So. Hello everyone. I know it’s been a while since my last post but hey. Life. I’ve been sober now 664 days. The days of drinking and parts of this process combined have really taken a toll on my marriage. I know my wife and I care for one another, but it doesn’t really seem like we love each other much more than close friends. There’s a lot of anger and yelling and negativity on her end, just in general not related to drinking, and I’ve tried everthing I can think of to alleviate this, which has led to myself and somewhat the kids tiptoeing around so to speak as not to piss off my wife. Things go fine for a bit and everyone gets comftorble, then bam. I’m kicked out. Getting screamed at. All because she got mad about something. Our lives are crazy with 4 kids but there’s no chill. There’s a ton on me to do bc I am the primary caretaker for the children, but it’s never enough. I always come up short and it leads to a series of fights in which I eventually get asked to leave. Never for more than a day or it’s turned around and somehow my fault that I physically left. Idk what to do about my marriage I honestly am so sick of living this way, day in and day out. It’s constant. The threat of being told to get out just looms over me. But If I leave and stay gone, I have no where to go, and feel like I should put up with it bc she put up with me and my drinking for over a year. Plus the kids. They are so important to me, but I can’t stand living this way, and even if I do leave I fear she will take it out on them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m really unsure of how to proceed but gotta do something.
I would suggest getting a copy of the book, The Love Dare, and doing what it suggests. Can’t hurt. I am praying for your marriage.
Ouch. I am sorry you are going thru such a rough patch in your marriage. Do you two do counseling together? It sounds like you could use some help communicating better and she could use some assistance with stress and learning to blow off steam more productively.
I know I used to have a wicked short fuse when I was drinking. Is your wife drinking? If not, does she get any physical activity? It sounds like she is super stressed and perhaps unable or doesn’t know how to ask for what she needs in a productive fashion.
Therapy together or apart is my recommendation.
She does not drink, no history of drinking problems. She is not very active, always very tired, she has no problem telling me what she needs, but it’s like I’m being pulled in several directions and I try to deliver but sometimes I just can’t do it all, or things get crazy and I forget something, I’m by no means lazy, but I am human. It could really be anything that would set her off and she becomes a wall, so in order to even start talking about anything I gotta get past the wall of passive aggressiveness and anger. She blows off my valid points and proclaims herself a bitch for making everyone’s lives difficult. It’s just impossible. I’m just tired of always being the one to apologize or change something, “do more” and it’s like for what. Because you will act this way again. And you will make it my fault again. So I almost wanna give up. If I start a conversation about this with her it will almost surely go very wrong. I really don’t mind all the responsibilities my life just feels very unforgiving at the moment.
Could help. I’ll look into it. I’m just starting to feel major contempt twords her for being in a seemingly impossible situation. It just sucks. And I do blame her.
Try reading the book forgive for love by Fred Luskin. Proven tools for helping situations like you’re in. I read the book forgive for good by the same author when I got sober and had my boyfriend read it too as we had similar issues. He couldn’t forgive me for my past wrongdoings and I couldn’t continue to beat myself up over my past. If a relationship is to work, you both need to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. We can not change our past selves or actions and you do not need to constantly be shamed for your past addiction. You deserve more, too. Do not forget that, @Travis
I hear you are at your wits end and ready to give up on your marriage. Do you do therapy? Perhaps that would be a good start. Marriage and people are complicated, or they can be. Having someone to talk to, especially someone who specializes in marriage counseling, will be helpful to you alone or to you both. I highly recommend finding a therapist for yourself.
I am not being shamed in any way for being an alcoholic. the reason I’m posting about this here is bc it could have an effect on my sobriety, and because I feel I have an obligation, (obvious things aside) because she was with me through a tough time drinking. I wish she could make changes. I have suggested she make a change and she is well aware of her behavior. She just doesn’t or can’t or is afraid to idk. She has an excuse for every solution I propose. We’ve been “on down through it” with this shit… Which is why I’m feeling like this is just how its gonna be.
I agree it could be helpful. The thing is she has already turned down therapy as an aid to her problems, “don’t have time, too expensive, I’ve already Been there and done that”.
Well then, go by yourself. It will still be helpful for you.
Ok I will try that. Idk how I’m gonna make that happen but I will try that.
Yes ma’am I have requested such things. I told her at this point in our relationship, that’s all I need, for her to not do these things, I don’t even care about being particularly happy atm I just need some freaking certainty. I hadn’t been kicked out since, and that was probably a month ago or so, but I feel it coming on sometime soon, I just feel cornered like I hafta leave if it doesn’t stop because what else can I really do. And for the skeptics out there, I do realize and admit that our life is far from perfect as am I, but I really try my best and give my all with her attempting to make her happy, being involved with the kids, i make mistakes but it’s nothing worth the reaction in getting. There’s no cheating or stealing or deception, or degradation. Life’s just hard with kids and work and I get that.
From a outside perspective, it sounds like you may not be communicating very well and there are some resentments that are being repressed and buried. I know that when little things quickly explode into big things in my relationship, it’s because I or my wife is trying to not deal with something.
Usually after we have a long honest talk about whatever is underneath the anger and resentment, even though there is often yelling and tears, things tend to settle down. Being respectful in these conversations is so hard, because of the intense emotions, but it is so important. Honest communication can go a long way to strengthening a relationship. It’s painful but worth it.
I very respectful and actually easy to communicate with, I’m the cool calm one one in the relationship. She attributes her behavior to how she was raised, certain treatment she received from her mother, or that her parents fought terribly, but I think she just uses that as an excuse not to try and fix it. I think I’veade my decision, it’s been nearly a month mulling things over. I really appreciate everyone’s input, and I hate to be so contrary to everyone’s suggestions. I just am convinced there is no changing for her.
I hear you, no worries. Sometimes that is the case. Unfortunately, some people are just not good for us.
Hope you stick around things get better for you!
You talk a lot about your issues with your wife but I would say your kids are the most important members of your household. How do you get on with them?
I know the times when I got home from work and played with the kids then the relationship with my wife grew. Which was weird for me as a man as I felt like I needed to make my wife happy when in fact she needed a break from kids so she just wanted to be alone. Anyway. It was a win win.
Yea I get along well with her children, it’s a blended family, but that seems to have little importance for her in the big picture, which I kind of understand. I mean I know it’s important to her but when these raging fights go on its because she feels slighted or left out in some way, so the other family members are not really taken into consideration when these snap decisions are made for me to move out. I honestly belive it to be a power move which is why I’m certain it will not stop.