It’s amazing how I can put on a fake smile everyday and nobody notices…I’ve been through hell I was abused as a kid mentally physically emotionally and sexually it was so bad that I tried to commit suicide at age 11 then several other times over the years I have pretty much been out on the streets since I was 15 I’ve been in and out of prison and jail since I was 17 where most people were scared to venture because it was dangerous and not safe I went begging that someone would do something because they would’ve been doing me a favor i became an addict in 2011 on pills then from there moved on to heroin in 2015 I let a friend of mine make meth in the basement of an abandon house i moved into well the cops caught me in the house so they charged me with manufacturing a controlled substance even though they fingerprinted everything and mine were nowhere on anything the only way I could get out of it was to tell them whose fingerprints they did find and that just wasn’t going to happen by the time it was said and done with I got my charges dropped down to attempted possession of chemicals to manufacture i ended up with 5 years probation I stayed clean and made it 2 months on probation before I relapsed and screwed up I went to jail for pv and told them I just wanted to sit my 17 months in prison by the time I got out in February 2017 I had 11 months clean I met my wife in August 2017 and shortly after she was pregnant with our daughter 3 months after she was born she got pregnant with our son we got married in August 2018 later that month we started using meth and out of nowhere She blurted out that she cheated the day before our wedding then after that she continued to tell me several other times that she had cheated on me it was like it was a joke to her like a game the more she rubbed it in the more we fought the more we fought the more physical it got it turned me into a monster I did things I never ever would have done sober that’s 4 sure in September of 2019 she left me and the day she left I started using heroin again in December I got sick I was running a fever for 6 to 7 days and finally I just fell out on December 26th I don’t even remember going but when I did I left against doctor’s orders and walked home the hospital called my brother and told him that it was very urgent that I get back there so later that night I went and was told I had sepsis and had 9 strokes and a heart attack they did emergency open heart surgery they told my family that I only had a 10% chance to live I was mad when I woke up and they told me everything they did to me because I wouldn’t have let them I wanted to die I didn’t want to suffer anymore I don’t want to go thru everyday forcing a fake smile trying to pretend that everything is ok when deep down I know it’s not ok and probably won’t ever be ok​:pleading_face:
Welcome Jake! I may have missed it in your story but are you clean off heroin now? How long? Are you working any type of program or seeing a therapist for your trauma and depression?
Welcome here Jake. Your story is very painful. You have a place here and can feel at home if you want. Are you clean now? What are you doing to get back/stay on track? This community is here to help. 
I am clean from heroin since 12/26/2019 I am in m.a.t. I was going weekly but got bumped to bi-weekly Everytime I go in for my appointment I do group and counseling with a Dr I’m not going to meetings or anything only because with my health issues I’m more likely to catch vivid and it’s difficult for me to get around as well
Congratulations. Your are doing really well. That is a long time and you should be very proud of your self Jake 
That’s great! Congratulations on your clean time!
Welcome here @Jakefromst8farm82 Jake. Thanks for sharing your story, and congrats on being clean for so long. That shows me your strength and your will to live your best life possible despite the odds. Have you ever considered online meetings? There are loads around. Try intherooms.com for example. There’s a lot of help and info available on this forum too. Here’s a link with lots of useful info. Wishing you all success Jake.
Welcome to the forum! 2021 edition :)
Hi Jake, welcome to TS. I think you are in a good place here. I hope you can find the trust here to share openly about your feelings. All our feelings are valid and we don’t have to fake being all happy, shiny here. At least this is what I experienced here. I don’t have to be strong here. I can write down what’s going on, what is bothering me, what makes me sad and even if I sound like a broken record from time to time to me, I feel welcome here.
I wish you to find the same on here.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you very much​:smiling_face_with_three_hearts: