61 days in… I relapse whilst my husband is away when I promised I wouldn’t.. i had 4 mixer cans of vodka and sprite when my children went to sleep and then a further two cans the next day.
I went to my best friends house for tea.. and she wanted to search my car..i panicked because the cans were in my boot. With the further two I had purchased and drank once I had got there.. this is a very mild relapse for me but still a relapse.
Low and behold i told my best friend everything.. we are now keeping it hush until my husband returns because I dont want him to panic. Me and the kids are fine but I promised him!!! I promised!! How many times am I going to lie to this man.
18 year relationship and I know.. i am so close to losing him. The guilt twisting in like a knife today. I’ve sobbed and sobbed knowing I am going to have to tell him at some point.
The anxiety is bad.. that blood rush.. burns!.. I felt like I should just end everything.. “narrow mind” I know i won’t of course but my god do i feel like there is no way out.
I want to curl up and stay there. The shame spiral!
Why can we not bottle this feeling in a jar and remind ourselves how it feels every time it happens.
This feeling isn’t worth it.
I’m scared..very scared
X
9 Likes
Sam, sorry to hear you are going through these emotions and this situation! What I have found, and discussed with my wife recently since I’ve returned to sobriety, is that we alcoholics don’t deal in absolutes. I can’t promise anyone I’ll never take another drink in my life, not my wife, my kids, myself, or even God above. The only absolute we can declare and fight for is to not take a drink today and really to just abstain from the first drink because if we don’t take the first one, the other 99 bottles on the wall don’t come into play! We are all just one drink away from a drunk as my sponsor says, no matter how much time we have under our belts.
Relapse, while painful, is not the end of a journey, but an opportunity to learn and grow. To discover why we chose to drink again in the first place. I’m coming off a two year relapse myself after almost two years sober.
I don’t want to be that person that just says try a meeting and that will fix everything. But as someone who hadn’t tried them until recently I can honestly say it’s made a difference in my recovery 
this time around. The fear you feel is real and understandable but I think if you approach the conversation with honesty and with a plan in mind to discuss to move forward and continue your recovery it will go a long way. I’m glad you are here and seeking help and community, let us know if we can do anything to help, there’s a lot of great people here.
7 Likes
Hey Dear! I am sorry to hear how you feel because of a relapse.
Its hard… i also tried to hide every night of drinking (or relapse after a few weeks) from my boyfriend and family.
Its not like getting sober and everything is fine end easy. It sounds simple but it isnt.
But you did it a long time now and maybe dont be so hard on yourself 
Start again, it was a bump on the road and not the end of all bc of a few drinks. These sober days are not lost!!
We are all human, we dont have to be perfect. Youve been triggered and now you know how to deal with it the next time, you can learn from it and go on with your journey 
Lots of Love!