My second time going five years without a drink. What's different this time?

Milestones
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Thanks @JazzyS Im so excited to go meet up that I had a hard time falling asleep.

Yesterday, I was mad. It was the 3rd beautiful morning in a row that we didn’t fish. three slow fishing days would have paid my rent. Its good fishing this time of year.

I dont facebook anymore. I occasionally check the fishing pages to see what’s going on. Two boats had posts looking for help. I sent them both the same message, then I walked down to a previous employer(trainwreck drunk) He is a money maker and there’s crab around. I could tolerate a season for the money, but he wasn’t there.

This is the message I sent

I’m in Port Orford. I’m not happy with my current gig and seeing what’s out there before I invest into gear work. I’m an excellent box guy, and I have block experience. I’m a highly motivated person who you wont have to babysit. I don’t drink or use and drugs. I have a youtube channel. I can give you a massive social media presence https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwowYrvMC7T-qPl9bFodrCw There is a lot of footage showing my experience. I’m Jason.

I hadn’t seen the boat in the post, and his add was a week old so I wasn’t really expecting to hear back. there were a lot of sarcastic comments about him not being able to keep a crew. Facebook is toxic for arm chair smart asses. He had random U/As in the add and there was lots of smart ass comments about that. Its not a sober industry.

I snooped his profile, saw the boat, and saw that he celebrated 25 years sober in Feb. I also saw some venting posts about tweeker crew guys. Thats why he has a hard time keeping crew…. Zero Tolerance! Perfect!

The add is down. The gig is mine. I just have to go through the formalities and go claim it. The boat holds 90 thousand pounds of crab. Cha-Ching!

Being able to use my channel as a resume is EPIC!! My drinking time investment is paying huge dividends!

Recovery is better than being a trainwreck drunk!

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I think this guy might be qualified to be a sponsor/mentor.

I dont want to marry this boat. I want to finish crab season, Go to the Olympic Penninsula with my boys and take them steelhead fishing. Through my channel I’ve become friends with a guy who has three boats, nine years sober with a 100 percent sober crew. Neah Bay. the tip of the Olympic Peninsula. Id like to hang out there until next crab season.

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I just love your stories Jason. Sobriety is a gift that keeps on giving. Have a great crabbing season friend.

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Thanks Menno! Have an AWESOME day!

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Lol I love it! I’m excited for you

So very true. It’s free for anyone to psit whatever they feel like and most of the crap is garbage. Glad you didn’t let the comments deter you.

Right on! Noe that’s someone you can work with.

It just keeps getting better :blush:

I love this for you!!

:folded_hands:t4::folded_hands:t4::heart::heart:. Keep crushing it my friend…great things await you

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What a crazy couple of days!

Yesterday, he paid me for my work and said he would be in touch. It left me feeling like I was getting blown off.

I had to take the bus to get there and I missed the bus home. I haven’t hitch hiked in a long time. Its 50 miles.

I walked for about five miles with my thumb out and thousands of cars passing me with zero interest in giving me a ride.

My mind was thinking very negatively about everything. My confidence was getting weak. I was craving a cigarette. I saw a pack that was on the road, the cigarettes were scattered and thay looked in pretty good shape. It was tempting!

I did not pick them up. I kept walking.

I started to imagine scary scenarios about getting picked up by a serial killer, or getting picked up and robbed.

Im on Highway 101 and Oregon roads are sketchy. getting ran over crossed my mind.

I was crossing an intersection and a car didn’t see me as he turned left and it almost hit me. He saw me last second and barely missed me. CLOSE CALL!

I had huge anxiety! Anxiety about the job im leaving being mad at me and not being available. Im getting older and a skipper/owner would be more interested in younger guys being on the back deck of a crab boat. My self confidence had gone from the top to the bottom in ten hours.

Then I got picked up. I got a 20 mile ride and it was the coolest guy. We had the best conversation. He offered me a cigarette. I declined. The sunset on the drive was spectacular! It lifted my spirits.

