he was drinking a lot, fighting with my mom and just seemed off to me. I had a really bad gut feeling this night. He said some harsh things to my mom was really fucked up and last conversation I had with him I gave him a little attitude and I wouldn’t until later in the the night I wouldn’t ever talk to him again. I was sitting in my bed in an argument with my ex girlfriend now but was my girlfriend then. Then she falls asleep and I’m just sitting there watching south park of course. I hear my mom yell and I hear her on the phone with somebody and I didn’t know until I got upstairs that my mom was on the phone with 911. She was crying so much and I walked out into the garage and my dad had hung himself and committed suicide. My mom and I cut him down and she tried to give him CPR until the ambulance got there. It was too late though. I could see it in him that he was gone and his soul had left his body. My mom told me to flag in the ambulance and sirens scare me to this day. Anytime I hear them I get really nervous and almost have a panic attack because it just brings back all the memories from that night. After the ambulance had gotten there they put a CPR machine on him and were trying to revive him. It was for sure too late. I knew it before they got there. Once police had shown up they asked me and my mom a bunch of questions about him and his history with drugs and alcohol because we knew it was related to that. His past was rough too. While the police and ambulance were outside still trying to save him. Me and my mom shared a very sad and long hug together. She was balling her eyes out and didn’t know how to process it. She was so hurt because they were just fighting with each other and then that had happened. Just sucks we went through all of that. Once everyone had left, me and my mom had to wake up my little sisters and tell them what had happened. They were in shock most definitely. Then we had to make some calls. I didn’t want to but we had to. We called my older brother and sister and told them the details. My brother just bursted out crying and so did my sister. They drove right over instantly. Once they got there they were still in so much shock. My brother was so mad that he had left that way. He was punching shit and everything. Just trying to take out his anger in some way. That night we all slept in the same room as a family. It was the closest we’ve ever been to each other. That night was terrifying but also beautiful at the end. We started to cherish each other more and didn’t take anything for granted again. A week after my dad passed I had to go to school and take my finals for my junior year. I failed basically all of them because I couldn’t focus for shit. Too worried about anything and everything. He didn’t leave any note to tell us why he had done what he did either. I think about why he would do something like that everyday now. The thoughts I go through daily are really hard to stop. I always just blame myself and it brings a lot of guilt and shame out of me. Like it’s my fault, I caused this, we could’ve saved him if we knew sooner or if he would’ve told someone. I feel so hopeless everytime it comes up in my head because I can’t control any of these thoughts properly. I’m so tired of feeling this way still. I have no closure whatsoever. We spread his ashes at his favorite place in Eminence Missouri. That day was really hard for me and it almost made things worse for myself. I just steady would get down on myself for what had happened. I just wish he would’ve told us something or left us something. I wanna just hug him and tell him I love him one last time. It was so sudden for me and my family and I would dissociate a lot. He did visit me in my dreams though about a night or two after and I did get to hug him and tell him I loved him but I wish it was when he was alive. Like it felt real but it wasn’t the same for real. It helped but not enough. I was just really upset with him and hurt so much. I never knew how to react or feel feelings anymore. I was ready to do the same but I didn’t want to hurt my family the same way my dad did. I just somehow was coping with it but in the worst ways I could. I didn’t know any better and I really needed therapy. I was in therapy for awhile but I didn’t take it seriously because I didn’t know how to talk about it properly yet. I was still in so much shock. I hated myself and had no clue who I was anymore. My mom is the strongest person in the world. She and I witnessed some things no one should have to witness in their life. She kept taking care of us kids very well but I had to grow up faster and help her pay for the house. We downsized and moved away from the house it happened at and it helped just being away from it. My mom was still so supportive afterwards. She’s a super mom in my eyes. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Once school started back up I just tried to focus on soccer and I was still smoking weed all the time at this point. When my senior year was about to start my anxiety ws through the roof at all times. I’d wake up sick and would have panic attacks to the point I would throw up and be shaking on the floor afterwards. The only thing that would calm me down is smacking a fat dab of wax every morning before school. My senior year of soccer was the best though for real. My team was really good that year and we were 21-2-0 in the season. Once I had my senior night though I felt like my dad should’ve been there. I wish he could’ve seen me play that year. I dedicated that whole season to him. Once we started playoffs we won regional, sectionals and super sectionals. After that we were headed to state and it really hit me then knowing he wasn’t able to physically watch. We got 3rd place though and it was a hell of a season. I also forgot to mention I had a really close girl that I was friends with. We were best friends until eventually we became more than friends. I loved everything about this girl. Her and I just connected so well and she just understood me. Her name was Mia. Mia knew just exactly what to say when I was upset about my dad and having the panic attacks. She would talk me down and I would feel better. I was definitely codependent on her. It was the only thing that gave me happiness at the time because I was so hurt and just felt so lonely. She gave me a purpose to be alive at the time. I never really grieved properly though because I was so focused on being the best boyfriend I could for her. Took her out for dinners, spent the