It helps remember why and when you chose this person. I like to circle back to when I met my husband and remember what I liked about him 13 years ago. The grass is not greener. My late friend used to say opposites attract but they don’t last. My husband and me are very much alike. Think about yourself. Are you and your wife more alike than you noticed? Maybe she doesn’t realize she sounds selfish. Maybe you do the same and don’t realize.
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An interesting point. I’ll have a look.
Romanticizing alcohol…yes!!! It does sound like you are doing that. I STILL do that. Dammit, I do badly want to relax after a long, hard day of work with a nice scotch on the rocks. But the thing is, that romantic scene just doesn’t exist for me. That scotch on the rocks quickly turns into a bottle of wine and then some and I’m either falling asleep at 7:30 and ignoring my family responsibilities or I’m yelling at people because they’ve somehow pissed my drunk ass off.
Ideally we wouldn’t romanticize at all but I’m not sure that’s possible since we see it everywhere. You just need to remind yourself that it just doesn’t exist for us. We can never have that happy relationship with alcohol . NEVER.
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I stopped asking questions like, “Why is my wife such a nag, so dominant, always putting me down, always complaining?”
Instead, I’ve been asking, “Why did I co-create this relationship?”
Because there was a reason why I chose her, and why she chose me. If I’m a broken person (and I am), then I’m not going to marry a healthy person. Unhealthy people have relationships with other unhealthy people. In a broken relationship, there’s never just one broken person, there’s always 2.
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This is a pretty good description of the reality for me/us. Of course, when I’m romanticising it, it’s the fun, happy times that I remember. Thanks for posting.
I love my wife and I love our relationship. My original post was out of concern that our relationship that I value above everything else in the world was taking a hit because of the fact that I am no longer drinking. I just want to re-state that. 
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I really appreciate your response, Emm - as I do all of the others.
I was feeling a bit desperate when I started this thread. I wasn’t sure that it would help, I just didn’t know what else to do. I don’t have friends that I can discuss this with in real life. I mean, I have friends - but I wasn’t going there with this, with them.
Anyway, the response on here has been really illuminating. Things are only obvious if you know them, right?! I’m finding that a lot on TS in general. I’ll see something that makes a huge impression on me, and once it has sunk in I’ll be like - how on earth did I not see that before?!
Of course I am changing a lot, and of course I don’t know the extent of that yet - or even if I ever will. Of course it must be unsettling for my lovely wife. Change brings uncertainty.
I want you all to know that I have made changes in real life as a result of the conversation in this thread. We have talked a lot - but I have been a bit more aware and compassionate.
That has really helped her to engage with me a bit more. We sat and listened to two This Naked Mind podcasts together yesterday evening to try to give her a peek at where I am. It’s so hard for her to understand it because she’s never seen things from where I am now - Thankfully.
As you say, Emm, the strongest relationships will change as people grow, but they will realign given time - along with a bit of conscious effort and perseverance.
Thanks again, all. 
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Just wanted to say I really admire your sensitivity and willingness to work on ur relationship with ur wife. Hope she found the podcast illuminating.
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Flipping blimey, Fleur. That caught me a bit off guard and made me a little bit emotional and embarrassed.
Thank you.
Our marriage and our kids are our life’s work. Worth a bit of attention. I would drink again in a heartbeat if I felt that I was jeopardising that - but hopefully there’s another way.
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I was thinking how I am still full of a lot of walls and resentments in regard to my own. Need to take a leaf out of ur book.
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Thanks for bringing the subject up and sharing about it Tony. Great thoughts and shares all around. About relationships in general, not just between partners, so there’s something (or lots) in it for me too.
All I can say is there is another way. I’m 100% sure of that. And also that I’m sorry for you, but there is no going back. Recovery isn’t linear but time is. We can’t go back. The old Tony is gone. You evolved and you’ll never go back where you were before. There’s only forward. Which way to go exactly is ours to determine though. And work on. Sober. One day at a time. Thanks again Tony and success. Glad to see you made a lot of progress already.
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I’m confident that there’s another way. It may take a bit of patience and a bit of work, but I’m now confident that we’ll get there. I now understand what I need to do, and I will do it.
Thanks for your words, Menno. I always value and respect what you say.
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