Hi folk,
Hitting 200 full sobriety in a day so I thought heck let’s write up my story up to date.
The drugfacts: been using my DOC 20 years, binged on the socially more accepted stuff on occasion bi weekly I guess.
My life changed when I became a father. The relationship with his mom didn’t survive my addiction and her personal issues. Together we were and still are toxic as can be.
So one day I found myself standing over her at the brink of lashing out. I got to my senses turned around and left my home.
That was the end of it and the beginning of my spiral from “moderate user” to “acknowledged addict”
My using started to increase hand in hand with drinking in the beginning. I don’t really like the buzz of alcohol so soon I was back to mainly my DOC being cannabis.
I started a new job September 2018 since I was not happy in the one I was in (so I thought) this new job combined with my addiction and the ended relationship drained the last bit of selflove and selfworth I had left after all the years of manipulation dishonesty faking lying and immorality.
In December I layed a hotel in London at Kings cross should be over the moon right… Free trip to London got to see the gunners beat Tottenham boxseats. Let’s say my socials were hitting likes like there’s no Tommorow. But I was spent. Felt horrible going into the headquarters of a soulless company and I realized we’re I was at in my life. Depression. I flew home sunday and Monday I called in sick.
Asked for help, but since I was a user regular treatment wasn’t available until I got sober, that got me so angry. “How can i quit using if I feel this bad” well… My response was to use even more I bought a brick of a 100 grams from someone and that was it my usage doubled and then trippled in no time since supply was not an issue my addiction won.
My rock bottom came when I found myself standing in the backyard smoking a spliff and my son sitting in his baby chair DADDDDDD were are you. “I am cleaning, be there in a bit” I lied, my conviction was that if I wasn’t stoned ENOUGH when I would out him to bed he wouldn’t sleep well and I don’t want that for a toddler right… Don’t even believe that the only reason I wanted him to sleep well… So I could use without any interference.
So then I accepted the fact I was an addict and I had gotten as low as I could go. Did I get clean? No… I kept using for at least another 8 weeks.
Then I came clean to a company paid therapist. And she was kind and understanding and reffered me to a book and a person. Reading up on that person I found a clinical treatment that felt like I would fit… Again kept using for another month before I called the clinic and said.
I am scared but I need help. The warmth love and care I received convinced me that I belonged there and that this place would be the start of my sober life.
Again it took about 8 weeks before I got the treatment planned. My addiction was smart and almost made me back out.
My sister looked at me “Mario, do you really want this really, really want this” and I cried and surrendered. She outnin all the works to get the family around me to help take care of my son while I was in treatment.
And we managed. Then the dat was set 12 August 2019 you start. (getting goosebumps right now)
I had to be clean one week before so I decided to take a plane to the canaries. On the 3d of August I smoked my last joint in the trainstation before heading to the airport… I used every last minute I could to use.
That first week I did drink, I conveniently hadn’t grasped that drinking was also not allowed when in treatment so Sunday the 11th on my nieces birthday celebration I drank my last heineken.
Treament was 10 days. I learned all I could on addiction and they used a lot off reflection tools. The most important was the brain chemistry thing for me (dopamine) getting an understanding of how long it would take my brain to recover made me see… Using is not on the table if I want to be a better me a better father and one day be a healthy partner to a lovely lady.
Next to that I got a slight hint of what the 12 steps could meen to me. I flinched at the word GOD, but I accepted that it was God as I see fit.
I determined my higher power to be Energy in general since I had allready experiences with how energy influences the masses and the individual.
I went to my first meeting and walked out with a sore back… I couldn’t carry the load of being that fucked up… The day after I had a falling out with my councelor (he triggered it) and that made me see… I am just as worse as any off us.
We have an incurable disease and if you don’t treat it… It will take everything from me including my life.
I went to another meeting 5 days later. And since then I visit 2 meetings a week always.
1 week I (my ego) decided I can skip one and follow my immorality towards a woman… I ended up 20 meters away from a coffeeshop… My phone rang, Mom calling; are you okay son?
And that point in time steadied my belief in that there I a power greater then me that can get me healthy again.
So after 90 days visiting meetings I found this guy never seen him before at "my"meeting.
I found him annoying at first and I said it to him. His reply was I don’t give a fuck I can only change me. You should look out for you. And I thought mmmm weirdo. But then he shared. He spoke straight through me and I knew… Thisnguy came her for a reason and the reason is myle to ask him.
And now 109 days later I finished step 6 yesterday I am clean and sober I am growing spiritually and using is miles away…Today.
I keep in mind I could relapse tomorrow but only if I stop caring for myself and don’t work my self love. And do immoral things.
This is my story.
Its huge!
