Editing because I can’t delete and was worried about the level of detail in this original post.
6 months in, I’m feeling much better but still working at it every day. Thanks for the support everyone.
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We were seeing one after the last time this happened and then we stopped. We will likely go back if he’s willing to work things out. I see an individual counselor as well.
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Whoa. I know that pain and I feel your pain.
And I am amazed that you still have courage to move on and do what you can to fix your wrongs.
One day at a time, you will make it and have some sanity
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In my experience, marriage counseling Works only after each one of the spouses work on themselves separately besides working on the marriage
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Thank you for sharing. I have a somewhat similar story to your own. The things we’re told about ourselves when we’re young seem to become self fulfilling prophesies.
To work on my sex addiction, I’ve committed to doing a meeting (SA) a week, ongoing work with a counselor (my wife comes to half of them), found a great sponsor who I spend time with one-on-one about twice a month, open everyday in prayer, and I get myself into this app daily.
Even with that, I still struggle somedays. The first time my wife and I went through this we both tried to “get past it” and “get back to where we were before”. But that meant pretending it never happened. Now we’re working on learning from what happened and trying to find a new and better place together.
It sounds like your husband really loves you. You mention that he’s having trouble believing that you’re making a change, so show him. Put in the work. Get to some meetings. Show him that sobriety is a priority. I hope you two are able to work things out. Thank you again for sharing and joining us here.
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Thanks so much for the reply!
My husband is very much opposed to me attending SA meetings and I can definitely understand that.
Currently, I am listening to an audiobook that is called breaking the cycle and I ordered a few more.
I think the idea of learning from what happened instead of going back to how it was before is very empowering, thank you for sharing that.
My husband is not certain he can stay in this relationship which kills me, and as anxiety and stress are triggers, I’m sure you can imagine how my day is going.
I’d usually pick up my phone and engage in something I shouldn’t, but I am here typing about this instead.
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I get it, I will share with you the wisdom my sponsor shared with me. We can’t control what or spouses decide to do. The question to ask right now when you’re feeling triggered is whether acting out will increase the odds of him staying. We both know the answer to that one. Choose sobriety today, just for today, and tomorrow you can decide whether or not to stay sober when it comes.
I understand why your husband might be opposed to meetings. If it was a women only meeting would he be open to it? Those are harder to find but they’re out there. In my area, more women attend SAA than SA, and I think there may be a women only phone meeting in SA.
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I think he would be more open to a meeting with all or mostly women. He has a very different history than me and I think he thinks of SA/SAA meetings as a bunch of heathens hanging out exchanging stories. So I think he and I can work on that perception. A more genuine concern for me is that I am a survivor of rape and abuse and I’ve read a bit about groups being welcoming to offenders which I totally understand but I think it may be hard for me.
And that’s a very valid thought about how we can’t control what our spouses choose to do, but we can control what we choose to do when triggered. I’ll keep that one close, thank you.
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Yes, groups are welcoming to offenders and I understand that would very hard for you. Not being I victim of rape myself, I can’t relate to the struggle you are facing. I know you won’t be the only one in that position though and I think I’ve seen others post about it before here too. I would suggest talking through it with your councilor to choose the best course of action. A would probably advise against meetings with a lot of men though, at least at first.
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MissJ, you’re in the right place! You can get help and get free! Don’t you ever give up! Thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest! I wish you a wonderful day and may you get all the help you need! I’m no marriage counsellor or sex therapist, but I know one thing! My God can help anyone, even someone as rotten as me!
My heart goes out to you today as my wife and I are in a similar situation with similar causes. We are currently living separately and she is not sure we can be together again; the trauma may be too much. It has been 3 months since she moved out, 6 since we were sleeping in separate rooms. Since the beginning of our separation I have committed to my recovery, I’m seeing a therapist once a week and attending meetings up to 3 times a week but at least once a week. I noticed that it may not work for meetings in your area but there are phone and internet meetings. I kept relapsing until I found the cause. I was so stricken with anxiety about a major problem I was unable to admit I had to deal with. I ignored it, pretended it wasn’t there and used denial to cover it up but in the back of my mind it was always always there telling me I’m a piece of garbage, I’m worthless and who cares if I act out?