When I got dropped off. I still had 25 miles to go, but my confidence was better. So I stuck my thumb out and started walking. I got to the end of town and it was getting dark. I stayed by a light so I could be seen easier . It was getting cold and I wasnt properly dressed for it. The light I was using was if front of a hotel , so I got a room.

Anxiety was through the roof! Hot bath. Warm bed. I was exhausted.

This morning I heard my phone make a text sound. It was my New captain!

I GOT THE JOB!

I’m so STOKED!!!

The boat it amazing! Its a ship! Biggest, nicest, boat i have ever worked on. The deck feels like a football field.

Ther gear is new. Its the best of the best. This operation has all the signs of being a money maker.

My self confidence is flying high!

Even though the cigarettes were talking to me yesterday. I passed a lot of liquor stores and was not even tempted!

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Congratulations with your new job Jason :tada:

And with the gained confidence :wink: When do you start at the new ship?

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Ive got a few days to get my ducks in a row down here, then I’ll be up in Charleston full time through crab season.

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Ha ha..ducks in a row…that’s a funny way to say it but I understand what you mean :blush: I wish you a good crab season! :oncoming_fist:

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I’ll say - yesterday alone was intense. So grateful that you did not crave alcohol and did not cave to the cigarettes. :pray:

A huge congrats Jason - awesome news on your new job :clap: :hugs:

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Just doing a check in. I’m busy packing, organizing and taking care of business before I head out. I have anxiety, but its mellowed out a bit.

Im going to lean on TS as I walk through this. You the only non-biased recovery feedback I have. im greatful for this place! You have helped me walk through a lot.

I find my mind running with “what if this goes wrong ideas.” Im future tripping. Four years ago, I got the chance to spend time with my sons and teach them how to fly fish. Those days on the water meant everything — watching them cast, learn, and start to love it the same way I do.

My biggest goal in life is to fish with them more often — to share the water, the quiet, and the time together that you can’t get back. I haven’t told anyone about this yet. Except for you and my oldest son. He is STOKED!

I haven’t heard from Phil so i have a lot of “what ifs” to mess with my head.

Solution. Im going to go talk to phil in person at the gear yard this afternoon hoping nobody else will be there and we can have a heart to heart. it helps the anxiety somewhat but the suspense adds.

I have been listening/watching the video of the last time I saw my boys and I taught them how to flyfish. I quit the job working for the the train wreck drunk and I have been struggling since and I haven’t been able to afford to see them since. That’s the number one reason I’m sailing on. That is what I’m daydreaming about the most after crab. Fixing that.

I’m focusing on solution. at every angle.

You can have anything you want, but you get everything that comes with it. This is hard. Life is hard! I keep pushing trudging. The moments of bliss are worth it.

Keep grinding!

Just like getting sober… Its hard and a lot of work. Worth it!

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Awww congratulations :confetti_ball: on your new job man! I’m looking forward to seeing all those big fish :fish: and Crab photos. :crab: I bet you can’t wait to take them fishing :fishing_pole: again. Keep at it you’ll get there. We’re here for you always! I feel the same way about TS, it’s got me past many roadblocks.

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Thanks! I appreciate you!

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It seems so simple but it really is super complex.
Keep talking it out as you make your moves.
This phrase helped me when I read it today.
Thanks Jason. :crab::crab:

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@TrustyBird That was a gem that an old-timer in AA told me at 8 years sober as my life was crumbling apart. It has stuck with me.

I talked to Phil, he had a small paycheck for me.

The guy is a huge ball of stress. As he was talking about all the financial issues he has, and all the issues that hurt us financially this summer. I remembered being in his shoes. My name on the responsible for everything paper. The guy that did all of the footwork to get here and all the circumstances beyond my control making it crumble. I’ve done it a couple of times.

He said if i lose everything and cant do this anymore who will I be? That hit home for me. When there was nothing to build. I lost my identity

The port construction has made it hard. Its an improvement but its brought a lot of new headaches. things I would have never imagined.