holidays together always and she loved hockey so much. So we would go to St.louis Blues games a lot together. It started off amazing. It was everything I could ask for honestly. We fought here and there of course but it wasn’t anything major. I had a friend who tore his acl and he got prescribed percocets after the surgery. He told me about them and I said I would like to try it because I was still hurting and I didn’t really care about myself anymore. Once I tried the first one I remember the feeling being the best real feeling that I have felt in a long time. I felt normal again which is sad to say. After that I was popping percs every single day. I would get them from friends who had scripts, found them in my medicine cabinet, my grandma’s house and my girlfriends house. I did them for about a month and a half until I eventually ran out of them. I had no access to them anymore. So I was sent into withdrawal for the first time. That day I broke down to my girlfriend and I had been lying to her about them. I just told her I was really high from weed. I’d start nodding on the phone with her and she didn’t know. She was so innocent for real. Once I told her she stopped trusting me anymore. She was always worried about me doing drugs and would constantly be checking my shit to make sure I wasn’t using. That didn’t stop me for real though. I was sober for about 4 months after that. Then eventually relapsed because I found a full script of hydro 10’s at my grandma’s house when we got back from our trip in Colorado. That was a great trip but it brought out my demons again. Mia eventually found out I was using again. I was using those and xanax as well and she was easily able to tell. When I’m on xanax and percs I do not give a fuck about anyones feelings. I neglected her feelings and she did not feel wanted by me anymore. The fights we had were the worst. It was constant almost everyday. She would find my drugs and throw them away and I’d get mad as fuck. Now I realized she cared so much for my well being and loved me in the best way that she could. Only person I can foreal say that about besides my mom. I fucked up that relationship for the next year to where she couldn’t even look me in the eye anymore. She didn’t know who I was. Once it was too late I tried to get help and get sober. The love just was fading and fading. To where eventually we broke up around the start of August 2021. It broke me so much but I caused all of it to myself and I realized that. She didn’t want to break up with me but she knew she needed it if she wanted to finally love herself again because I broke her so much and she lost all love for herself. I eventually found someone else that I dated for a couple months and she left me for no reason honestly. She went through a lot though before I came into her life so I get it I guess. Right after that I went right back to the drugs. I texted my plug that always had perc 10’s and I just numbed my pain with getting high any second I could. Day, night, school, work and all of the above I did it all the time. Me and my friend Seth would do them together religiously. He’d come over and we’d go to the plug house and get enough for a day or so and then did that over and over again. It sucks because I would’ve rather gotten high than do anything with family or even work. I hated myself in every way possible. I was slowly killing myself in the end. Eventually I was selling pills to afford my habit and it was easier to do that than working. I could get high all day, have enough for gas and have enough for my car payment. At that point that was everything I could ever want. Little did I know it would send me to a dark dark place. I eventually had an old friend named Carter that hit me up that I used to be pretty close with. He was using percs as well and we decided to start using it together. We started with 10’s and that led to perc 30’s mixed with fentanyl. Once I got that hit of the fentanyl I was off to the races. Was doing about 7-10 30’s a day until I eventually found raw fentanyl caps. Once I found those it was over they were way stronger than the 30’s. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. I’d wake up sick in the middle of the night and kept having to do more and more. I was playing with my life and it was no longer a choice to do it anymore. I had to do it to function each day. I tried to stop and the most I could do was 4-5 days and I was right back to it. I thank whoever was watching over me during those times because I could’ve died any time I got high. I had a friend overdose in front of me and survived. I still was okay with doing the same exact pill he was doing. Fucked up to say I wanted to overdose. I got lucky forreal and never overdose fully. I nodded a lot of times and was always waking up head faced down at my desk. My friend Seth quit about 6 months before me and he motivated me that I can do this. I kept trying and trying to quit with my friend Carter. We would try and do it together. Everytime though we would always talk each other into using again. It was a constant everyday cycle. I eventually tried to get another job one night. Went to the orientation and just knew I wasn’t ready to work yet while in my addiction. I came home that night and told my mom that I couldn’t work while living like this. I broke down crying with her, I told her I’m sick of living like this and I want to stop doing this. She told me that it was a good idea to stop. That night I did the rest of what I had left and around the 3rd day of my withdrawals I told my mom that I was gonna go use again and if I don’t go somewhere I will for sure. She called gateway and they were gonna send me to caseyville at first but they didn’t accept people on the weekends. So they got me in touch with Gateway here in springfield. I called them at 11 and they got me in at 1. Which was surprisingly fast. I am about a month sober now and I couldn’t be more grateful. I’ve learned so much here and will forever love each and everyone here. This place is a blessing and if you work out whatever you’re going through. I promise things will get easier and better. Addiction will take anyone it wants only if you let it. Each and everyone of you has the power to fight this thing we call addiction. I hope my story can inspire someone to find the belief that they can achieve recovery and have another chance at life. I love you guys and I hope the best for each and everyone of you. P.S. I’m on day 54 now and in a 90 day sober living facility as we speak