My mother has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I was told there is a 90 percent chance that she will pass this week. I will have two years on April 19th and this the first time I have considered masking my feelings with alcohol and blow. If anyone is around, I just need someone to talk to
5 Likes
Hey there! I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I lost my dad 3.5 years ago to colon cancer. He was my best friend and his death gave me the excuse to turn a bad, but manageable binge drinking problem into full blown daily drinking. It did not help one bit. My wife and I had a six month old and she had post partum and dearly loved my dad. I took my pain and turned it into a selfish ball of self destruction. I was a shitty partner and a shitty dad. Plus she had to deal with me playing the first 30 seconds of my favorite songs while I cried…every…single…night.
Every day I had a hangover(oh yeah, I got a small life insurance policy, so I wasn’t working and I drank that all away) and my also depressed wife “had” to get up with our daughter.
The long and short of my rambling here, my super loving, peacenik dad would have kicked my ass if he saw how I handled his death, how I neglected myself and my loved ones and how his fear of me slipping into full blown alcoholism came true. It did me no good and I do not recommend it as a coping mechanism. I give it 0/10 stars.
Love yourself, love your family and get some grief counseling if the time comes. If she has hospice care, they usually have a group counseling session.
8 Likes
I’ve thought about this a lot and first I want to say I’m very sorry about your mother.
I have been relapsing and using and not being fully present in my life like I need or want to be. But I am thankful nothing has happened to either of my parents bc I would regret not being able to be there fully and presently for my parents in that time. Your mother I know has to be so proud of your 23 months and would want you to get 2 years and continue on with that after bc she has seen the growth and change in a positive way for you. I’m no one to talk bc of my constant using and relapsing but take it from someone actively using as of 6 days ago. Your not missing a thing man getting high. I’ve hurt everyone in my life and embarrassed myself. Stay strong and stay sober!
Again I am so sorry to hear about your mom! 
4 Likes
Sorry to hear that. I know how hard losing Mom can be.
Two years… You have had a lot of life experiance in that time. You know where booze and blow will lead. When my mom passed a good ways back, at the viewing and dinner after, I went through over a fifth of Jamo and some beers… I ended up falling into the bonfire that night and making everyone leave bc of it. That left me to sit there alone to listen to the same record I had on repeat for a long time over the next few months.
6 Likes
My mama would have whooped me something fierce. She knew my drinking had started to blossom and never said a thing. God I am glad she didn’t get to see where it ended up. Would have broke her heart.
I now can see where I let my disease take me after that, almost over the ledge 23 floors up and enough booze to fill the River Styx. All because I couldn’t face what had happened and didn’t deal with life on life’s terms. I thought there was a bottle out there that would take all that pain away for good. I just had to find it. I was so wrong.
7 Likes
Sorry to hear…It’s so sad. I know how you feel. All those mixed feelings who drive you nuts. And then that addiction voice who is creeping in.
My mom died 13 years ago to breastcancer. It was so hard to see her sick.
But please don’t listen to the voice of your addiction, he is just trying to get back in! You can ignore him! Stay sober for you and your mom. You are a better you sober!
Hang in there!
1 Like
I used alcohol as a gateway to crying. It’s weird, I “needed” alcohol to approach the pain, not numb it. My dad and I were open with each other and shared our emotions. I was never taught to not cry. Between my wife and I, I am the overtly emotional one. But I just had to have booze to let it out. His apartment was a block from mine and I would often find myself in front of his place, 40oz in hand, crying and listening to Neil Young or Tom Waits. Often in the wee small hours of the morning. His place was unoccupied, but I’m still shocked I never got the cops called on me lol.
Typing that out makes me realize how far I’ve come. I don’t recognize that version of me.
While he would have been deeply saddened to see how deep I got, he would be pleased as punch to see where I ended up as he was always afraid I would end up an alcoholic.
3 Likes
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I understand you wanting to numb that pain; I did it (unsuccessfully) for years.
I lost my father to stage IV brain cancer when I was in my 20s - and I started drinking hard. A few years later, my brand new, super fit, 34 year old husband was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer - four months after we got married. I drank more and more, trying to numb that pain.i just didn’t know how to deal with it. I remember coming to in my car in the parking deck of a medical center on the night after one of his surgeries. I still have no idea how much I drank that night - probably to the level of alcohol poisoning. It didn’t help. All it did was stuff that fear,anger, and sadness way down to where it would take a permanent hold on me.
I hope I’m not about to cross a line here. My thought is that, as agonizing as this is, you have the opportunity to help your mom out of this life with love, with strength, with dignity and peace. I’m guessing that you will never regret being able to bring fully present for her right now,no matter how much it hurts. You know that there isn’t enough booze and blow on the planet to keep it from hurting like hell. All that will do is postpone and magnify it - and add regret and shame. I hope that you will be able to look back on this time and have absolutely no regrets about how you dealt with it. Make this your last gift to your mama.
Thinking of you and sending strength and love…
10 Likes
You know that there isn’t enough booze and blow on the planet to keep it from hurting like hell. All that will do is postpone and magnify it - and add regret and shame
That’s the long and short of it right there. Very well said.
3 Likes
So sorry about your mom. My kid in currently in remission from leukemia but had 2 and a half years of chemo. I used the pain and stress I felt over her illness as an excuse to drink and eat myself into oblivion. But all I was doing was running in circles from the pain, and it caught up with me eventually. What you are dealing with right now is incredibly painful, but from experience, I can tell you that you can’t run forever from confronting it. There is not enough alcohol in the world to mend a broken heart. Much love to you and your family
6 Likes
BlockquoteThere is not enough alcohol in the world to mend a broken heart.
Love love love this! I needed to hear that as that’s exactly what I’m doing!
1 Like
Stay strong, thinking of you 
I’ll start by saying I’m sorry you and your mother have this pain to bear. Hang in there, you know there are plenty of kind souls on here willing to listen and chat you back. If you have made it two years, you know alcohol won’t do anything to help your Mother or your feelings regarding her situation.
I’ve recently been exploring Buddhist concepts as they relate to recovery and I’d like to share this point with you. Buddhism teaches all suffering in life originates from “the attachment to the desire to have (craving) and the desire not to have (aversion)”.
You want your mom to be well, you want her not to suffer, and I’d venture to say you want not to feel the feelings you are experiencing. These unfulfilled desires are causing you to suffer. Life is fragile and we all have a limited time to walk this earth. You cannot change your mother’s situation, but you can control how you handle it, whether that is sober or not, is up to you.
As alcoholics we inherently don’t want to deal with complicated or painful emotions because we have anesthesized our brains and hearts for so long. This is where that “aversion” or desire NOT to experience these emotions comes into clear view.
From past experience and observation, most of us can attest that the drinking will only bring you additional suffering, it will not help you or your Mom. I wish you courage and peace in your time of need, and wish your mother peace and comfort. 
3 Likes