We now have OSHA to deal with. This is new. with it there are a ton of new rules. And new expenses to be compliant. And a lot of stress for the dock management and boat owner. How do you ever see everything that comes with what you want.

The world changes fast, Technology feels like its growing faster than ever right now. It makes a more efficient, easier world, but the costs to those who are left to settle in the dust of not relevant anymore are devastating.

People think my fishing videos are AI often. You cant even tell what’s real anymore. That gives me Anxiety. All the stuff happening in Portland and everywhere else gives me anxiety. Politics…. HUGE ANXIETY!

Adding a major change in my life to all the existing anxiety…. *deep breathes* Im so glad I have finally accepted that drinking is not the solution to anything. The fear from my last couple of drunks is still fresh. So is the pain. I hope I never forget.

I think I did last time. I forgot exactly how miserable I was when I got here in 2002.

My previous sobriety date was 1/10 2002 I got sober right after terrifying 9/11 happened. This time I got sober through a terrifying pandemic. The years are going by faster this time.

I feel guilty for moving on. Talking to Phil just validated all the reasons its in my best interests to Crab out of town this year. I like Phil. He is a good, kind, honest man. It hurts to see him suffer. the world needs more people like Phil.

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I’m feeling better today. The anxiety is tolerable. Its shifted more into excitement about what I’m about to step into. I feel bad for leaving Phil. I feel good for having the courage to put my needs before others. I have moved into acceptance.

Its hard to walk away from good things and good people.

One thing very different about this recovery is I have done really good at listening to red flags.

Even though it hurt letting go of Monica and I was surprised how much it hurt when she moved on. Now I feel proud of myself for listening and saving myself a lot of heart ache by trying to make it work. Had I been able to do that with my X wife when the red flags were flying. I would have saved myself a lot of turmoil.

I dislike being co-dependent. I’m proud of myself for being true to myself today.

Isn’t there a coin that says that?:wink:

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Glad to hear that today is better all around. Excited for your next chapter :folded_hands:t4:

I am sure Phil will understand as you are working on enriching your life.

Not sure but there should be :folded_hands:t4::heart:

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My new captain called. He said he would call yesterday, but he didnt and I was glad because I have a lot of work to do.

Then he didn’t call all day today, and I was starting to trip a little. Should I call? Should I wait? Am I getting blown off? I’ve had some anxiety about the rug getting pulled out from under me.

He called.

In the add he said no living on the boat. He didn’t seem like he was going to budge. I’m willing to sleep under the bridge close to the dock if I have to. He asked me if I found a place, and I said not yet. He told me he doesn’t allow live on board, but he gets good vibes from me and offered the boat.

He asked me if I was looking for year round work. I said sure. He told me he makes more fishing shrimp than he does crab. I said sign me up!

I’ve got a lot done. I’m packing and preparing everything for an easy move when the time comes after the crab slows down. It feels AWESOME!

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That’s beautiful. Great to see things lining up and working out

I love it!

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My new boss sounded like Monday would be the day I needed to be there. He did a group text and told us to be there 9am today. I wasn’t expecting that and I had a ton of work to do. So I became super stressed. I prioritized what I need to do and was frantically doing it. The time was going quickly and my stress and anxiety grew.

My brain was flashing back to a previous time that I dropped everything and went for an opportunity of a life time, and how that opportunity ended up being horrible. My pity pot was talking. “Why is life so hard?” “I’m getting to old for this shit” “How do I always end up here” “I’m the hardest working, broke, nothing to show for it person I know” One discouraging thought after another.

I entered impending doom anxiety. Paranoid and frustrated because I was struggling focusing on what I needed to do.

Then another text came through. The heavy rains made him decide Monday was better. WHEW!

I hadn’t eaten so I did.

That helped. I listened to recovery based content. And was able to get back into the groove. I didn’t work late and I got a solid 8 hours of sleep.

I’m feeling pretty good today.

I meditated, and I’m posting here. Breakfast next. Then back to the grind.

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