Hi! I’m Neal, and I’m a recovering sex and love addict. I downloaded this app about a week ago, and I’m grateful to read all the messages. I thought I’d introduce myself and share my story. I started recovery in 2000 and I’ve had sobriety off and on over the years. I’m now sober from all of my bottom line acting out since February 13, 2013.
Porn and masturbation is where it has started for my addiction, and then it has escalated to alcohol, drugs, strip clubs, casual hookups through dating apps, massage parlors, and escorts. I’ve lost two marriages and to my addiction, and my last relapse also took $250K, my house, my business, my cars, and custody of my two sons. Because of my addiction, I have a felony conviction at 20 years old that forced me to drop out of college.
I endured physical, sexual, and emotional abuse growing up, and I was introduced to sex at a very early age. I witnessed violent fist fights between my parents as well as my father sexually abusing my half-sister when I was really young. I discovered that porn and sexual fantasy provided an escape from all the shame, loneliness and chaos in the real world.
I finally escaped most of the family craziness as an adult, but I couldn’t escape the feelings of shame, anger, and loneliness that created big spaces in me. I felt immense emotional pain and loneliness, and I just wanted to feel nothing. Porn filled those spaces and took away the pain and loneliness temporarily, but the more I looked at porn, the shorter the effect.
So for this last relapse, I graduated to more risky behaviors until I was spending up to $1000 a day on alcohol, drugs, hotels for hookups and paying exotic dancers, massage parlors and escorts. I was juggling multiple girlfriends and sex workers while trying to be a husband and father.
Once I went to a meeting, I knew that I wasn’t alone, but I thought I could do it by myself. After this last relapse, I knew that I didn’t have many do overs left, and I was heading towards jail or death. I was so angry at my Higher Power because of how I grew up, and now I had to turn my will and life over to the same one?
I decided to complete the 12 steps with a sponsor and see what happens. If I still didn’t get any sobriety by the end of step 12, I figured all I’d lost was time. So I gave my Higher Power two middle fingers and turned my addiction over.
6 years, 2 months, and 16 days later, I still haven’t masturbated with porn, haven’t had any casual sexual encounters, I don’t juggle multiple relationships, and I haven’t visited any strip clubs, massage parlors, and escorts. I found the courage to go back to school and finished my Bachelor’s in Business Management, and I was inducted into an academic honor society. I’m 5 classes away from finishing my Master’s degree. I’m in a 4+ year relationship with a wonderful, beautiful woman, and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I volunteer through the honor society for community outreach. None of this would have happened without sobriety.
I try to do something recovery-related every day. I read something daily out of the either the Big Book, the Green Book (SAA), Hope and Recovery, Answers in the Heart, or the SLAA basic text. I use this app to read about others’ experience, strength & hope. I have several sponsees and I write letters to prisoners to carry the message. I started my own face to face meeting and I serve on the area intergroup committee.
My recovery and life isn’t perfect, and I still have challenges financially. My past addictive behavior is also making it immensely difficult for me to regain custody of my sons. I still grapple sometimes with understanding my Higher Power’s will. I still make mistakes; many times they’re honest mistakes, but sometimes I say or do the wrong things due to my character defects.
I figured out that my recovery and life don’t have to be perfect for me to enjoy sobriety. Despite that, the difference is I’m not adding to my challenges by acting out. As the Big Book says, I no longer fear economic insecurity, and I intuitively know how to handle many things (but not everything and that’s okay) that used to baffle me.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thanks to this community for giving me the opportunity to read, share and participate. I’m grateful for the daily reprieve, and I’m grateful for the space to share.
