My story (apologies if I ramble)
… I had an absolute melt down at work on Friday and binged all the way through until early hours of Sunday morning; considered ending it all. I took all my anti depressants, some paracetamol and drank a litre bottle of rum at around 11pm on Saturday night. I remember waking at around 2am angry I was still alive and wondered how I could get that wrong too. And then I woke again at 5am and knew it had to change. And I don’t know what light bulb moment it was, but for me, it’s totally different this time.
I’ve had days in the past where I said ‘no more drinking today’ and I’d get to 2 days and I’d make excuses for myself or ‘I’ll just have 1’ but I never could just have 1.
Turns out, I am an alcoholic. I might not drink from brown bottles in the park etc - from the outside I’m a well presented mum of two and a wife… but truth is, deep down, I’ve known for so long that alcohol controlled me.
When I watch tv and see people with a glass of wine, part of me is envious - but I accept that I am not programmed to be able to cope with having just one glass.
I have to abstain.
I’ve been checking in to this group daily and it’s such an eye opener to see we’re not alone; so many of us have similar stories.
I lost my mum very suddenly 4 years ago and I used alcohol to mask my pain… I even had red wine the morning of her funeral and stumbled about the wake in a mess. From then on, I’d drink bottles of wine in secret - go out for meals with my friend and drink so much I didn’t know how I got home. I’d go to work with the worst hangover. When lockdown started, I starting decanting bottles of wine in 2 litre water bottles and hiding them and would keep drinking from them throughout the day when I was working from home… I started buying boxes of wine which contained 3 bottles and I could do those in just over a day… (bear in mind I’m small - 5ft)
My kids would see me buy wine when we went shopping and I’d ask them not to tell daddy I bought it… I’d hide empty bottles in public bins… it was a vicious and horrible cycle.
I won’t, and can’t go back there.
I’m happy for any messages - anytime - if I can be a support - because I know that I also need all the support I can get
Hey Claire.
Nice to meet you. I seen you around just a bit. I was also a very well presented alcoholic. Never lost a job. Kept the family together. Thought I was controlling my booze pretty good for many many years. Boy was I wrong. It’s so freeing to stop. No planning when your next drink is. Or hiding it. Or wondering if you can drive.
Thanks to TS and all the wonderful support here I got 525 days now sober. And it feels great. I start every day on the gratitude thread. Daily Gratitude List #2
I got so much to be grateful for now that I’m sober. My kids. My wife. My pets. And so much more. It’s a great way to set your mind straight for the day ahead. Or even close that way. You are so worth all the benefits sobriety has to offer. And I know those children certainly are. Stick with us. Post and read and join in when your willing.
Congratulations on being sober this week. And if you got to ramble. Go ahead and ramble. Your probably helping someone else and don’t even know it.
As you can see I’m a rambler too.
Truthfully though I didn’t think you were rambling. Great share.
Hope to see you around.
Welcome, Claire. Nope, not a ramble I hear a lady whose sick & tired of being sick & tired. So, you’re in the right place and you get to change your entire way of doing things, wake up feeling refreshed and be happy to boot! In time, of course.
I could ramble but I should let others chime in too. So glad you’re here!
In recovery I hear phrases that hit me hard with the truth.
One of those phrases was the illusion of functionality. I hid behind that illusion for a long time.
I was also tempted to take my own life.
I hadn’t ever lost a job due to drinking. I cant say It never effected my job. I’m good at whatever I’m doing and not easily replaced. I sometimes pushed it to the limits. It gave me a false sense of control.
I’m so grateful I didn’t succeed at killing myself. That ends functioning alcoholism quickly.
I’m glad you didn’t either!
Even though I managed to function at work. I quit functioning in almost every other part of my life. Life had lost its spark. I quit doing a lot of things I used to enjoy. In recovery I’ve started doing those again and more. The spark is back.
I’m glad you found your way here! Thanks for sharing!
Claire, your story made me cry. I can relate in soooo many ways. I was so stuck, I would make promises to myself that I wouldn’t drink again and within 24-48 hours I was right back there at the fridge, filling up a glass (pint glass) with wine. Alcohol is a bastard! The addict voice in our heads will try anything to get us to go back. I never thought I could break free. But I did! You will too! I changed my environment, moved furniture, got rid of all booze and wine glasses, bottle openers etc. I made the room that I sat and drank in every night different and it really helped me. A lovely fella on here said to me in the beginning after I relapsed the final time, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! I felt this to my core. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m so glad you didn’t end your life that night. You have a bigger purpose my friend, god is not done with you yet. I wish you all the best!
