So I made a post already about J and how she passed away due to an OD, but I’m realizing now just how unhealthy our relationship was.
I was 14 she was 35. Big yikes. She told me it was fine cause I was “mature for my age” and all that bs. I had to keep it a secret from my friends and family, legit only like 2 people in my life knew about her.
She was always getting me drunk/high. She bought me booze almost every time we saw each other, later she got me into drugs including trying coke, and even heroin once. She was leading down a bad road.
We never had sex when I was sober. She always made sure I was really out of it before we had sex. I barely remember any of it. She would tell me that I had initiated it and she took me kissing her a little as a yes and next thing I know I’m waking up naked next to her.
So in conclusion, I’m pretty sure she was taking advantage of me the whole time. I know that sounds very obvious but she seemed so genuine back then, like she really did love me. I feel like an idiot for ever trusting her. I could really use some comfort right now, I didn’t know how awful she was until I put 2 and 2 together yknow.
My friend, you are not an idiot. This is a common story for episodes like this. Unfortunately, in this world there are people that are master manipulators. You are not at fault, not to blame, this person got inside your head. Moving forward, I would suggest counseling or therapy as a helpful tool to move forward.
You were young. When we are teenagers our brains aren’t fully formed. We process information differently because we are still children, no matter how mature we may seem. You weren’t stupid, you were abused and used. This was not your fault. She was the adult and should have known better. There’s going to be a lot for you to unpack and process as you go through therapy, but I hope that you will eventually be able to work through all of this and find peace at the end.
You’re smart for figuring this out for yourself. You’re brave for telling your story here. You’re wise asking for help, right here and from a therapist. I salute you Amanda. I might have the guts myself to tell exactly what I did and what happened when I was 14. Not sure but you showed me the way. And I do know neither of us are to blame for what happened back then. Big hugs.
It’s called “grooming”, and it’s what predators use to manipulate children. They are quite adept at it too. This wasn’t your fault. She was a pedophile.
Do you think of children as idiots when they are taken advantage of? I highly doubt it. Therefore do not think of yourself as an idiot, you were a child. You trusted someone who took advantage of you and in no way could this ever be your fault. Good for you for seeking therapy, I cannot pretend to know your struggle but one thing is for sure, you were not at fault. Sending support and care and wishing you healing, take care of you!
ahhhh a good old retrospective. hindsight is always 20/20. you’re not alone on looking back and wondering what the hell were we thinking? thats the wonderful thing about life. we experience, we grow from/with it and we learn a lot.
