My husband and I both downloaded this app to help him with his pornography addiction and me with what may or may not be a drinking problem. Our relationship has been filled with a lot of lies and I’m trying to get more insight into his addiction. I know there are others on here who struggle with this addiction as well. Maybe if I can understand it a little bit more then I will start to forgive him.
He has always occasionally struggled with keeping an erection during sex. He admitted to having a pornography addiction and thought maybe that was causing his ED. He made the choice to stop. At least I thought. The past year and a half he’s had 2 different secret phones. He’s lied about watching porn. He’s been on multiple dating sites. He has been on the craigslist w4m posts. He has an extensive history of talking dirty to girls online (before and while we’ve been together). What I thought was just an addiction to porn I’m seeing is so much more. It’s one big sex addiction. We have been in marriage counseling twice a month for 5 months now. I’ve been explained the addiction process. The dopamine and what not. I guess I just want to be assured that his behaviors are normal when it comes to this addiction. The porn searches I’ve seen are confusing and worrisome to me. Can you watch gay and tranny porn without being gay? Was he just bored with the normal stuff? Can he really stop? If he doesn’t stop will it progress and will he physically cheat on me? Will he or has he used prostitutes? He says he’s 2 months sober right now but the last time he swore for 4 months he was sober and I found a secret phone he had been using the entire time.
I never had an issue with porn before this. Heck, I enjoy it. But when you’re masturbating at work and while you’re driving it’s a pretty big problem.
I’ve drawn up divorce papers. Said I’d give him 6 months to prove he could stop. His answer was to use a second phone.
I can’t change him. But maybe if I could at least understand him.
Also important to note that neither of us are religious so it’s sometimes hard to find the right material to help
@KevinesKay might be able to give more info too. Welcome to the forum @krsdos. It looks like your situation is not so black and white (i dont know much about that stuff) but theres lots of info and good people here willing to help.
It’s good that you understand that you can’t change him. Responding to your desire to understand him, perhaps you do to some degree. You said that you enjoy it, porn. Well, his enjoyment is 10x what yours is. He experiences a massive dopamine rush. This is very addictive. And it is often progressive, because when the stimulation is too frequent, it becomes less effective. This leads to more deviant behavior.
I am not an expert in this at all, but what you’re describing may also be sex and love addiction. Some of the porn addicts I’ve had conversations with seem to have issues mostly with pornography and masturbation. Married, or not married, I’ve seen both. Where I am seeing the sex and love addiction (SALA) is where you mention he has been chatting to other women online as well. I’ve read multiple posts where addicts claim to have compromised intimate relationships with their partners in the bedroom because of the unrealistic expectations pornography puts on sex. Again, I am no expert, but I assure you that you are not alone in this! It sounds like he actually may need to do a program of recovery specific to his addiction, and you may need to do the same if yours is alcohol. We are all here to support you
I’m a sex addict. Working on recovery every day and far from perfect.
All of those behaviors that you list are pretty typical for a sex addict. My methods of acting out were mostly porn and chatrooms. However I tend to isolate and I’m kinda one of those people who avoids intimacy. No two sex addicts are the same.
I can’t answer for your husband regarding the ways he chooses to act out. I do know that porn addicts do seek out more and more shocking categories of porn because it takes the added shock value to attain the high we seek. I never went into those categories but I know of many men who have. I tend to see sexual orientation as a spectrum. Everyone falls somewhere on it and while there are some things people might fantasize about, they might never act on them. I’ve never visited a sex worker. Not every sex addict does. But addiction is progressive and it’s certainly possible to go that far down the rabbit hole.
However the common thread is most of us learned to use sex/masturbation/relationships to avoid the unsavory parts of our lives. It’s such a part of us that it takes a long time to learn to live without it. In my opinion, it requires speaking with other addicts and formulating a program in order to have success. Therapy and/or 12 step fellowship is also super important.
First of all, I am truly sorry for all the pain that you must be feeling.
I do not understand what you’re going through, and I don’t believe that your husband will understand either.
I’ve interacted with 100’s of wives that have experienced what you’re going through. So you are not alone. But none of them have been able to understand the mind of a sex addict.
Just know that his addiction is very degenerative. Like any other addiction, one needs more and more of his/her DOC to get the same high. Plus, he will seek out more destructive ways to act out to get his fix. So yeah, his behavior doesn’t surprise me, and yes, he is in danger of acting out with real people.
What he needs is a lot of support and help. He will not be able to do this alone. And I cannot promise that his journey will be quick. It certainly won’t be easy, for him or for you.
And you will need support and help too. Your journey towards forgiveness will be just as difficult as his towards wholeness. There is hope, but no guarantees.
Get some more help, both of you. He could attend SAA, SA, or SLAA. You could attend SANON or COSA. There, both of you could find lots of people that share your same struggles.
I’m tagging @crystalclear because she would have more understanding of what you must be going through.
Thank you for sharing. You and your husband are welcome here anytime.
