I’m sad. I need support, if anyone even wants to read all this or care. This is such a messy story. Last week, the woman my child’s father was messing with for 2 years after I left him, contacted me in a rage to let me know that she is going to file charges against him for domestic violence he committed against her a year ago. He’s already on probation for a gun charge (not having a license), so doing this could quite possibly revoke his probation and send him to jail for many years. It turns out she is batshit crazy and the assault was more of a consensual BDSM type of sick mutual violence. She was mad about him leaving her and wanted to get back at him. She’s admitted this. But it’s too late because she filed the charges and even called his PO. The thing is, I was cheering her on! I got caught up in her story and my own anger about his bad choices that have affected my life and my son’s life. So I was like “yeah! Women scorned unite! Bring the heat!” I became fixated in the negativity, spitefulness and vengeance she was raging about. I felt a twisted allyship with her. But now I regret ever even talking to this crazy lady!!! I’m not a spiteful or vengeful person!! My heart loves. I forgive. I want the best for everyone. But I was influenced by her anger, as it brought up my own feelings of disgust against my child’s father for being a big ol dummy.
The truth is he was doing better and trying to get himself out of the Midwest and when his probation ended next month he wanted to come out here to be with his son. Now he’s facing up to 10 years!!! Yeah the guy is an idiot and he makes terrible choices but he doesn’t deserve that. I’m filled with regret for cheering her on about filing these charges, especially calling his PO. I don’t know if she was gonna do it without my support or not, but I still feel partially responsible for playing a role in it as her ally for those 3 days that it all came to a head this past week. Now she’s saying she wish she never did it but there’s nothing she can do because it’s up to the state to prosecute him now. I’m so sad. That’s my child’s father. My kid loves his dad. His dad loves our son, but he got caught up in this disgusting mess with this insane person due to his own trauma, addictions and mental health issues. And I’m in the middle of it. I’ve been chain smoking thru this entire week and I just feel like, so fuckin bad.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I know how deeply you love your son and how much you want the best for him; and I know how transcendent your mindset is, in your music and also in your emotions - you are one whose emotions and whose experiences don’t follow a shallow script; they are deep and diverse and rich.
At some point your son is going to have to take conscious stock of what exactly he is, in relation to his father. You are his mother, and his father will always be his father, and he will have to take stock of what that means for him. He will need time and emotional space to do that, with your guidance and with the guidance of positive mentors (including specifically male mentors).
One benefit of his father being in prison is he’ll always know where he is. He’ll be able to develop a relationship with him through correspondence and visits. Being in prison is no fairy tale but it is a commitment to stay in one place for a while.
I am in my 40s and just coming to the realization of the important role my father has played, psychologically, in who I am today. I wish I had developed my understanding of this much sooner (though I may not have had the maturity then, that I do now).
At this point there isn’t much you can do about the process of this, but you could reach out to a lawyer and ask for some advice about what the next steps might be, so at least you know.
I’m so sorry about this. I can only imagine how hard it is for you
Thank you all SO MUCH for these replies.
I’ve been going thru this all by myself between the two of these folks and I’m so glad I reached out here I already feel better having support from the outside
I’m really grateful that you are sober when you are dealing with this mess. Even if you made some choices that you regret with your level of involvement, you are able to rectify your mistakes because you are sober. You are a great mom to your son. No need to beat yourself up over this at all, you are doing the best you can with what you have. Reaching out just to express yourself is so important in these situations.
And even if you don’t know what it’s going to look like, I know everything is gonna be alright.
Thanks you guys. I’m throwing my hands up now and I’m just gonna go back to what I was doing, my most important work, raising Elijah and building our life with my bare hands. I can’t afford to be involved with something that doesn’t even involve me. I’ve cried enough over this and I have to move on now. And stop smoking these cigs cuz I honestly quit like 9 months ago but like I said I been chain smoking and I hate it. Thankfully I didn’t pick up a drink and I’m still going strong on that!!! This has been so distressing but it won’t break me only make me stronger in my conviction to protect my energy and stay approaching life from my heart space. Open heart, strong spine, mind wisened, eyes widened. I love you all
I am coming late to your thread, but it sounds like you are feeling better and know that this is not your issue. Wise!! You are a good and loving Mom. Glad you are feeling better.
I know how easy it is to get wrapped up with the negative talk especially when you have first hand experience with the situation. I would not beat yourself up over this. You did not file the charges or talk to his PO. This whole situation seems very messy and I am sorry that you are being dragged into it. I do hope that your son’s father does not get jail time over this as it was a mutual thing. If you do want to help maybe talking to the PO directly or sending a letter would show a different side to the story than what his ex is saying.
You are doing so well with your sobriety. I am sorry this situation had you picking up cigarettes again… not too late to give them up again. You can start with day 1 today.
I see you are feeling better and going to quit smoking - glad to hear that. Sending hugs and love your way. glad you were able to come and share with us
