Hi,
Ut oh. I might need to hear some Recovery Dharma today too! Not wired to stop? Wow. 
. I’m so torn up about stopping. But I had to stop or would have been stopped. Letting go of the notion that I am what I do, or produce. I like it. 
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Ooooh @Twizzlers 
these look good! I need to look into this recovery dharma thing. This is new to me but I’ve always found comfort from Buddhist teachings. 
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Exactly.
I understand it (the situation with Refuge Recovery and Recovery Dharma) much like what @acromouse described. Like @Thirdmonkey said, I started with Recovery Dharma and that’s where I am still. I’ve gone to a few online Refuge Recovery mtgs, and have nothing untoward to say about them. If any of this comes up at all in meetings or outside, I tend not to get involved.
For me? whether it’s this forum, or a meeting with my Sangha, or a yoga class - these are all real life, just like life. All of us humans doing the best we know how that day. Messy and real and the fodder of life.
What I appreciate about the whole 8-fold path, (and I think what any of us appreciate about our program of choice), is that it actually gives another way for me to deal with life, to respond to it and live. We sure know what doesn’t work. 
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I’m reading daily (about a page and half) from “The Sun My Heart” by Thich Nhat Hanh.
I’ve got a bit of internal yuck going on. I’ve trained to avoid this stuff for years. 
Early in the book he writes about resistance - to our thoughts during meditation, but also in life.
"…but really this resistance is born out of our very efforts to be peaceful. The effort itself becomes oppressive. Our thoughts and feelings flow like a river. If we try to stop the flow of a river, we will meet the resistance of the water. It is better to flow with it, and then we may be able to guide it in ways we want it to go. We must not attempt to halt it.
Keep in mind that the river must flow and that we are going to follow it. We must be aware of every little stream that joins it. We must be aware of all the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise in us - of their birth, duration, and disappearance. Do you see? Now the resistance beings to disappear. The river of perceptions is still flowing, but no longer in darkness. It is now flowing in the sunlight of awareness. To keep this sun always shining inside of us, illuminating each rivulet, each pebble, each bend in the river, is the practice of meditation. …
…A peaceful mind does not mean a mind empty of thoughts, sensations, and emotion. A peaceful mind is not an absent one. It is clear that thoughts and feelings alone do not comprise the whole of our being."
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This is perfect. It kind of reminds me of what my sponsor told me last night as we too discussed the fact that I’ve spent a lifetime learning how to avoid feelings and it’s hard to let the new layers surface.
She said, “The suffering is in the holding on, not in the letting go”…
That one hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right, naturally.
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I will be re-reading this over and over. Examples from life came screaming through my brain as I read it.
Thank you!
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@MandiH and @Thirdmonkey, yep, it hit me too!
The whole acknowledging my feelings, not avoiding them, but also knowing they come and go and don’t define me or even my state of being in that moment. OMG. I had no idea, truly.
I like the part too where he says “and then we may be able to guide it [the river, our thoughts, etc] in ways we want it to go”.
So much to learn and practice. Life is giving me plenty of opportunity these days. 
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From The pocket Thich Naht Hanh
We need to learn to appreciate the value of impermanence. If we are in good health and are aware of impermanence, we will take good care of ourselves. When we know that the person we love is impermanent, we will cherish our beloved all the more. Impermanence teaches us to respect and value every moment and all the precious things around us and inside of us. When we practice mindfulness of impermanence, we become fresher and more loving.
Of all the lessons that have helped me most in this journey, impermanence has impacted me most. Where I need to work on the most is at the “moment” level.
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Very powerful I read it a good few times.
Book marked this.
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We start with ourselves. Why is that so darn hard? I guess all my life I have been taught that its selfish.
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A wonderful reminder from The Pocket Thich Naht Hanh
Does the rose have to do something? No, the purpose of a rose it to be a rose. Your purpose is to be yourself. You don’t have to run anywhere to become someone else. You are wonderful just as you are.
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I am really struggling with the youngest. Still. This time watching him be manipulative. Long story, still long…he volunteered to watch our dog while we went camping. Originally his sister was going to watch her. He was “offended” we didnt ask him. Ms. Monkey was 100% honest with him and told him, “we cant count on you”.
He ended up giving our dog to his sister, as something came up. When he called mom to ask her if he could, she told him to do what he thought was best.
He says he called so she could talk him out of going to where he was going, so in reality it is Ms
Monkey’s fault.
In the grand scheme of life its a small issue. But when compiled with everyrhing else…its getting old.
But the true issue, i dont like how I feel and that I cant let it go.
Vent over
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A very good reason to vent. It seems like one of those situations where there is at least at the moment no comfort to be found. So yeah. He behaves like a little shit and obviously is not inclined to take responsibility for his actions, instead blaming others. At the same time he is family and avoiding him won‘t do. I‘d hate to be in this situation as well. Now you can only sit with your discomfort and shitty feelings. This is one of this moments where I really don‘t want to hear what a buddhist teacher has to say about 
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Well hell, you summed up exactly what i couldnt put into words. Guess I will just roll with it and see what happens.
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Totally different circumstances, but same. All day.
Earlier today I was thinking I’m not sure I know the difference, today, between “letting go” and detaching in an unhealthy “fine, I don’t give a fuck” kind of way. When, in fact, I do (give a fuck). And should. Just differently. And I don’t know how to.
But just reading your words is helpful. And Aga’s @acromouse too. Maybe we’re right where we need to be? Sitting in our own discomfort?
I dunno. I think I just tuck myself in early tonight and try again tomorrow.
Namaste, fine friends.
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