My silly brain just wants to binge something (TW drug use)

Relapses
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Hey people who decided to read my story,
(Honestly I just blew my nose, first time I hooked on drugs, never even liked stimulants. I was keeping the snow inside my nose for hours after I wrote this, I wasn’t ready getting rid of the taste of it and I didn’t want to post it until I’m completely clean. But now it’s done, I post it so you can see how crazy i am and someone might learn something from it.)

I was diagnosed with ADHD about a month ago, after I’ve had a “final destination” style accident. I thought I was a stress drinker/alcoholic. I was drinking every second day since the lockdowns except for a 11 and a 3 month breaks. I stopped cleaning my apartment and I was just laying in bed. I was drinking a bottle of gin or vodka in long drinks. Sometimes two bottles. I started in the afternoon and drank till 10pm.
Until One day I woke up on the couch and when I stood up, I felt that my body isn’t stable. It was weird, because my head was clear. So I sat down and tried to move my limbs to help the blood flow. I was like “okay, now up and go you alcoholic loser!”
My body was still like I’m walking on a boat or something. I tripped on a paper bag full of bottles and fall onto the other paper bag full of bottles. One broke and it cut my palm and punctured my wrist.
It was about 1cm (0.4”) but it started bleeding, but severely. I said “You have to go to the hospital right f now, boy!) I put on my wrist the first thing I found, a clean pair of boxers. I had to dress up. Blood everywhere.
I’m very lucky, because I live close to the hospital and it turned out the chief of surgery is a hand specialist. The bleeding stopped and my index finger was not moving, the glass cut two tendons and the median nerve.
Operation, hospital 4 days, recovery can be 3 months.
So I went to a psychiatrist to get some kind of diagnosis, so I can start to do something about my problems. Because something is broken in my head: brutal procrastination problem, emotional outbursts, i can’t drive safely, someone talking to me I’m looking at the person but I’m not listening. I’m zoning out, it feels like I’m looking at their face and my brain is looking over his shoulder. Binging literally everything. Spending money like I’m a millionaire.
So adult ADHD. Cool.

So I’m not drinking, but reading about ADHD stories. People talking about self medicating with amphetamine and coke, of course I wanted to know how it feels micro dosing cocaine. Speed is for poor people. (Sarcasm)
I’m also impulsive shopping and it costs a lot.
I bought some and started to put a couple of crumbs into protein capsules. I’m I felt weird and when I say weird I mean NORMAL. Completely in control of my emotions, no bad feelings and negative thoughts. After the first time taking it I cleaned my kitchen with one hand(I can’t use my injured hand for 8 weeks) I was motivated and happy. I used to be anxious about thinking about living my life on my own until I die. That feeling was replaced by motivation to do stuff.
My acquaintance who helped me to get coke wrote to me after a couple of days and told me to try it, at least one line… (it’s acetone washed super clean quality stuff) …so I did one and another one and I didn’t sleep a minute that night.
Next thing I’m doing is buying ten grams, time Is flying and I’m going for another 5 and another five and i just finished the last 10 I bought like three days ago.
So I deleted the dude’s number and I promised myself that I will stay away from the stuff.
Good news is that I’m not craving alcohol at all. But that “sweet” South American sugar. Fml
It’s tricky because it’s clean and after you blow your nose and eat something the next day, you’re perfectly fine. So fine that you’re ready to pick up where you left off yesterday. I have to be honest, It’s a lot of fun. But it’s not life you can live for a long time and I’m glad it’s over.
Yeah, I’m impulsive af, I’ll stick to therapy and legal medicine.
It’s all in the past and I’m determined to take care of myself, because I learned something about myself,

i want to live and be a happy functioning adult finally.

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I was always a blackout drinker, the first time drinking at my first party I drank martini, I grabbed the bottle and drink out half of it. I was thirteen, I have plenty of childhood traumas…
I’m pro in getting sober. lol I usually start binging sports. The longest time I stayed fit and sober was almost two years, I was running half marathons.
The problem is when I feel good, I don’t think that one beer can ruin everything I was working for.
I hope this diagnosis will be a game-changer and the meds will work as well.

Thank You for the positive comment, nobody knows about this. At least nobody who cares about me. They would be very disappointed that I did an another stupid thing right after I almost died….

