I’d like to share my story of how me and alcohol became pals. I grew up in good old moosonee. Growing up my teen years id had always been the good boy staying home when majority of my friends be out partying every other weekend. I remember telling my dad im not going to drink. I wanted to do good as I saw how my parents changed their lives when they quit drinking.
At the age of 18 I started to feel I had more control of my own individual decisions. Near the end of the high-school year I was playing some poker with few close buddies of mine. I won the game 80 dollars in my pocket woooo. One of my buddies suggested I get a case of beer from bootleggers with my winnings. I had little bit of hesitation but I was curious what it would feel like. It was my sisters birthday that night and she was at the dance. So I decided maybe I’ll try it out. Sure enough after 3 or 4 beers I started feeling good and liked the feeling. My sister brought home a party and I found myself being very social and confident with everyone. I liked it because I was always the shy type. It was a fun night minus the puking and hangover. My first time drinking and I was already over indulging. After that night I stopped until next month which was graduation night and from that night forth it was everyweekend all summer long.
College time came around. I was able to slow down on the drinking every weekend. Focused on my first year of school passing my first year of social work program. Then end of April came around I was done first year heading back home. Soon as I got home I was 19 now legal to party lol. The weekend thing became a thing again. Hitting up all the dances being the star dancer I am lol. I met someone that summer it was fun at the start. I learned how to day drink and have fixers that summer lol. Summer ended it was time for 2nd year of social work. My mind wasn’t in it anymore I felt ashamed as I i knew I became a heavy drinker that summer. How am I suppose to help other people in this field when im out here drinking everyweekend myself. I was in a on and off relationship with my first gf. I ended up quiting school. Working odd jobs over the next yr. Heavily drinking still. Got introduced to the elusive party drug cocaine. The relationship didn’t last it wasn’t meant to be with alcohol involved. Wasnt real.
Next phase in life 21-24 im single. Making my own decisions. Having a blast partying it up. It was in these years I got little more into the white stuff. Halfers lasted a night. Over time I was buying 8 balls binge drinkin 3-4 days. Had a good carpentry camp job to back me up i had lots of money to spend. No worries. I always had in the back in my mind though I did have a problem but my addictive mind always convinced me other wise.
Later on when I was 24 I was in north bay at a club where I met my ex wife. We were just friends for awhile at first den 6 months down the road we started dating. I gave up the use of cocaine to be in her and her kids lives. I slowed down on my drinking to once a month or every 2 months. There was even a time i quit for 6 months. I think I failed that attempt at sobriety that time because I wasn’t really doing it for myself. I fell off that wagon that time making a trip to moosonee. Drinking once a month became a thing again. Some might wonder once a month ain’t that bad. Yeh but everytime I did i always got super hammered. Stink up the house wit my badhang over breathe and be sick all day. I had a good wife and step children that loved me dearly and always wanted the best for me. I was blinded by alcohol. Not knowing what I had til it was gone. Over the next couple years we drifted apart because of my drinking. Ended up separating due to me getting into cocaine once again I didn’t hide it from her i told her that I had did cocaine again after 5 years. After she left me I blocked my emotions. I turned to alcohol and cocaine to block it all out. For the next 21 months after that separation I had drank and did cocaine every weekend probably. My sick mind telling me I didn’t have no problem. I only do this on the weekends I’d stop 3 days before goin back to work. I had it all under control i thought. But in that time I lost visitation with 3 young boys whom loved very much. I lost a good partner who cared n always wanted the best for me. I gave up my place in NB. I lost all self respect for myself. Out of that whole time after seperating I knew i had a problem but I guess I loved the feeling of numbness the alcohol n cocaine gave me. I became tired of this life. Id be wasting half my income on a weekend. I could have saved so much.
Enough with the regret n shame though. June 14th 2am I came across a picture on the night I last drank. The picture was of the time I was living a sober life. And I remember how it felt good to be sober for that 6 months before. That same on the drive home my brother fainted on me, the 3 or 4 seconds he fainted I thought i was going to lose my little brother. All I can think about after was the what ifs. I’d be blaming myself as he looks up to me and here I am the one who introduced him to my type of life style with alcohol and drugs. Those two things that happened that day was a good enough reason for me to stop drinking. Sober 90 plus days now alcohol aint my friend no more. Life has gotten significantly better. I paid off one huge debt off onto my next, relieved stress,awoken a great spirit deep inside me, forgiving myself, working on my mind and body, slowly finding peace within myself. I just want to do better and be a better person i know I can be. I’m not trying to share this as a success story im not perfect I can fall anyday. This share is more like a story to show that its ok to try n do better if you’re in a dark place and not happy where you are in life. One day at a time.
I’m happy for you for all the areas you’re making progress in. It must have felt so good, too, to get that apology off your chest, I can imagine!