I was rejected by ever girl I ever fell in love with. When I turned 18, my mother gave me porn, saying, “It’s better than going out and raping some girl.” I couldn’t stop when I got married, of course. My wife is a Type A perfectionist and isn’t threatening to divorce me but rejects me in other ways.
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Glad you’re here, friend. If you want to change things then things have to change… and staying away from things that keep us in the misery cycle is difficult, but it can be done. Coming here daily, sometimes therapy is helpful, getting involved with our own fellows in recovery. It all helps.
It all starts with the desire to do life differently. But, we gotta put in the work. And daily. Because this is a disease of the mind, and we’re attached to it all the time. So, self driven obsession/s to be quieted require staying out of our own heads.
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Welcome @Idontbelonganywhere
I too have all manner of addictive behavior. The one that has probably caused the most damage is porn. I used it throughout highschool and college. Very formative years. I didn’t want to pursue relationships because of what I saw in my childhood home between my parents. So I used it to avoid any discomfort. Boredom, loneliness, fear, etc. I used it to celebrate wins and would go on a binge.
Fast forward a few years and I found myself in a relationship that left me disrespected, cheated on, lied to, and I still clung to it. I was using my spouse as a fix to get sex the way I wanted it and was willing to put up with all sorts of negative behaviors so that I could get what I thought I needed.
I’m divorced now. Almost 8 months without porn. I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. Been working out and eating right. Going to 12 step meetings, seeing a therapist, dealing with depression with my doctor involved. I’m rebuilding myself into a man that doesn’t run from discomfort. A man who I respect and love before anyone else. If I don’t have that, then I’m cooked. No one is going ro be able to give me validation like I can give myself. Also, I do need to improve socially. But more to feel community than to feel the ego trip of approval.
I’m 5’7” and I’m probably invisible to most women. Who cares. My life and my purpose aren’t going to be defined by any romantic accomplishments. Certainly it can be supplemental and fulfilling but it’s not the main goal. The wrong relationship is only gonna distract from your focus.
What do you want your future self to look like and what’s a step you can take toward that goal today?
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That’s a good question. I’ll have to think about that one.
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I am sorry you are dealing with all this. What you are describing is a painful mix of rejection, emotional stress, and using porn as an escape over time. Porn often starts as a way to deal with stress or loneliness, but over time it can lead to guilt, distance, and problems in relationships. Right now, focus on small improvements instead of trying to be perfect. Try to stop the binge pattern, gain more self-control, and slowly work on better connection and honest talk in your relationship. If it feels too difficult, getting help from a counselor can make things easier.
Thank you for sharing your story so openly. It takes real courage to talk honestly about something that carries so much shame and isolation. A lot of people silently struggle with porn addiction, but very few are willing to confront it the way you are. You are definitely not alone in this journey. Wishing you strength, patience, and peace moving forward. Keep going one day at a time.
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