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Welcome to the community :slightly_smiling_face:
Im glad that your here and safe now, take a good read around to see how others have managed and got through.
You can do this, you dont have to go through that suffering again because you have stopped now, if you need to get the correct help for the drugs you were taking especially if you struggle to stay clean then do that, theres no shame in that many have done it or arent around to wish they did.
You are taking the best step to change your life by stopping, use as much support and help as you can, we all need to do that your not alone.
:slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank You for the kind words.
It’s easy to avoid drugs, it’s almost impossible impossible to avoid being close to alcohol. I haven’t seen drugs in ten years.
I have a pattern when I find something interesting I see on tv or the internet.
I’m intrigued and want to know how it is, I have to. FML
I had to experiment with a couple of other stuff during my college years and most of the time it ended really badly.
It’s not like I want to do anything for long, i just make one stupid decision and things go from 0 to 100, the dopamine hits me and it makes me run amok.
Typical ADHD thinking, I want to do things right and I’m terrified of disappointments, because I will end up having an emotional outburst - it’s putting me under pressure - and there are two possible endings:
1: I don’t do anything and I can chill for a while.
2: I pump myself up with caffe or energy drink, again the dopamine goes up and I’m going “all gas no breaks” until the task is perfectly done.
I’m anxious, sweating and I’m falling apart mentally.
People can disappoint me as well and that’s my trigger 100% of the time. Coworker called in sick ruining my plans, girlfriend buying me a birthday present and it shows that she doesn’t know me at all, breakups, someone is talking behind other people’s back, faking friendship making me open up to abuse my kindness later, people I don’t like forcing me to small talk and the list goes on.
This is how it goes since my mother died, I was twelve and losing her meant losing my motivation/support system.
I think I figured things out pretty good, eventually I’ll be alright. The missing piece of the puzzle was the low dopamine levels, i finally found the problem. Unlike before, now I have a chance to break the cycle. Fixing myself/getting fit and after a couple of disappointing events I’m back at coping with alcohol going every time a little deeper down the rabbit hole.
Amazing therapy session, thanks for giving me the opportunity to work things out. :sweat_smile:

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Things should hopefully turn out better for you, you seem to see where you feel inprovements or change needs to happen and that is a good thing.
I think giving your medication time to work by themselves however your dr has prescribed then for you may be annoying and frustraing at first but these things usually take a bit of time.
I hope today brings you some joy and things are okay :slightly_smiling_face:
Its great your reaching out here keep doing that because it has helped so many of us here in sure it can do so good for you too :blush:

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I will stop bothering you after this long one.

Yeah, I’ll take it slowly with the meds. I’ll wait until I calm down and then food prep/sport/sleeping routine. Grounding exercise when I get upset and eating before going home from work, so I don’t start craving the booze. I became a pro during the last five years…
I dated a girl with severe OCD and it wasn’t a good fit. It was like living with a trigger-machine.
We spent only the weekends together and when I went home Sunday nights, I was upset with her every time (she had a hundred sex related tics) and at the end I couldn’t wait to start drinking when I get home. I bought four-five beers and calmed down in the train.
I broke up with her on the last day of August and magically stopped drinking the next day. I felt free. I started drinking about a year later, coworker made me upset and after work I headed to the grocery store without realizing what’s happening. It’s like an invisible force or a rope that’s pulling me by my chest.
I’m walking without thinking anything (which is weird, because I have a busy mind usually) I’m walking faster and faster, I start to sweat. That brings me back to reality, but my mind already accepted defeat. It’s not really the alcohol my brain is missing, but rather the break that getting drunk gives me.
After the break up I started to dive into MBTI, tried to figuring it out how my head works. I learned some tricks, I used them for a while. I was unable to focus all the time to keep my feelings in control. Mission impossible.
Then I found positive disintegration theory. I found it interesting, but I’m not able to shape my personality. Same problem i can’t concentrate 100% all the time, that makes me tired and upset. That’s also why i don’t like to drive, I have to concentrate 100% or I might kill somebody. (This is the same perfectionism/procrastination problem.)
Then I finally found the roots of all my problems. The last piece of the puzzle. lol

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Your not bothering me at all, its great to connect with people here. We all understand the journey and there are lots of people who can relate and offer support and thats what we all need.
Im not sure if you have see the checking in daily thread, alot of us check in there daily and you will get to meet alot more of us :slightly_smiling_face:
Your not alone now you have us here im glad your with us.

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