After everything I said on here on Saturday about fighting FOMO and sobriety soundtracks etc I found myself relapsing just a few hours later. It’s the way it happened that makes it, for me, the worst one ever, because I broke the golden rule of taking a day at a time.
I was sitting enjoying a cup of tea on Saturday evening at about 8.30. My wife had gone to bed as she had been unwell all weekend. I started thinking about days 7, 8, 9 and 10 when I hadn’t even made it through day 2!
By 9 I had made up some silly excuse to go out in the car because it was low on petrol (which could have course waited until the next day) and that was it. I even stopped myself when I was at the self checkout with 3 bottles of wine and reached for my phone to visit this site or at least play a blast of my sober soundtrack but in my haste I had left it on the car dash cradle thing. So I bought them and before I knew it I was waking up on Sunday feeling the worst I’ve ever felt. Not in terms of a hangover but the guilt, regreat, self-loathing, anger, fear and helplessness.
I know there is a popular perception of people with alcohol problems that it is seated in self pity (poor me, poor me, pour me another drink) but I don’t feel self-pity, it’s the one emotion I’m sure I don’t have.
I’m frustrated and angry with myself because I know I need to stop drinking but feel like I can’t.
But thanks to having to face up to this latest blip on here, I feel much more determined than I have ever felt to make sure it is just a blip and get to my first counselling session asap.
I had a good night’s sleep last night after a very low but comfortably dry day yesteday (England losing the World Cup final didn’t help my mood, but, as a positive, at least I didn’t use that as an excuse to get drunk!)
I’m going to come up with a very definite plan today for what to do when I have my next wobble.
Best wishes to all of you out there…
There’s another one. Self-hate.
Yes you can. That’s your addicted brain playing tricks on you. We are at the wheel ourselves. Whatever our brain tells us. Don’t believe the hype. Wishing you all success.
Yep, it’s the self hate which keeps the viscious circle going I think. The way alcohol starts out as a great, fun friend and then turns into an abusive partner that you know you should leave but you can’t.
It feels like the final scene in IT, having to find the courage to confront Pennywise rather than fear him and fuel his strength (apologies for the reference if you haven’t seen the film)
Took me 40 years to stop hiding from my fears and do something about them. Sobering up was the first one to face. Many more came and many more to come still. Getting up sober each day (which is a victory in itself) and making a plan how to have a good one.
Drinking is the easy way out. Sobriety is not so easy (but it gets easier) but it is so frigging worth it friend. ODAAT indeed as we have to choose every day to face life. And live it.
Thank you so much, the support I have seen on here - not just for me - in just a few days of being a member has given me more strength to get sober than I have ever felt.