Navigating early patterns(TW discussing use patterns)

[livvay]

Hi, i guess this is me just ranting, story telling. Looking for advice, guidance, or even if anyone can relate to my story. I am a 22 y/o female, who has been questioning her relationship with Alcohol for years now, but as I get older, work as a bartender, as a pretty social drinker, maybe it was just a matter of time before i crossed paths with cocaine.

The first time i did coke, i was 21, and blackout wasted at a dive bar. I did not remember doing coke. That was in November of 2025, I did not find out i did it until April of 2026. I swear if you hooked me up to a lie detector and asked if i ever partook, the answer no would’ve came up as truth, i had no idea. It wasn’t until i went to the same bar, with the same friends, and they told me i did. I was very kind of taken a back by this, just like woah, that’s kinda scary? shocking? But for some reason it was more so the rationalization. After some drinks, and being around it, and offered it, i said yes. Next thing you know i’m feeling euphoric in a hot tub and up until 10:30 a.m. I also ended up hooking up with the person who was the provider of this drug for me. I think that was just an added layer to the complexity of my thoughts and relationship with this drug. I didn’t do it again until almost a month later, again when i was completely hammered, i remember waking up the next day and promising myself, i will never partake in coke again. But then a month later, i go to my friends bday cabin, and burnt the back of my hand with a flaming hot marshmallow, and i said f it, i deserve some blow after the trauma i just experienced. I got hammered and the burn was my rationalization once again. I woke up the next day feeling quite fine, and that was the turning point. Oh it wasn’t really the bit of cocaine that had me feeling like complete and total dog doo doo, it was the amount of alcohol i consumed.

Every time i was around coke after that, it was a bump or two or three. New rule was formed: i can do it but i can’t ever possess it. Then in August, i get drunk and drunkly was craving it, and decided to get a bag. I did some and then the next morning i woke up and immediately disposed of it. That was the moment that initially brought me to this app. I told myself i need to stop drinking, this was causing me to form two persons. Who i was, what i wanted, my goals when i was sober, and then who i was, the actions made, when i was drunk. The shame, guilt of that separation was and still is something i struggle horribly with. I was sober for 12 days. Then did a shot, then told myself, okay i can drink, i just can’t over do it anymore. Then drinking events would come up, and i just would not care. It was moments before i was drunk and around coke, and just said well “f” it!

I just recently got drunk, got a bag but this time i did not dispose of it. I used it for a weekend. Not all of it, but now i just have it. And i’m not going to lie, I don’t want to get rid of it, but yet here i am, with it after saying i would never allow myself to be in possession. I’m in this weird, it’s fine, i’m young, having fun, i only do it on weekends, just little bumps, I go to bed at a reasonable time after using, i wake up and be sure to eat meals. But I don’t believe cocaine can be causally used. Because here i am, not able to get rid of it, but not willing to use it either. I’m in this weird spot. I know i should just get it out of my reach, get a grip. But i also, don’t really want to? i keep rationalizing. Maybe this is just the early phases of addiction. I don’t know the right answer, i don’t know what it will look like if i just use the rest of it, and tell myself okay not again. I don’t know if i should even be on here saying all of this. I’m overwhelmed, confused, and feeling very young, not really in a good way.

[Jwfletcher4792]

First of all welcome! You’re here asking questions, trying to examine your life so don’t be ashamed or worried that you’re saying things right or wrong. You’re here because you feel something is off and you’re not happy with where your substance use is taking you.

I don’t have any experience with drugs outside of alcohol. I was a purist in that aspect, I loved to drink and thought alcohol was my friend, until it wasn’t. I have heard a lot of folks in my AA meetings talk about exactly what you’re describing when it comes specifically to cocaine. I’ve heard them all talk about just what you described that they never had a problem not using cocaine until they took a drink and then all of a sudden they were off to the races. They also describe that cocaine allowed them to drink more alcohol and not feel the effects of that which is wild to me to think about but I digress.

No one here can tell you if you’re an addict or not, that’s something you have to determine for yourself. But the question that I’ve learned in sobriety that helped me make that determination when it comes to alcohol is “can I take a drink or leave it be without any mental obsession or craving for it?” For me the answer is no, if I take a drink I have no idea how many will come after that.

There was another thread on here recently I liked where someone asked about labeling yourself and whether or not it was necessary to call yourself an addict or an alcoholic etc. I tend to think it’s not so much the label that’s important as a good understanding of yourself and whether or not you have a problem that needs addressing and a change that needs to be made. But I do call myself an alcoholic because I chose to accept that label myself, no one forced it on me I discovered it for myself.

If you do find that sobriety is definitely what you want and need, then this place will definitely help you build your plan and start working it one day at time keep coming back we are happy to have you here

[livvay]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, and for the warm welcoming. It means a lot. Congrats on your sobriety! it truly is inspiring.

I struggle with being present. I’m always thinking of what’s to come, what i want my life to look like. It’s weird, it’s like these substances are what allows me to let loose, get out of my head, and just think about what i want in that very moment and time. But then i deal with the after. The sober thoughts of well okay if this pattern continues, these actions, how is that going to look long term. What is that going to do for me and my future? And that’s where the billion questions come in. The anxiety, the guilt, the shame. I’ve told myself before the only way that i can think of to avoid these occurrences is to remove the alcohol. I want to be able to do that without having to hit an all time low. Personally, i have my doubts that’s possible for me. I’m scared i’m going to keep rationalizing, and just carry on until it’s legit an issue. I tell myself i’m being reflective, i’m noticing these as “issues”.

