So as some of you know, im just getting out of a very toxic 9 and a half year relationship. My ex whos in active addiction just moved out last week after us attempting to live together while separating, me in recovery ( 86 days now clean) and her still using. Having the heart i have ive still trying to help her while shes currently homeless she got upset with me this past Saturday because i wouldn’t send her money. I refuse to be an enabler, so she got mad and told me to never contact her again… and stopped answering her phone and cut off all communication… i tried to reach out to her Sunday, yesterday, and today… no reply. So i got worries and headed into town in an attempt to track her down to make sure she was ok and also to give her some money ( because im an idiot ) so im driving all over town looking everywhere… up and down more streets than i can count… after a couple hours and about a half tank of gas i finally decided to give up my search and head home. Well as im heading down main street so i can get on the highway and head home i hear someone behind me honking the horn and screaming so i look back and who is it? Her! She proceeded to follow me while driving reckless, screaming out god knows what with two other guys in the truck with her… i wanted so bad to go back to the old me and jump out of my truck to whip both thier asses and go on about my business but all these thoughts started running through my head and i started thinking about how far ive came and decided to just drive off… now im sitting at home fuming because why??? I was just trying to help her and it hurts so bad that shes so far gone and theres nothing i can do about it… i always put her and the kids first before any of my happiness was ever a priority to me… i know now i truly have to let go but it hurts even more picturing and knowing that shes homeless and already riding around with two other men… its not even been a full month…9 1/2 years and shes already whats seems to me, has moved on… ill never understand and this is extremely hard to swallow … just feeling lost right now but i know i just have to keep doing the next right thing… but thats not always the easiest thing to do… im just going to let it go, i dont see another option right now. I just pray that she stays safe and doesn’t end up getting taken advantage of… i know im a good guy…and i deserve better than that. Anyways, im still sober, still taking it ODAAT… just hurting a little extra today. Hope everyone is doing well… thats all, sorry for the rant!
I’m so sorry you going through that Billy. It sound just awful. I’m glad you can let it out here. It hard caring so much about others that we love. It must feel terrible seeing her get worse and worse. Congrats on your 86 days clean. It sounds like you are doing the right thing protecting your clean time at all cost. No matter how heartbreaking it feels. I wish there is something you could do. But we know with addiction there really isn’t much we can do but take care of ourselves.
Al-Anon helps me a lot in my situation being married to my alcoholic.
I can’t control it.
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t cure it.
Oh and keep ranting away until you feel better. It helps.
Awe Billy - i am sorry that youve been dealing with rhis for past few days and then had the recent confrontation.
You are doing so well my friend. It is hard to let go of someone you love after 9 1/2 years. She clearly is not in the same head space as you and being with her will only take you backwards.
I know you are worried about her and want to help her but you cant help someone when they are blatently rejecting your help.
You do desserve better and never apologize for a vent /rant…whatever is eating you up inside needs to be put out in the universe and dealt with so that it doesnt consume you.
You are home - in your safe place now - breathe and relax - hang out with your kya (your sober companion) 
Staying clean will open up many options for you. In the end she is responsible for her own self.
@Dazercat seriously i need to read that. I cant control, i didnt cause it, and i can’t cure it… damn thats some reality and 100% true. Im glad i did write this out because i almost erased it. Its embarrassing sharing things like this and also i dont want to feel like im disrespecting her by talking about her but i feel ive been appropriate and respectful with the way ive talked about her. Youre right i wish there was something i can do but today was embarrassing and belittling and now i have to put that boundary completely up. Thanks again
@JazzyS seriously thank you… i feel like you always know the right thing to say. … im going through alot right now. Went from a busy house of 6 to just me and now the doggo ( thank god ) this dog is absolutely perfect and we have definitely already created a bond…shes constantly walking up for snuggles and pets and when shes not shes laying right by my side… i havnt left her alone yet lol…even took her to work. Im trying, i really am but im completely heart broken and i miss the kiddos like crazy but none of them were biologically mine and shes already said ill never see them again, ugh… anyways heres a pic of kya on the job site while im on the saw. Im surw it was a stressful day for her as shes never heard saws and drill , air compressors going off… but she did so good
@SoberGuyUSA … i know man… im going to keep at it… thanks for the words of encouragement!!
Im proud of you brother! Congrats on protecting your sobriety and maybe this little interaction is exactly what you needed to experience to really realize the toxicity.
Please dont be embarassed. What you shared was raw and real and its a beautiful thing to share with this safe, sober community.
