In early 2025, my friend who works in the same field and has psychiatric issues, suddenly ended our friendship via text. It hurt. He felt I didn’t support him with getting a high paying job where I personally knew the CEO. I had the end and I did my best with advocating for him.
He felt I didn’t do enough for him to give him the inside track and get the job. Throughout our 10 year relationship I felt I was the one who always called him to reach out. He would tell me all of his problems and use me as a support.
I felt the friendship was genuine, but I knew I did more in the relationship than he did. He kind of used me for support and emotional stability. Again, I did the majority of the work in the friendship. I kind of felt that he just used me for emotional stability and someone to talk about all of his problems.
Yesterday, he reached out to me via text and said that he wanted to rekindle our friendship and that he apologized for his behavior. I have been doing some research on narcissistic behavior throughout these couple of years being away from him and feel that I should just block him and not respond to his request.
During our friendship, I was an active alcoholic. Now that I am almost 2 years sober. I realize that I need to protect my peace, and I understand that I need to be surrounded by people who love me and do not use me for emotional stability.
What should I do? Should I forgive him again and let him back into my life? Or, should I block him and not respond.
I am a new person, I am surrounded by those who deeply love me and I have a strong marriage. I really don’t need any more friends. I am happy with what I have.
I think absolutely put yourself first, its ok to do that and to protect your sobriety, i understand you wanting to help but I think you’ve kind of answered your own question here…you felt he used you for his emotional stability but do you need that in your life right now or are you better served looking out for yourself instead? You are not responsible for his emotional stability but you are for your own.
As soon as I saw this, I thought this is a narcissistic trait. Then you immediately mentioned it yourself.
I don’t know the detail of your situation and 10 years is a long time and includes a lot of experiences. What I would say first of all is that I think perhaps you already know the answer as to what you should do. You are looking for permission. And I say this only from my own experience - I might have interpreted yours incorrectly.
As @Starlight14 says, you are not responsible for his feelings. You were not responsible for getting him a job, you are not responsible for his problems, and you are definitely not responsible for any psychiatric issues he may be having. Please put all of that load down. Because it’s not yours to carry.
After two years of sobriety your body and brain have repaired and regenerated. This is literally true. This new person can make whatever choices they need to do to protect their peace, live a stress free life, and continue improving themselves day by day.
I was in a similar situation many years ago. I blocked on all platforms and got my friends to block them too (they’d done really nasty things so it was appropriate for me to ask them to do this). My life has improved massively since I showed them the door.
I hope you make the decision that is best for YOU.
I echo what others have said. You should definitely put yourself first, you don’t need any toxic people in your life. I had once a similar situation with a so-called “friend”. He treated me like shit for a long time, and later on he apologized but it was too late because I realized that my life had been so much better without him. I told him bluntly that I don’t want to be in any contact with him and finally he stopped contacting me. It’s not selfish to protect our own wellbeing.
Well well, if this a reason to end a friendship it is a goooooood thing for you this person left your life. No true friend would ever do such.
Trust your gut. Protect your peace and sanity.
May i differ a bit?
forgive: yes, for yourself so you can let go and close the case emotionally.
let him back in my life: bad idea, horribly bad idea
block him: if you like and find it helpful, yes. i would.
not respond: never feed a narcicisst. i would ponder on a clear short answer like “NO”. knowing myself i would refrain from it. i do best with no contact. in 35 years of personal experience not one of such persons changed fundamentally and it was not worth letting them back in my life in hindsight. just my 2 cent.
First of all, Im sorry that ur having to deal with. It sounds confusing, frustrating, and hurtful. I dont think that he should have put the blame on you for “not doing enough” to help him get that job. Hes the one that is required to put in the work to get himself that job. That is such a ridiculous reason to end a friendship.
Second of all, I too had a friend (an old coworker actually), where I felt the relationship was often one sided and practically everytime we did actually speak, i was just her sounding board to vent and complain and share her struggles. I dont mind helping people of course, but when the other person doesnt reciprocate and doesnt even ask how Im doing or want to know anything about my life, then it begins to feel one sided to the point where I feel used. Idk if ur feeling similar?
To be honest, if the friendship between u and him feels stressful or causes alot of emotional distress for you, than I honestly wouldnt even bother to rekindle that friendship. Friendships shouldnt feel that way in my opinion.
But, I realize that ur friendship has been going on for 10 years and so if u feel like u want to keep the friendship going, maybe an honest talk with him would be in order. He may not even realize that thats what hes doing. Tell him how u feel. If he doesnt own up to his part or disregards how u feel, than u may have ur answer about whether to continue the friendship.
You have already answered this for yourself my friend. I am with you here - I would not respond. He may have grown or may not have but you sure as hell have and are in a better place. Like you said, you are surrounded by love and support and good intentioned people. You don’t need to shake things up and bring in someone who has left you.
I recently had a similar experience with someone who left the friendship without a word and now wants back in and now I’m sorry but I have no room for that nonsense.
Take care of yourself and the world that you have built. You do not owe this person any time or explanation.
It seems to me that you are a very caring person or you would not even be asking this question. This person brought little to the ex friendship and dumped you with a text. If they had valued your friendship they would have tried to work it out then not 2 years later. Even if it ultimately had not worked out, you deserved the respect from them to at least try. Listen to your gut when it tells you to leave him in the past. You have moved on and are in a good place and you definitely do not need that drain on your life.
Hi @Butterflymoonwoman - I’m going to take your advice and pass on the relationship. I’m different now and I don’t need to be someone’s sounding board.
ive never had a past friend reach out. i have reached out and aplogised for my addictive behaviors but not 1 has to me. all i can offer is what I WOULD PERHAPS DO. I would tell them to get sober and that i only want to be around love and sobriety BOTH.
i dont know your friend but you used the ward narcissist. if this person is infact mentaly narcissist as far as you can tell even a little, id stay away.
i personaly trust very little over text
and this person also got upset at YOU for not getting a job they applied for, and yes, this completely means you were treated like tool on his toolbelt that he threw away for not getting results he wanted.
edit: this also makes me think the person just needs you for something.
there has to be a reson after that long with no word
