My second time going five years without a drink. What's different this time?

SinceIAwoke · March 9, 2025, 2:08pm

Jason, on the subject of sponsorship, I always had sponsors who were an important part of my day, and who were older than me in years and time in the program. I had sponsors for 3, 3, and 6 years each, with time off in between there. Just before COVID hit, I switched to a guy who was younger than me but had been in AA longer. We were starting the book, which was a type of sponsorship I had not experienced at that point, about 15 years into sobriety.

When he stopped coming to our three times a week home group pretty early on, I did not pursue the relationship further after that. I’ve been without a sponsor for five years now, and I still feel confident in my sobriety. I did have a guy ask me to sponsor him within the past 4 months, and I told him that I was not comfortable doing that without having a sponsor of my own. We tried instead to get a Plain Language Big Book study meeting going - lots of false starts with that, and the original guy has had to drop out. But the other two of us shanghaied another guy and we are still trying to get together! But things look positive for this week - no medical issues or work trips or horrible weather, so I have hope!

My point is that I believe sponsorship is essential in early days, then morphs into support, and then into mutual support. I have a boss and a dad (still drawing breath down in Florida) and don’t need another. What I need are fellows to share fellowship with, in a deeper sense of the word. And I have that today, I’m grateful for it.

JasonFisher · March 9, 2025, 5:34pm

Thanks for sharing that Dan.

Im reflecting on my “official” sponsors. All three of them.

The first one was my buddy who I turned to for help. We never worked all the steps from the book. His biggest and best role in my recovery was being someone I trusted at the time, and I knew was living sober from being active in AA. He went to a lot of meetings with me. I committed to 90 in 90 and that made me a part of the fellowship.

I found many mentors male and female that i did awesome work with. My buddy was still my “sponsor” I moved away and he ended up relapsing at like nine years. I had been sober for two or three. Here I had mentors… Many good, long term sober people. that was in my previous recovery.

This time I had a temporary sponsor while I was in SLC way out of my comfort zone. He was another example of someone who ended up being good for me at the time, but I quickly saw that he wasn’t what I was looking for as a sponsor. He was easy to ghost when I left SLC.

My latest was 2.5 years ago. I was mind fucking myself and reconnected with AA. I felt like I needed to do more for my recovery. I made some big life changes and figured more support would be good for me. I met this guy at the first meeting I went to. He seemed qualified. After getting to know him, I decided to work the steps with him. He ended up not having what I wanted in my recovery. He was a bullshitter. I keep it real.

Most of my mentors have passed. Some sober, some not…

JasonFisher · March 9, 2025, 7:05pm

In my First long term recovery I followed every suggestion. I did more than was suggested.

90 meeting in 90 days? I did three or four a day.
Sponsor? Got it!
Service work? I will do it all!
Home group? I have three.
12 step recovery groups? Four. AA, CA, NA and MA
We suggest no relationships for a year. ok 1.5

at 5 years four months sober I was spread pretty thin. Thriving business, family and very active in AA. drinking felt so far away that I thought I would never drink again. Stress was starting to pile up on me. I had a lot going on!

This time I have been trying to make my life less demanding. Most of my stress is self created, either my thinking is creating it or circumstances beyond my control are encouraging me to stress out. I have a lot going on. I’ve been managing it better.

I have been struggling with fear of success this year. I noticed it before that. I have been dragging my feet, procrastinating the final steps on many different things. I am crossing that threshold now. It is terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

The no relationship suggestion in my previous recovery. Doing that felt like I had unlocked the cheat code to happy destiny in relationships at the time. In reality I married a bucket of red flags and visa-versa…

This time I was in a bucket of red flag relationship and It was a big factor in me wanting to get sober. I was a blackout drunk and kept doing stupid drunk shit.

In recovery I realized how much of my life I have wasted with the wrong person and I’m doing it different this time…

I have invested my drinking time and beer money into hobbies that are turning into professional status. Finding my way back to art in recovery has had the biggest positive impact on my recovery. I know none of this would be happening if I was still a drunk. Im grateful every day.

