My spouse wants to go back to drinking alcohol after 8 years of sobriety. I have never been a fan of alcohol, however, she is. She comes from a Catholic family which believe in a little alcohol never hurt nobody. I am afraid that our differences are slowly tearing us apart.
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What were the reasons she stopped in the first place?
If like most alcoholics itās the usual horror story then she needs to be clear that as soon as she picks up that life is still there waiting for her.
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She really needed to, we became parents at a relatively young age. She was still living under her parents roof living with really no responsibility until I came along. She had a child at 20 and I had a child a 22 coming into the relationship. I told her I wasnāt interested in the alcohol/bar lifestyle she was living. We got pregnant with a child of our own really quickly as well. She made the choice to quit and be with me. Long story short. I feel she regrets that and feels like she is missing out.
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Well Iām of no help to you Iām afraid bc having kids of my own who have now grown up 20 years of sacrifices is part of being a good parent, having new memories which include the family and finally after all that time my partner and I get some free time together. No drink or drugs just mini breaks away and concerts etc.
There is a life out there that doesnāt have to include alcoholā¦
Never thought I would hear myself say that 
.
As parents we do still need a bit of me time now and again so if alcohol isnāt going to turn life to shit for all of you give some space while you have the kids for the night. If drinking never ends well then a gentle reminder of how life used to be might be needed.
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BTW Iāve just read that back and I made no sacrifice for 20 years, I was a drunk and an addict and to call myself a father is stretching the imagination to the limit.
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Should be enough.
Our relationship has been through so much in the last 16years, financial hardships, emotional affairs (on her end), like I really donāt want to introduce any other variables that can make things worse.
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You can and should certainty set your boundaries, but she is ultimately the one who controls her life. I drank really heavy for a couple decadesā¦ had a fun about 5% of that time. Pretty poor investment of money and time.
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Unfortunately itās because of the advertising, the adverts create this idea that alcohol is glitzy, fun, a great lifestyle choice and a sign of wealth and prosperity. I mean even just look at the bottles.
Cigarettes used to be the same, they were seen as a status symbol and as a cool thing to do and sophisticated.
The thing is both of them are poisonous for our bodies. Alcohol is now linked to seven different types of cancer. The recommended āsafeā limits are so low that itās not even worth it for the risk of addiction.
This fomo this is such rubbish and just a sign that our basic human brains are so easily convinced by adverts also people promote it themselves on social media, you just see the glam photo of them sat next to the drink, you donāt get to hear the slurred conversation or sloppy behaviour.
I hope this helps
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It sounds like she didnt do it for herself and thats where the issue lies
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Did she have a drinking problem or did you talk her into quitting because thatās what you wanted?
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She was very young when you met and became a family, and you seem quite hard on the person she was. It sounds like she gave up drinking because you asked her to so she may be questioning that as she has aged and matured. In what way was her drinking a problem? Was it the lifestyle that you had an issue with?
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She was skipping classes to sit at the bar and drink all afternoon while her parents would take care of her child. The driving and not remembering things. Yeah, I gave her the choice of that lifestyle or a relationship with me. I wasnāt trying to control her choices I was giving her the control to choose her choice.
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I am someone who doesnāt have an addictive personality, itās hard for me to process the ideas of addiction. While I understand that itās a really real thing, I just donāt understand how. My adoptive father was a functioning alcoholic, he left all the parental responsibilities to my mother. I knew right then alcohol was not something I needed in my life. I like/need to be in control of MY every thought feeling and emotion. I never want to make decisions or judgement calls under the influence of a controlled substance.
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I believe it was a drinking problem. When you neglect your responsibilities and drown your conscience in the bottom of a glass. I would consider that a bad problem.
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Thatās what I thought as well. I am getting to the point now that our children are getting older, and Iām so scared from her past indiscretions that Iām just gonna let whatever happens happen. My wife has been very impulsive our whole relationship, her entire life. She will do things without having a explanation to why she does/did them, a thought pops in her head and itās āI gotta do thatā. Like, having the emotional affairs, mind you they were always with the same person, however, she never has a reason to why she engages them or why itās so hard to cut them off. Yes, he and that person had a previous relationship that was very short lived toxic and not to mention long distance with its own set of infidelity issues. If someone has this issue sober I couldnāt imagine to heights in which it could possibly go to under the influence.
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I get so annoyed seeing every social media post where people feel the need to have their alcoholic prop to take a photo. Itās so annoying.
Iām sorry about everything youāve been through, it sounds like a lot. Is your wife open to the idea of therapy? I used to have this texting exes habit and terrible impulse control, but it would only happen while I was very drunk. Thatās no excuse, and it did hurt my husband and I plan on spending the rest of my life making it up to him. It stopped with sobriety coupled with years of mental health treatment and working on my underlying issues.
Sadly, if your wife chooses to go back to drinking, you can only control your reaction to it. Thereās a very supportive thread here for people with loved ones who are still caught in their addiction. It might be worth a read.
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That makes total sense, and I am sorry for all that you have faced. I understand it must be completely baffling to you if you donāt have an addiction. My husband is the same, barely drinks and if he does overindulge does the normal thing of going off alcohol for a while.
I recognise some of your wifeās behaviour in my younger self although luckily no children involved until I was older and more āsensibleā. Has she started drinking again yet? Do you think she would be open to therapy or AA, or even coming here? Although I wouldnāt want you to lose your support as that thread Amy linked is very good.
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No, she hasnāt begun drinking yet. Right now itās just a sore subject or topic. Our new social circle has made her miss the option of the Adult beverage. She will never go to counseling, for drinking or our relationship issues. We are in the space of its ok for her but not on for me.
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