My addiction started when I was 11 years old. I’m 39 now and it was the shock of finding out that my wife had an affair to make me stop using it. We’ve been together for 23 years. High school sweet hearts. She is my first and only love. We have 2 children.
I was so hooked on my addiction my whole life it affected the way I was with her emotionally and physically. Never fully committed. I chose my addiction over her countless times in our relationship. After our last child was born she lost a lot of her confidence. Which wasn’t much to begin with. She’s always struggled with her self esteem. Knowing this I still chose my addiction over her. I wasn’t there for her physically or emotionally. Because I had my addiction to lean on i chose it over helping her through her issues. After finding out about the affair and looking back on the way I had been treating her when it happened I don’t blame her for doing it. There was never any physical or verbal abuse in our relationship. There was lack of compassion, lack of emotional support, withholding physical intimacy. All on my part. I feel a lot of guilt and remorse for my actions now that I see it.
I found it hard to be honest with her about my past. Even though I wanted to. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell her everything. There was a lot. So I typed a confession in my phone and kept it to myself. Reading it often trying to talk myself into talking to her about it. She ended up finding it in my phone. She couldn’t believe what she was reading. Like a stranger had written it. The level of my addiction most would say it’s on the same level or worse than having a physical affair.
She is willing to give me a second chance just as I am for her. We are both committed to working on ourselves and on our relationship. We aren’t willing to lose everything we’ve built together and separate our family because of our mistakes in the past. We have a long road ahead of us but we are doing it together. I’m an extremely private person and have a very hard time finding the courage to seek help through therapy. I spend my days reading online and listening to informative videos and podcasts. Doing online boot camps with her as well.
I have no interest in going back to the secret life I was living all these years. This is my first time sharing my story with any people other than my wife. Thank you for taking the time to read. Any words or advice from anyone will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your story.
Try to seek therapy, it will be a lot easier to maintain behavioural addiction with profesional help. I have friend who is AA and SA he says therapy helped him a lot to understand his ilness. Besides yo can try Sex Addict Anonymous groups. As 12 step program is also good way of dealing with problem.
Part of your story was close to mine. I am alc.and drug addict but i also was dealing with hiding my life before others.
Getting sober opened freedom i never had.
Take care. And generally way you start saying truth is best way to start and go on. Truth and trying to live with it and beeing honest person.changed a lot in my life.
Welcome Will. My name is Matt and I struggled with porn and masturbation too. My addiction is to lust: lusting after images, scenes, situations, the perfect “high” to numb my pain and soothe my self-pity.
My wife and I have been married 15 years, together for 16. I started going to a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city in 2019 because I realized I wasn’t going to be able to do this without help. At that clinic I learned about my problem and I learned I was not alone. I also learned there was decades worth of practice and knowledge in the sex addiction recovery community, in clinics and in recovery groups like Sexaholics Anonymous (www.SA.org, of which I am a member), to help me find freedom, and to help me help others to find their freedom.
I disclosed my affair with porn in late 2019, after more than 11 years of marriage. (I spoke with my clinic counsellor about it first. This disclosure is something that should be done with careful consideration.) My wife had suspected it for some time.
She decided to stay with me and in fact, she joined a partners’ recovery group (partners of sex addicts in recovery), where she made connections with others whose partners had a sex addiction. She found empathy there and learned she was not alone. (There are groups like that around the world, for example in S-Anon: https://sanon.org/find-a-meeting/.)
Every person and every partnership has their own expectations, experience, and boundaries, and this is something you are exploring now. Keep an attitude of compassion (for her and for yourself, and for your marriage, which is the boat you are both on, on the ocean of life - through the calm seas and through the storms - your boat has cracks and needs repair, and like all boats it will need ongoing maintenance).
I find my recovery is a daily effort. It is like gardening: the soil is prepared, the seeds planted, the plants protected and nurtured, the harvest done, and the cycle repeats; there is something to be done every day (meditation, calls and communication with my recovery community, caring for my body and my mind, spending caring time with my wife).
Welcome to Talking Sober. You are not alone. You can find your path, with time and daily effort.
Welcome Will.
There is a chat here that focuses on PMO addiction that has alot of helpful tools. I have my life story over there. You are far from alone man on your struggles. I was exposed to my dad’s porn at age 8/9 and i’m 42 and it’s still a daily battle. But a battle that can be won, one day at a time.
Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to be vulnerable. I’m glad you’ve sought help. I suspect things won’t be “fixed” when it’s just you, I think you both would benefit from couples therapy. Just a suggestion. Please stay and read, get to know some folks.