This time around I have a better understanding of what a daily reprieve is. Today a drink feels far away.

tailee17 · March 10, 2025, 3:48am

Great post. Fabulous read!

JasonFisher · October 4, 2025, 9:36pm

I keep thinking about updating this thread. I’m very busy. The thought passes and the time keeps flying by.

Its been five years, eleven months since my last drink. I still call it my final drink/ final relapse because I still want it to be.

The first and only other time I had been sober for this long at this time life on lifes terms were starting to hit. and hit HARD! All of my successes were becoming difficult to manage. My business was thriving but I was the only one I could count on to get the work done. I was full blown workaholic. If you got in my way or slowed me down, I got angry. Signing contracts and making money was my drug of choice.

My marriage was stressful. We lost a son, had another on the way. It wasnt planned, but it felt like is was a blessing because it seemed to be helping my wife. It was also terrifying! Everything felt so similar… Work was the only thing I felt I had control of. At the time it was, That would change but I worked constantly…. even at home. I was working…

I was still very active and connected to AA although I wasn’t feeling it like I used to. I had gotten to know the people pretty good and most of them weren’t the people they portray themselves to be inside the rooms. I still went. I did my service work.

I hadnt made any time to mourne the loss of my son. I didnt have any time. I was scared shitless of the new pregnancy, but my wife was doing better so I kept trucking.. I had lots of work and more coming, so my current drug of choice was keeping me going. Workaholism… I was the poster guy!

This time….

I still have workaholic tendencies. I’m always working on something, but its things that I love to do like my YouTube channel and all of my artistic outlets it helps me practice. I’m really proud of it. The photography/filming, editing merch making. its a lot. I do most of the work between fishing trips so I work a lot.

Both of these things I love, and they help me feel alive. Like I’m living life, not just spending time in a meat sack waiting to die like so many people do.

YouTube started because I quit drinking… The cameras were beer money, and editing/photography adventures were to distract me and keep me busy and out of the bars. It still does.

Its evolved into more than that. We donate fish to the food bank. That makes me feel really good and proud. Its good for my recovery…

Fishing makes me feel really good and proud, That’s good for my recovery.

YouTube makes me feel really good and proud… That’s good for my recovery

I’m single and not looking and I love it.

I havent been to a meeting in three years. I still like to listen to AA stuff on YouTube while I edit. I browse the forum almost everyday.

The holidays are here and I still dont like them. I felt a bit of a funk yesterday, but a photo/film session during the sunset last night got me feeling good today.

I felt like I never wanted to be sober for ten years again ever! Then it felt impossible. Now I want it and its possible…

JazzyS · October 5, 2025, 2:00am

WOW! Thanks for sharing this Jason. It is possible and I am watching you do so well in your journey as you put in the daily effort. Pursuing passions and dreams and making your visions come alive. It is all good for your recovery!

6 years is right around the corner friend. Well done on your 71 months of sobriety!

Thanks for sharing your journey. Keep leading the way

WCan · October 5, 2025, 2:09am

Your whole post is totally inspiring, but you really got me at that little bit of sentence… I just got 5 y sober and I sort of start to see when the « feel good » is just a « switching addiction » or something like that. But I still have hard time finding what feels good for myself and which is not related to my addictive tendencies (or obsessive). Maybe « feeling good AND proud » is a good point to check. Being proud.

I can also relate to your fear of success and making art. I am becoming mostly a stay at home dad so no more recognition from work anymore, and no contribution to society outside of my home. Of course this is my choice and I love it ! But I wish I could have the guts to take the couple of hours a week I have in between toddler and newborn to do some art « to feel good and proud », even if it does not become anything else than this - an activities that makes me feels this.

I am pretty sure that having those activities that makes you feel good and proud are really good for your recovery ! It sure looks like you are doing good and I’m happy for you!