I fear that for as long as i don’t label myself as an addict with a problem, i’ll be able to continue my ways. Or maybe not. There is something soothing about telling yourself you can drink, you’re just choosing not to, rather than thinking i absolutely cannot do this ever again. That just feels like it’s bound for failure.

I don’t know. So many questions of what’s right, what’s wrong. What’s okay, what’s not. It seems really as if only i can draw that answer, and it’s kinda hell, not being able to. To the point i just choose ignorance, because i don’t know. I feel like i’m at that age where most of these behaviors and questions are so normalized. Like oh a weekend bender for a festival? you’re fine, cause you’re young! and surrounded by hundreds of young people who are all doing the same exact thing as you, and they’re okay! So i’m okay? or am i?

Again, right now i might not know, but one day at a time. Work on being present in all aspects. Thank you again for your kindness, your time. It truly is very much appericated​

[Techno_Tequila]

I recognise and relate to a lot of what you are saying here

I have been at your point, almost teetering on the edge of something. It really doesn’t matter whether you use the word ‘addict’ or not. If something is impacting your day to day week to week life in a negative way, it makes sense that you might want to adjust something. And you don’t have to slam it with ‘never again’ just ‘not this morning’ ‘not today’ ‘not this week’.

Unfortunately, I went past your point. My friend went slightly ahead of me and was drinking and using every day. For me, a Friday night became a 24 hour sesh. Then Friday went into Saturday night, Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning and on and on etc. somehow I kept a job. But my mind was not in a good place. Eventually I cut the by totally cutting off my friendship group. They were heading into real darkness and I did not want to follow. But I thought drinking was still ok. It was not. Brain had disintegrated. Psychiatric breakdown followed. I’d been trying to ‘moderate’ for a year. Realised that’s not possible. So made the decision that I couldn’t control it and I had to submit. I’m nearly at 100 days. My mental health has improved massively

So it doesn’t matter what stage you are at. If you feel something is a problem commit to changing it. It’s not easy, but anything that’s worth having rarely is.

Keep coming back here for support. Anytime you feel vulnerable.

[Jwfletcher4792]

Also, addiction doesn’t discriminate against age or anything else lol that son of a bitch will come after anyone regardless of who they are. 23 is really about the time in my life where my relationship with alcohol changed. I won’t tell the whole story here and drone on but the useful part of the story is that I drank like a normal person for a while. I got put into some circumstances in the military that set the stage for the alcoholic to awaken in me and boy did it ever lol

I had several stints of sobriety on my own in the decade that followed but each return to alcohol left me in a worse place somehow than before, another common theme you’ll find here, and a good sign that indicates a problem. It wasn’t until I recently got my ass to a meeting and began the fully surrender to who I am and what I want, that I finally found peace.

It definitely can be daunting telling yourself I have a problem and I cannot have this in my life anymore. Fuck I remember all of my stints of sobriety my brain had a thought in the first 7-10 days like “shit man are we really gonna do this to ourselves?” This is why we take it one day at a time, much more manageable that way.

I’m 34 years old, still young by most standards, and I’m grateful to have found sobriety true sobriety and recovery at my age because I know I didn’t hit the kind of rock bottom I’ve heard others share. I did my share of muddy shit don’t get me wrong, but it could have been much worse.

At 22 you have so much life ahead of you and I think of a decade worth of ups and downs and mental hell I could have avoided if I had the courage at your age and the strength to even ask the questions you’re asking. I find myself hopeful for you and the life that you could find for yourself, you could change the fuckin world! Or who knows what else because if I’ve learned one thing in sobriety is the possibilities when free from substance are endless and we begin to truly unlock things we had no clue we could be capable of, or at least I have. Again, so glad you’re here!

[livvay]

i just wanted to come in here and update. I don’t know i just feel like i owe it to you guys, to myself.

Going back to my initial post, I just wanted it to be known that i chose to get rid of the remains of cocaine. Something I knew was the better decision for me, my health, my mental. But yet the thought of getting rid of my next potential high kept me stuck. I sat with it, letting it tear me apart for a whole 24hours. It was driving me mad, wanting to get rid of it, but for some reason not just being able to right away, then spiraling asking myself like why? I know this is bad for me, i know this is not something i want to do long term, i know this is a slippery slope, but yet here i am, unable to move my feet. It felt like i was not one with my thoughts. An “us and them” moment (shout out Pink Floyd). I was not in control, and boy was that terrifying. And something i’m still struggling to grasp, and try not to beat myself up about.

I kept just repeatively thinking to myself “don’t think, don’t ask, just do”, and “right foot, left foot”, the imagery of me actually moving towards something helped i guess?

Immediately after, the questions of “wait did i just overreact?”, “am i going to regret that?”, “was it even that serious?”, genuinely thought i had made a mistake for a second, which felt even worse. Like possessing it overwhelmed me, getting rid of it overwhelmed me. I tell myself, it’s one day at a time. Every day further from my last high, my last usage, i progress a little more; it’s a day that i can count for something. If all else fails, every day sober is something to be grateful for. Cocaine is NOT worth ever feeling similar to this again, having a similar experience. I can’t even imagine the come down guilt that would be associated if i put myself in this position again. That scares me a lot honestly. I know im not perfect, mistakes are possible, im honestly scared that if i am drinking, and around it, i’ll give in. Even after these past couple days, as time goes on, things become “less serious”. I fear, but it’s one day at a time.