Keep doing the next right thing brother
You are most welcome my friend. I am just grateful that you did not delete the post and shared your feelings.
Kya is so amazing - love that you are connecting so well with eachother. Sure the noises and atmosphere were scary for her first time. Maybe in time - she will be the helpful hand on site
I’m sure you are missing the kiddo’s - it’s so hard to lose a full house over night. It’s such a hard situation for you and you are handling it well and sober. I am proud of you.
Keep us with this journey of self improvement and remember we are only a click away – never second guess yourself when the need to share arises.
Congratulations on your 86 days!
I’m sure things are more complex than this snippet that you have written but my thoughts are that if addiction is an issue maybe codependency might be an issue as well. I’m sure both of you are mourning the loss of that possibility of a healthy and stable relationship. It’s a bitter pill to swallow in any relationship and especially after nearly a decade.
If she said that she did not want to talk to you again, that was how she felt in that moment and those feelings can change but if you truly wish to support her and to continue progressing on your journey as well, trust that the decisions she makes are what she needs too be doing in the grand scheme of things.
I know it can be tempting to try to help someone adhere to the path that you think is best for them but use this time to establish your co-parenting patterns. Your job as a co-parent is to do your part for the kids independently from the other co-parent and if you start building this new co-parent relationship by crossing boundaries that are placed and continuing the same toxic patterns of communication, that certainly isn’t going to benefit your kids and will only create more tension and stress which are huge triggers for a lot of addicts and will not help her get to sobriety and will not help you to maintain yours.
That being said, I’m sure that her behavior has some impact on your sense of self worth and it can be hard to remember that your interpretation of her actions and your role in her life do not determine your value. That’s easier said than done so I’ll say that if she tells you not to contact her anymore and avoid you it’s because something is affecting her obviously and she is not “over it”, she’s doing what she feels she needs to do to prevent it from affecting her. Whenever it is no longer affecting her I’m sure that she will contact you again but that is on her terms so all you can do is just let her know that you are there when and if she is ready to talk.
Who knows, perhaps she is ready to get sober but has to build her identity outside of being your partner so that Independence can help her to learn to make good decisions and have the discipline to stick to them.
You sound like such a good human. You should try Nar-Anon.
Man im sorry this happened Billy, sending you some hugs and love, your a great person with a big heart, never change that but do protect it more and look after yourself for now as many have already said you cant control her behaviour, your doing so well in very difficult circumstances and im proud of you for coming here to vent, keep doing so, i cant solve this for you but i am here to listen and support
Billy, you already received such great replies. What a great community. The only thing I’d like to add. . . Don’t take her behavior and actions personally. She is in active addiction. That’s one of the many tragedies of this disease. It robs you of your ability to control yourself, it robs you of your self.
@UniqueNewyork lots of great advice, thank you
@Starlight14 thank you so much for your support, you’ve always been helpful and guiding… truly appreciate you
@XXIX i really try to be… my addiction robbed me of alot of things but ive still always tried to do the tight thing. Ive always been a hard worker and i always have taken care of my family to the hest of my abilities… i dont know you, but sounds like you’re a goid person as well!!
@LeeHawk thanks for you kind words and support as well… these community is AMAZING and truly helpful… i remember the first time i downloaded the app… it was just to help keep track of my sober days. I ended up relapsing and deleting it. It wasnt until my 2nd attempt that i redownloaded the app and figured out it had a community. Its been nothing but support and love ever since. I think this is an app and family that we will all need possibly for the rest of our lives!!! Thanks again!!
Thank you all so much… sending you all love and peace!!! I hope you all have the best day!!!
That’s a Q-tip 
Quit
Taking
It
Personally
I find it easier said than done.
It’s an acronym I have to repeat to myself daily. Freaking constantly 
Well shit, my friend. I’m stealing that one (QUIT) from you as well. And guess what, Eric?! I’m not drinking today, and probably not tomorrow either. You are a good cat, my dear friend.
@Cjp i cant believe i missed you… you too have been plenty of support as well. I think you and im proud of you too…we are all on our own personal journey here… but one main mission as a whole, as a family…staying sober. You all are helping me do that!!!
Maybe it isn’t so much she has ‘moved on’ as she is doing what she has to to have a safe ish feeling place to sleep. Either way, she is responsible for herself and you are responsible for you. We can let others take up lots of mental energy, financial resources, time, etc…but in reality we can only control our selves, our reactions and where we go from here. Keep believing in YOU and doing what is best for you and your kids. You deserve that.
How are you Billy?