SinceIAwoke · October 5, 2025, 10:51am

Hi Jason! An update on our little Plain Language Big Book study group. We are up to 6 men now, from 3 months to 32 years sober. It’s an unofficial meeting, and about once a month we have to cancel due to schedules. We read a page or 3, and then share, from the heart and deeply, for another 60-90 minutes. Best goddamn meeting I’ve ever been part of! Keeping it all men, somewhat by design allows a different level and type of sharing. I consider these men my sponsors.

JasonFisher · October 6, 2025, 4:05am

Nice Dan. I would do a book study meeting if there was one close. And If wasn’t the one to have to get one going and keep it going. I’m glad your meeting is going good.

this one is tricky. There’s a lot of things that sound healthy but can end up being addictions too. Like workaholism The internet is extremely useful, but it can be an unhealthy addiction.

Congrats! This is awesome. The thing that has caused me more pain and suffering was being unable to be a positive influence in my kids life… I was sober when the were removed from my life, and I kept it together for a long time, but the lack of fairness in my situation left a hole inside of me. Its still there. Filling it with booze didn’t work. Letting go of the past is hard, but I have made huge progress there.

Do it! Art keeps my mind busy and happy. Theres always something to learn, new mediums, more advanced techniques, and it makes me feel good. Natural highs!

JasonFisher · October 6, 2025, 4:05am

Thanks @JazzyS Your awesome!

JasonFisher · October 6, 2025, 5:10am

The fear of success thing is still going, but I’m pushing through it.

Im becoming Low Key famous through Youtube. People know my name who I’ve never seen before. Strangers stop me to take selfies with me. People come to the dock to meet us. Its kinda weird to think about how many people know my name. The channel gets a couple million views a month. 147,000 subscribers. I have many regulars viewers in the fishing industry from around the world who watch my livestreams on the regular and the think I am the coolest fisherman out there. I could walk onto boats all over the world and go fishing. They would be honored to have me there. I’ve been making some money on Youtube. I keep investing it.. Fish Tough is becoming a brand. It already is a brand. I keep investing my beer an cigarettes savings into everything. I made a video to enhance our grant application and it worked. We are going to have a licensed, legal fish processing facility built. We started a fishermen’s co-op, our dock sales have been crushing it. people love the watch us catch and come to the dock and buy it from us factor. We will be trucking our fish out too. The sky is the limit! Our internet fan base is global. When our facility is up and running we will be canning the best albacore tuna, fish jerky, even dog treats. There is Fish Tough Tackle too.

I couldn’t have done this drunk. and I cant do it drunk. It took my A-game to get here…the best part of the story is it started with spending my beer money on cameras and something to fill the time I used to spend drinking. That is a huge amount of time to fill. I dont want to ruin that part of the story. I give full credit to recovery for all of this.

This may sound like I’m bragging and maybe I am a little, but I see so many “I got bored and I drank posts”. Just like staying sober none of this was easy. For years YouTube was feeling like a complete waste of time. Like it wasn’t going to ever do anything. I still had that time to fill and I kept making videos.

The bar I used to spend most of my paychecks at is still right across the street. Its open 7 days a week and holidays…

At this time in my previous recovery I felt solid in recovery.

I started this thread to help me remember where I messed up.

I’m way more independent now.

i like that.

TrustyBird · October 6, 2025, 5:18am

Sky’s the limit Jason! Keep killing it sober.

tailee17 · October 19, 2025, 9:13pm

Love your post, Jason. Truly wrote with honest feelings from the heart. So glad you have found an amazing life in sobriety. So glad you stay to share with us.

tailee17 · October 19, 2025, 9:18pm

I was discussing this very thing recently with a friend. I believe you have to keep doing something everyday if not to help another but to help yourself. I love how you said you could walk onto any boat and go fishing. How fun to plan an adventure just doing that. You are welcome on our boat anytime. Do you have any problem with the task of throwing the anchor out and bringing it back up? Haha

JasonFisher · October 19, 2025, 10:35pm

Thanks @tailee I can do anchor duty.

Its a good day to get me back in this thread.

I’m going through some shit today. Its been going on and Its building up.

