I come today with a very saddened heart. I have become a raging alcoholic yet again. I’ve gotten to the point where nothing else seems to matter?? I’ve lost my job as a welder because when quarantine was lifted because I decided to go to a resturant on a monday night and get way too fu*ked up. Since then-- I’ve gone into a spiraling path. I love it. Too much. I love day drinking because I dont like being alone with my thoughts. If I think for too long-- I work myself into a bad way. Last night my boyfriend got the most messed up I’ve ever seen him. I’ve become a bad influence on him and that’s detrimental. I’ve gained weight because a night out or night in calls for something greasy at 2 am. I’m really ashamed of myself and I know God is too. I just want to be okay. Maybe I need counseling or something? I’m saddened with my life because I’ve let myself go when I’ve done so well before. Ashamed.
My first thought is to send you a hug… I know it sucks right now, but you did it before and you will again. Make today the first day of living healthy… Glad you’re back here~!
God is a forgiving god and he loves us no matter what we do. Keep your head up and use how you feel now to try and stay sober. If meetings are a option for you i suggest you go check one out. Pick up a daily meditations book for encouragement every day.
Ohhh Sav that’s a rough spot: I’m sorry you’re there. It’s a hard place and no doubt you are feeling shame and regret. I’m sorry for you.
But it’s good. You want to change. You see the wasted time and energy from alcohol. There are so many people here on TS who have been in the same place. Read around here, learn, and make a decision about what you’re going to do differently.
You said that
We’ve all been there. All of us. We try to run. We run, we run, we escape into our addictions. Some of us for decades. It’s always the same though: wasted time, wasted health. Regret. Shame. Repeat the cycle. Nothing good ever happens. Ever.
Might be time to change something. Have you looked into a recovery group? For me I didn’t make any significant progress in sobriety until I joined one. Connecting and learning with other people in recovery makes a huge difference. Take a look at some of the resources here:
Most important: make your decision. Decide, in your heart, that you want this. And then move forward, no matter what. Don’t stop. Don’t doubt that change will happen. Do things differently, try new, sober things, and be willing to change the patterns (and relationships) you have that are part of your addiction. Be fearless and determined - and you will get there. You can do it sister! 
You spoke in your last posts earlier in April about running from your pain and worry. This seems to be a pattern. One thing we all learn eventually is we have to live life on life’s terms: if life is one thing, it’s unpredictable, and we addicts have spent a long time running from unpredictable or unpleasant things.
Learning acceptance and peace sounds like it could help for you. It is a learnable skill. Once you find a group that can help; other sources are good recovery podcasts - one of my favourite (not specifically a recovery place, but definitely good for acceptance and serenity) is this one:
www.InsightTimer.com
Take care Sav. You’re a good person. Your past does not define you - it does not. You deserve a steady, sober life, and you can have it. 
I like to day drink so I’m not alone with my thoughts and it seems to make the day go by not so boring. I know what your going through and I am here for the first time trying to get my life back on track. I do t know if I can do it but I. Going to try
Don’t be sad it happens to the best of us, trust it does. Pick yourself up and try it again it’s never to late. Take it slow one day at a time. Counseling is not a bad idea, whatever works for you, everyone is different. Take care and I hope you find that will power inside of you to change for the best.
Good for you Tiffany - it sounds like you see a problem and want to change Read around here, learn as much as you can. Lots of good people here to learn from on the sober journey
Thank you all very much. 1 day and 7 hours. It’s been so hot today I could burst I want a beer or shot so bad. I’m not going to. I’m going to go clean my car or something.
Good for you! Those positive choices build momentum for you. You’re doing great 
I have so been where u are…I got so used to being drunk I felt weird if I didnt drink…I own 2 companies and always felt like people could smell the rum on me…most days I started at 530am when I found a hidden bottle in my truck…the worst feeling was getting served with divorce papers and having my wife try to Baker act me twice…I have a CCL and own alot of guns . She told the police I was gonna a harm myself…I wouldve never…I was always worried about getting pulled over…I finally just had to put it down before it destroyed me…my wife noticed the difference by day 40 or so sober…we have decided to stay together and are happier then ever…keep busy…find a hobby even if ur bf doesn’t do it with u…I have been going to church for the last 5 months…i always said it was stupid till i went and just felt uplifted…my wife will not go with me…i took up kayaking and go by myself atleast 3 or 4 times a week…we own a horse and are actually trying a new one for me to have for myself…sorry to ramble but I learn from listening to other people’s stories and I get Inspiration from them…the people on this app are great…always here to help when u have a bad day or are proud of u when u have a good day…
Thank you, Melvin. I’ve gone down this path before, but this time seems harder. I also wasn’t drinking as much then as I have been in the recent weeks. I’d talk to myself in my head-- “beer is boring me, liquor makes me throw up, wine makes me sleepy and lethargic, bump it-- I’ll get a new kind of beer and see if I like that better” so-- I’d still end up drinking even if my body told me no. The worst times are when I’m alone-- because no one will be disappointed in me except me. Recently- I saw a post online saying there could be hundreds of version of yourself occupying in other people’s minds-- yet, your own is the most derogatory to yourself and your progress in whatever it may be. Church helps me-- I always hear what God wants me to realize. I’ve missed so many services because of Saturday night shenanigans. I like to read, yet my mind tries to vear me. Idk- its strange.
Have you tried Celebrate Recovery? I haven’t been myself but people who have attended have said the atmosphere is very spiritual and the people are great. If you find church helps you, maybe this could help too? The other nice thing is they have lots of them many nights a week, so you can usually find one to attend pretty easily.