Here again, feel bad for keep coming back, and forth, with the same shit ,need to find myself, im funtioning but loosing it i know for sure ,a messy cycle of drink, cocaine and codomol.
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You’re still trying, and that’s what matters. I got to a point where I just didn’t even care to try anymore and left this place altogether. Don’t do that. It wasn’t a good time. Keep getting back up. No matter how many tries it takes 
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Need to get a grip again
Maybe what you need is what I needed. To release my grip and surrender - to sobriety. To seek and accept help without questioning. To dedicate my life, my daily routine and activities to the pursuit of sobriety.
It’s an inside job, getting sober happens in our heads and our hearts. We see what we look at, so keep your eyes lifted to the horizon and forward.
Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey.
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I know i feel like ive been on a fuctioning bender for weeks now ,im slipping fast i can feel it trying to hold myself and family together, working ect ,feel like ive aged ,mentally knackered now
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August i was doing well went to a couple of meetings, had my shit together, so i thought, went on holiday was alot more in control than i thought, came back, and ive lost the plot ,not sure if its drug or alcohol taking its toll but feeling like im being pushed into this ,as much as im trying stay above water
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Are you doing anything on a daily basis to seek outside support for staying clean?
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No nothing, just can’t gwt myself from saying no,my partner uses its not his fault, i have my own mind and make my own choices
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How are you Laura?
Yes, also wondering how’re doing? Take care.
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Ok ,been better to be fair ,still fighting still need to get a grip thankyou for asking xxx
Ive been up and down, got it one minute down the next ,feel bad to keep resetting, thats why i haven’t been here ,but hey ill get there x
Thats when you do need to be here dear Laura for support, we are here for you and we all get it, sending some love your way
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Apologies for the wall of text, but I need to get all this out. I’m so busy offline at the moment, but I try to take a few minutes on here now and again to at least catch up with what’s happening. I’ve followed your story for a while now Laura, and hope and pray you manage to tackle this
Hard lessons has taught me before that during the times you’re not on here talking it out is probably when you need it the most. Do not allow guilt and shame to keep you away from here, or getting help in general. This is how addiction keeps you in its evil grip, it alienates you from people who care about you, and the vital support you need.
You say you’re not sure if it’s drugs or alcohol pushing you into this, the answer to that is both, because you’re addicted to both. It is all about dopamine, and levels of it in the brain. When you’re an addict, your highs can rapidly drop to severely low levels of dopamine. The pain of the lows make us seek out the ‘fix’ to help us feel ‘normal’ again. Your brain has been trained to seek out your DOC because it is trying to fix the dopamine low the way it has many, many, times before.
You say you have your own mind, which you do. However, I feel (and have always felt) that because your partner uses around you, you will find recovery so much harder - almost impossible. ‘Reset shame’ snow balls. When it happens a lot, you start to lose faith in the whole process. The odds are stacked against you in your own home. Everytime your DOC is near you, particularly in the early days - just like Pavlovian theory, the bell will be rung and you will salivate. Our addiction is a conditioned behaviour, and this what you’re battling when you’re being tempted.
Laura, if he loves you, he will stop all this happening around you. Stop the knocks on the door, people showing up with stuff. Your home is also your childrens home, their safe space. It’s not party central. My fear is that the kids might find something and take it. Next thing you have police and social services involved.
My sobriety is for me, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t really about my kids. Mine all really need me, and need me to be present always, but particularly right now. My eldest is still very ill, second eldest needs my help with college stuff a lot, number 3 is my little lady that needs my love and support as much as any of the others, and number 4 is my little man. He has ASD-Hyperlexia, and is a constant worry for me. I never drank around my kids, that was a hard rule with me. But, they do feel the repercussions when mum is feeling tired and like shit the next day. They never asked to be born, I put them on this earth, so they will always trump my shitty addiction. They are my raison d’etre.
Laura, I’m on your side - so is everyone here If you want to recover with all of your heart, changes have to be made at home. You can’t just leave your recovery down to will power and your own mind. The best hope of success will come when you change your environment, then you will change your life for the better xxx
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I just looked at my history of resets and was surprised at how many times I have reset my clock. I’d go 10 days sober, 10 day bender, blacking out for 10 days straight! And repeat and repeat I was so tired of not remembering half my life. But as long as you keep trying you have a chance. I’ve tried and tried and tried. Today I have 40 days which is more then I have ever had and all I had to do was keep trying. If you want it bad enough, you will get there I promise. In my really early days I came here every day to post and read what people are going through it helped a lot. When I was resetting a lot I would say I really wanted to quit but never tried would only say it. I’ve been putting in work, going to meetings, doing sober things, coming on here. I found the more I thought about being sober constantly it helped. You can do it.
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I was doing the same thing.i feel like I was changing my date 4-5 days a week, and then giving up all together and going on months long benders. My intentions were always good, but it wasn’t until I got into the IOP and got serious about it that I felt like I was getting better. Congrats on 40 days Sober .
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Thankyou all for your time ,day 2 im on ,i know alot of work has to be done xx
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Glad to see you’re not giving up. Keep fighting! You are worth it!
I knew a lot had to be done too but knowing and doing are 2 different things. It wasn’t until I became willing to do whatever was suggested, surrendered and took action that the days started stacking up.
I personally know the added challenges that come with a partner who continues to drink. It’s not easy by all means, but it is possible. I did it with the help of IOP, AA and this forum.
You can do this!
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Thankyou x
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I am new here but i think as long as we keep trying its ok because we have that conscience to know we are screwing up.
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Welcome aboard Nick! You’re right. Some people do get it right the very first try but many do not and it takes a lot of failures to finally make it stick. After resetting countless times, ‘hoping for the best’, and continously letting myself down, one day it just clicked for me and I was done. Like magic 
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