In a couple weeks I will celebrate 6 years. I know its normal to do a lot of reflecting near milestones, and I have been.

I remember in my previous recovery at six years being Stoked! Six years was sounding like long term recovery to me. I survived losing our son. I stayed sober and we got pregnant again, and my wife was doing really good. The new pregnancy helped. I was signing huge contracts, making bank, My family was awesome. The wife, the kids. The wife was pregnant. We got along great. We celebrated our first anniversary a few months earlier. I felt like all my dreams had come true.

My youngest was born and my wife relapsed. and things went bad really quickly. She was spending faster than I could make it and I was making good money. The best money I have ever made. But it was burning me out. I had acquired lots of new bills with my success. Mortgage, vehicles, the house on the property was under construction, so I had all those bills and the wifes reckless spending was making me feel like I had to work even more. she would bounce 10-15 checks a day, no matter what I tried to do. I gave her plenty of money. The bank called me every day. It was very frustrating. I learned she was doing meth and we were arguing over money and bounced checks and she told me if I didn’t give her more money she would trade her wedding ring for dope.

I took the ring off her finger. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. It happened in front of the kids. I prevented her from trading it for dope, but got me domestic assault charges. because the kids were there. It was a felony charge. I was in deep shit. I didnt know how deep until I got my charges.

I remember this like yesterday. being in jail, wearing my number one dad t-shirt and the cops searching my pockets, finding my six year medallion. It was a fancy one. He asked me about it. I told him I don’t drink or use drugs. he said I hope this doesn’t change that for you.

As my cell closed, I remember thinking this is going to strip me to the bone…. I was right.

This changed everything. I ended up losing my kids. She had all the rights. I fought it with everything I had. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually. it wasnt enough. The system isnt fair. It left me feeling dead inside. But I was sober. I thought I had a solid foundation built for my long term recovery. This cracked it, I didnt know how big those cracks would get.

This recovery has given my my relationship with my kids back. I talked to my oldest today, and he amazes me at how positive and smart he is. He is so good that I feel I don’t deserve him. Im a little resentful at how little I was able to be a daily influence in their life. I feel like her sister stole my kids. (she did) I no longer wish her harm. I did six years ago and beyond.

Nonetheless I’m grateful he is in my life today. My youngest is still a little stand offish. I dont let that eat at me too much. I’m doing the best I can with what I had to work with.

I also am deeply unsatisfied with the decisions my “boss” is making. He calls me his partner but I have no voice in what has been happening and I’m struggling financially because of it. Part of me wants to run and blow everything up as I leave, (I don’t burn bridges when they feel like I don’t want to go back across them I blow them up!) but I have voice of reason tools that I use today and Im a lot less volatile than I was 6 years ago…

I haven’t talked my kid in a few and I called him today. It was the best coversation! Im so proud of him!!

I am stoked to be sober today!

I also put myself out there to do some fishing around the world.

I love the guy I have been fishing with, but I think I’m ready to sail into different opportunities, and I can be polite about it.

tailee17 · October 19, 2025, 11:33pm

I believe in you. Positive you can do anything and be anyone you want to be.

JazzyS · October 19, 2025, 11:39pm

Stoked for you! You have been through the fire and are standing tall my friend. Repairing connections and working on your passions.. keep showing up for yourself.

Wishing you luck with dealing with the boss.

JasonFisher · October 19, 2025, 11:59pm

I learned today the their mom is in trouble for stealing a tractor and selling it. I quit keeping track of all her stuff. For my own sanity.

I know she’s been in a lot of trouble for a lot of different things and I didnt want to ask a bunch of questions. I had a million questions.

He told me that she is paying consequences for her actions and that he wishes her well. I listened without adding any negative comments. I told him that I’m here for him.

That’s challenging. I want to be the she did this and she did that guy. He already knows enough to know.

it made me sad for her, but even more grateful for my recovery.

Dating and meeting people is hard. Dating and meeting in recovery feels good. Its nice to have that common bond. If someone relapses its a nightmare. Especially if your invested and you have kids together. I have avoided that this time.