Then I found this app, then I found this forum and started really dealing with my shit. I talked to my therapist about my problem that I kept hidden from everyone and she helped me through it. I shared my story on here and I was only shown support. The days keep coming and my wife and I still don’t know what’s going to happen between us but I know that whatever happens, I will be okay because I am really focused on being a better person every single day. I am not my past, I am not the hurt child I once was and I can treat myself today the way I should have been treated as a child: with love and compassion. I have that choice.
Some books that helped me understand me:
Out of the Shadows- Patrick Carnes
Codependent No More- Melody Beattie
The 4 agreements- Don Miguel Ruiz
How We Love- Milan & Kay Yerkovich
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I have lived a good part of my life feeling that way. Glad we’ve have both acknowledged that as a lie and can work on shedding it. I bookmarked your post so I can easily find those titles again, if something has helped you, I think there’s a good chance it will help me too. 
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I had a really hard day recovery wise yesterday and was trying to connect with my husband and knew I wasn’t making sense. I was so happy to see these replies and to be reminded I’m not alone on this journey.
The staying apart/together/waiting and seeing is so hard, and I’ll be thinking of you! My husband told me shortly after I joined this community that he didn’t feel love when he looked at me at that point. I was actually really proud of myself for my response; we started researching divorce together and I didn’t act out. I asked him if he wanted to come to an apartment showing with me (so he could give his opinion, which I still value) and something just snapped for him and he asked me to stay and work through it. So that’s what we are doing for now. Of course it’s all riding on my recovery. I hope you and your wife find a path forward that works for both of you.
My current struggle is realizing how messed up my thoughts are and how sometimes they are in my childhood abusers voice. I am in individual therapy and started doing a phone based SAA group, but it’s the quiet and stressful moments that are the most difficult.
I felt so valued and loved when I was acting out; choosing not to act out is sometimes actively choosing to continue to feel badly about myself in the present but I know it will make the future better. My husband will never look at me the way my last partner did and that realization is hard-but my husband looks at me with such a genuine love that it’s like he’s speaking another language; I’m beyond blessed and I’m working to learn how to connect with him and his super healthy self concept.
One thing that really helped us is that we found a faith community that’s a good fit for now. If you’re not into organized religion, maybe try a meditation group or even reading the same book so you can talk about it. Finding shared meaningful moments really allowed us the change to connect.
Thank you for the book suggestions, I’m researching them now!
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I know the feeling of my last partner made me feel differently. I thought that sex was the way of measuring myself and my value and she validated that. She told me all the things I wanted to hear so I would feel appreciated and “loved”. But I couldn’t stand to be around her when it wasn’t sexual. She used me and I wanted to be used and it wasn’t until I started to believe that I deserve actual love, and that I’m capable of loving myself by showing myself gentleness and compassion that I let her go. I realize that there was no love there and I desperately need real love.
When you said “read the same book together” I thought, “I keep trying to get her to read the book I’m reading but she won’t do it”. Hello?? Couldn’t I just as easily ask her what she is reading and read that instead?!? Haha having breakthroughs over here. I’m gonna text her right now. Thank you!
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I really like that thinking, how did asking her what she’s reading go? No pressure to share, obvs.
And yesss to past partners telling you what you wanted to hear. I go back and forth between believing they genuinely cared for me and believing they wanted the frosting without the cake and would tell me what I wanted to hear to get that. But in any case, they’re gone from my life and that’s positive 
I asked her what she’s reading and she told me she’s reading “You are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. Her S-Anon friend gave it to her on her birthday in April. I had the day off yesterday so I picked it up at B&N and started reading. I got halfway through! It’s a really powerful book for one with an open mind and a willingness to change.
I was thinking of you when I bought it because I don’t think that ever would have clicked if you hadn’t suggested it. She’s impressed that I’m reading it and I’m glad I am because it just what I need to read. So thank you thank you. 
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Yay! I’m so happy to hear that! Funny enough, I’m about halfway through You are a badass, I kind of forgot about it so I’ll have to pick it up again. I tend to put books down and forget about them so thanks for the reminder!
I would do the same thing, set a book down before I finished! There was always some video game to play or show or movie to watch. I think I didn’t want to get to the end because then I might have some answers and I didn’t want answers, I wanted to keep going the way I was going. I’m pretty tired of going that way.
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