Looking back feels more and more surrealistic, the realization how I lived like an “functioning” addict for over 30 years. With better periods and total shit shows of insanity. Function like a kameleon, masking my addiction and uniqueness. Trying to fit in like a normy, be a normy, just do like the others do. Needing more and more of my doc to cope. What is even a normie……?
In short: starting the program kick started my true recovery after having been a dry drunk for 18 months. This triggered also my body and everything that I picked up throughout my life. Looking at the past with such clarity pushed me into a existential depression. To see what might be the root cause I went with a lot of resistance to a neuropsycholical research centre. Can’t believe that has jast been around September last year. The results help to understand myself much better and help me to share what my needs are on all aspects of life.
The key to get out of depression for me is connection. Things I did and do:
- attent meetings of AA/NA, making friends within the fellowship is not my way so:
- joining this app, probably have been here everyday, with more intensity periods and lower frequency/time spend periods.
- got myself a sponsor and started the steps
- picked up voluntary work
- got rid of bad connection/friends, including very old ones
- improved the connection with some, watching out for oversharing and on positivity. Might still get rid of some.
- joined a activity app for singles but also couples, in the beginning I needed to get used to it. But I more a less belong now to the inner circle of people that participate more often in my region, and I feel welcome every time.
- increased my involvement in the tennisclub
- joined a large gym, where I meet former colleague’s, friend, handball team member from long ago, former teachers, fellows etc. Again no oversharing is key for me, I don’t regret my past and I don’t shut my eyes for it, but just my sponsor (“needs to”) knows all
- started dating (after 3,5 years sober) which looks promising at the moment or might be even further than that. Relationships have been rough so a lot of triggers, but so far so good due to open and honest communication.
- improving connection with myself; self-love, self compassion etc.
- reading spiritual stuff and discovering meditation
Very busy and even haven’t been working 
. Little movement there. But recovery has to be number 1 still. In my opinion getting sober and building a sober life should be full time work in the beginning and the rest will follow. I haven’t do it fulltime (the first 18 m sober), but for sure would be my suggestions to new comers or at least make recovery too priority number 1.
Greetz,
Rob 
