Hey people who decided to read my story,
(Honestly I just blew my nose, first time I hooked on drugs, never even liked stimulants. I was keeping the snow inside my nose for hours after I wrote this, I wasn’t ready getting rid of the taste of it and I didn’t want to post it until I’m completely clean. But now it’s done, I post it so you can see how crazy i am and someone might learn something from it.)
I was diagnosed with ADHD about a month ago, after I’ve had a “final destination” style accident. I thought I was a stress drinker/alcoholic. I was drinking every second day since the lockdowns except for a 11 and a 3 month breaks. I stopped cleaning my apartment and I was just laying in bed. I was drinking a bottle of gin or vodka in long drinks. Sometimes two bottles. I started in the afternoon and drank till 10pm.
Until One day I woke up on the couch and when I stood up, I felt that my body isn’t stable. It was weird, because my head was clear. So I sat down and tried to move my limbs to help the blood flow. I was like “okay, now up and go you alcoholic loser!”
My body was still like I’m walking on a boat or something. I tripped on a paper bag full of bottles and fall onto the other paper bag full of bottles. One broke and it cut my palm and punctured my wrist.
It was about 1cm (0.4”) but it started bleeding, but severely. I said “You have to go to the hospital right f now, boy!) I put on my wrist the first thing I found, a clean pair of boxers. I had to dress up. Blood everywhere.
I’m very lucky, because I live close to the hospital and it turned out the chief of surgery is a hand specialist. The bleeding stopped and my index finger was not moving, the glass cut two tendons and the median nerve.
Operation, hospital 4 days, recovery can be 3 months.
So I went to a psychiatrist to get some kind of diagnosis, so I can start to do something about my problems. Because something is broken in my head: brutal procrastination problem, emotional outbursts, i can’t drive safely, someone talking to me I’m looking at the person but I’m not listening. I’m zoning out, it feels like I’m looking at their face and my brain is looking over his shoulder. Binging literally everything. Spending money like I’m a millionaire.
So adult ADHD. Cool.
So I’m not drinking, but reading about ADHD stories. People talking about self medicating with amphetamine and coke, of course I wanted to know how it feels micro dosing cocaine. Speed is for poor people. (Sarcasm)
I’m also impulsive shopping and it costs a lot.
I bought some and started to put a couple of crumbs into protein capsules. I’m I felt weird and when I say weird I mean NORMAL. Completely in control of my emotions, no bad feelings and negative thoughts. After the first time taking it I cleaned my kitchen with one hand(I can’t use my injured hand for 8 weeks) I was motivated and happy. I used to be anxious about thinking about living my life on my own until I die. That feeling was replaced by motivation to do stuff.
My acquaintance who helped me to get coke wrote to me after a couple of days and told me to try it, at least one line… (it’s acetone washed super clean quality stuff) …so I did one and another one and I didn’t sleep a minute that night.
Next thing I’m doing is buying ten grams, time Is flying and I’m going for another 5 and another five and i just finished the last 10 I bought like three days ago.
So I deleted the dude’s number and I promised myself that I will stay away from the stuff.
Good news is that I’m not craving alcohol at all. But that “sweet” South American sugar. Fml
It’s tricky because it’s clean and after you blow your nose and eat something the next day, you’re perfectly fine. So fine that you’re ready to pick up where you left off yesterday. I have to be honest, It’s a lot of fun. But it’s not life you can live for a long time and I’m glad it’s over.
Yeah, I’m impulsive af, I’ll stick to therapy and legal medicine.
It’s all in the past and I’m determined to take care of myself, because I learned something about myself,
i want to live and be a happy functioning adult finally.