It helps remember why and when you chose this person. I like to circle back to when I met my husband and remember what I liked about him 13 years ago. The grass is not greener. My late friend used to say opposites attract but they don’t last. My husband and me are very much alike. Think about yourself. Are you and your wife more alike than you noticed? Maybe she doesn’t realize she sounds selfish. Maybe you do the same and don’t realize.
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An interesting point. I’ll have a look.
Romanticizing alcohol…yes!!! It does sound like you are doing that. I STILL do that. Dammit, I do badly want to relax after a long, hard day of work with a nice scotch on the rocks. But the thing is, that romantic scene just doesn’t exist for me. That scotch on the rocks quickly turns into a bottle of wine and then some and I’m either falling asleep at 7:30 and ignoring my family responsibilities or I’m yelling at people because they’ve somehow pissed my drunk ass off.
Ideally we wouldn’t romanticize at all but I’m not sure that’s possible since we see it everywhere. You just need to remind yourself that it just doesn’t exist for us. We can never have that happy relationship with alcohol . NEVER.
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I stopped asking questions like, “Why is my wife such a nag, so dominant, always putting me down, always complaining?”
Instead, I’ve been asking, “Why did I co-create this relationship?”
Because there was a reason why I chose her, and why she chose me. If I’m a broken person (and I am), then I’m not going to marry a healthy person. Unhealthy people have relationships with other unhealthy people. In a broken relationship, there’s never just one broken person, there’s always 2.
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This is a pretty good description of the reality for me/us. Of course, when I’m romanticising it, it’s the fun, happy times that I remember. Thanks for posting.
I love my wife and I love our relationship. My original post was out of concern that our relationship that I value above everything else in the world was taking a hit because of the fact that I am no longer drinking. I just want to re-state that. 
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First - the intent behind your original post came out loud and clear. No questions there at all!
Second - I have little to offer, especially given all of above, but wonder about something else. Some background… In the counselling my ex-husband and I did (we parted for reasons unrelated to all of this), the counsellor treated the relationship as the client, which greatly helped the process. Not rocket science, but we learned that when one person changes, even minutely, of course the relationship changes. Even good change - growth - in one, can cause a troubling effect in the relationship. But the good news is that in strong relationships, balance comes back over time. Reflecting on this in my parents’ 55-year marriage, I certainly witnessed this: it was like one would grow, they would fall out of step, then back in step and walk a little further until - boom - the other would grow or change, relationship recalibration needed, and so forth.
In my former beloved’s and my marriage, I would say we drank too much, but it appeared functional. With dinners, with friends, or he with sports and me with book club, after yoga (sigh) etc. Together, I think it was something that we used to find more common ground. He would always do dry January to prove to himself he had his drinking in check. Me? I could never make it beyond a week, but felt I didn’t have quite the same consumption as he did.
Then last summer, he and I went for a walk, (we’re on good terms - didn’t happen overnight ) and I casually mentioned that I hadn’t had a drink in a few months, and the look on his face was… scared, actually. What would this mean for him? Could he ever do the same? I think he was asking himself these questions. Even 10 years after we parted! but still - in a small way, one person’s change and growth can almost threaten the other. A rising tide lifts all boats…
As self-aware as we think we are, it may be that you aren’t able to see all the ways you’ve changed just yet, and all the ways she’s experiencing this change in you.
Time. I think time and talking when needed are all that’s needed right now…
…which were already said above!
Thank you for sharing this. I wish your marriage great health and happiness! 
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I really appreciate your response, Emm - as I do all of the others.
I was feeling a bit desperate when I started this thread. I wasn’t sure that it would help, I just didn’t know what else to do. I don’t have friends that I can discuss this with in real life. I mean, I have friends - but I wasn’t going there with this, with them.
Anyway, the response on here has been really illuminating. Things are only obvious if you know them, right?! I’m finding that a lot on TS in general. I’ll see something that makes a huge impression on me, and once it has sunk in I’ll be like - how on earth did I not see that before?!
Of course I am changing a lot, and of course I don’t know the extent of that yet - or even if I ever will. Of course it must be unsettling for my lovely wife. Change brings uncertainty.
I want you all to know that I have made changes in real life as a result of the conversation in this thread. We have talked a lot - but I have been a bit more aware and compassionate.
That has really helped her to engage with me a bit more. We sat and listened to two This Naked Mind podcasts together yesterday evening to try to give her a peek at where I am. It’s so hard for her to understand it because she’s never seen things from where I am now - Thankfully.
As you say, Emm, the strongest relationships will change as people grow, but they will realign given time - along with a bit of conscious effort and perseverance.
Thanks again, all. 
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Just wanted to say I really admire your sensitivity and willingness to work on ur relationship with ur wife. Hope she found the podcast illuminating.
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Flipping blimey, Fleur. That caught me a bit off guard and made me a little bit emotional and embarrassed.
Thank you.
Our marriage and our kids are our life’s work. Worth a bit of attention. I would drink again in a heartbeat if I felt that I was jeopardising that - but hopefully there’s another way.
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I was thinking how I am still full of a lot of walls and resentments in regard to my own. Need to take a leaf out of ur book.
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Thanks for bringing the subject up and sharing about it Tony. Great thoughts and shares all around. About relationships in general, not just between partners, so there’s something (or lots) in it for me too.
All I can say is there is another way. I’m 100% sure of that. And also that I’m sorry for you, but there is no going back. Recovery isn’t linear but time is. We can’t go back. The old Tony is gone. You evolved and you’ll never go back where you were before. There’s only forward. Which way to go exactly is ours to determine though. And work on. Sober. One day at a time. Thanks again Tony and success. Glad to see you made a lot of progress already.
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I’m confident that there’s another way. It may take a bit of patience and a bit of work, but I’m now confident that we’ll get there. I now understand what I need to do, and I will do it.
Thanks for your words, Menno. I always value and respect what you say.
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