I agree with what’s been said already. It sounds as though you have a marriage where both partners have complicated problems. Perhaps divorce is an answer. Perhaps not. You admit that you have an addiction, which has likely hurt him. He has also hurt you through his addiction.
This might be one of those “cant we all just get along” situations. A little empathy goes a long way.
Sex addiction is weird. It affects everyone differently. Myself, it was just pornography, never other women or chat rooms, etc. Others may find themselves further rooted in the addiction though. It’s a progressive disease.
Your husband likely (hopefully) doesnt want to be like this or to act as he does, I dont know. Personally, I have enough self loathing for the things I’ve viewed and sought out that I cant imagine any addict being much different than me. We hate our addictions. I hate porn. It’s disgusting to me. Why have I viewed it though? Its rooted in me. My brain makes me think I’m missing out and I need it.
There’s a lot of rewiring going on. Learning to communicate. Learning to show emotions and have opinions. All that.
I hope your husband is able to get help for it. It’s not a religious thing, it’s more of a health and well being thing. Its isnt healthy to be constantly craving release.
This post could be triggering for anybody with porn (or similar) addictions. [Though I don’t feel like it is, myself, I just wanted to put a disclaimer on the post, just in case.]
Hey @krsdos , I welcome both you and your husband to the forum.
The behavior of your husband in what you’ve shared with us isn’t shocking to me, as weird as it may seem. I have the same addiction and know that I have done many things I regret (many times I am regreting and hating every moment of acting out, even while I am in the very act). I am happy he has made the choice to quit, as this is an important step in beginning recovery.
As for the type of porn, it seems to be a personal preference!based on what I have seen. I, for example, started with straight porn and slowly ended up watching exclusively gay porn. I can tell you I am not gay, myself; I simply found it seemed like it was more “genuine” and contained less “acting” and more “realistic” scenes (plus the girls were always being abused so bad I couldn’t stand watching straight porn and continue to justify my behavior; I had to watch something else and wasn’t aware of any other type I could possibly have been interested in). So it could just be something like that. Each person probably will have a unique viewpoint on this topic, to some degree at least.
I am not sure what to suggest you do next regarding marriage, but that is really up to you two to figure out anyway. I am the optimistic one who loves to see people work things out, but I do understand that sometimes working it out may or may not include a bit of distance. Just know that we are here for both you and your husband, regardless of what happens, and we wish to see both of you achieve the most out of life.
Continue to come back and don’t be afraid to ask additional questions and voice concerns. Once again, welcome! I can’t wait to hear from you guys again, soon!
@Swim_Track_18 We’re going to continue to work on things. He’s a great husband and great father. We have a great relationship outside of this addiction. I know I need to be more supportive of him. I was at the beginning. But after being lied to so many times it’s hard to believe anything. He’s 2+ months sober but I have a hard time believing it.
I also wanted to note that we have had accountability apps on our phones since June. Websites are blocked and I can see his activity. That isn’t very reassuring to me anymore considering he had his second secret phone from July to October.
It’s important you get some support as well. It’s a worthwhile effort to delineate the boundaries between the baggage he carries and the baggage you carry. We all carry something. His behavior is In no way a reflection on you. It isn’t because you’re not enough. You are enough! And you deserve a loving and supportive relationship exactly as you are. To get to that place, you may need to consider a therpaist or support group of your own. If you haven’t checked it out yet, I’ve found that Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty is a great place for the partners of sex addicts to start.
Hi @krsdos, I’m a recovering sex and love addict. My sobriety date is February 13, 2013 from many of the same behaviors. If you want to take the time to know my whole story, look at my profile for links to the video interview I did for a local news station. I have also sponsored several individuals who have struggled with similar issues. I’m a little late to respond, so hopefully I offer some new insight to help you.
That’s the nature of this brain disease: progressively destructive and risky behavior despite serious consequences. It was something I had no power over, and it sounds like your husband is in the same boat I and those I’ve sponsored was.
It may explain why he’s watching different kinds of porn and acting out in different ways. My brain built a tolerance, so I had to take more risks. When we use sex to self-medicate, just once is both too much and not enough. It’s why others can enjoy in moderation when we can’t.
A few common threads in our recovery were rigorous honesty about our problem, willingness to end the pain, and doing whatever it takes. With all three threads, the chances of long term recovery and sobriety for this disease is very good based on my experience, but all three have to be there.
As heartbreaking as this situation sounds as you’ve described it, I agree with your decision to separate your life from his. Whether it’s temporary or permanent can be decided later if it hasn’t already, but right now your emotional safety trumps.
I suggest checking out s-anon.org as well as individual therapy for support resources. I also recommend the book “Mending a Shattered Heart” by Stephanie Carnes.
Good luck and I wish the best for you in this difficult time💛
EDIT: A really good resource to better understand sex addiction from the addict’s point of view is “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes.
@krsdos if you are committed to understand I strongly recommend you to try to read “Don’t call it love” by Patrick Carnes. This book is a serious study of the problem. For me is a good book to have clear insights of the problem, “out of the darkness” by the same author is shorter. Both are really cheap.
