I’ve grappled with these two things too. Recently I’ve come to understand that I’m getting in my own way here: my obsession with myself here (“I’m not doing it right, I’m gonna screw up, something’s gonna go wrong because I’m not keeping track of XYZ closely enough”) is part of the problem. I’m putting myself at the centre of everything, and I’m not learning to let go in healthy ways.
I’m still learning, but I get better every month. There is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, what has made a huge difference is finding a recovery program, and following the advice of the people in the program (there’s a list of programs here: Resources for our recovery)