Hey guys I’m 58 days sober (my longest streak ever, and without a craving). I’ve been working out, eating better, got a new job I really like, etc. By all metrics things are going really well.
But I’m having an issue with, I suppose what I’d call emotional regulation. I like my coworkers, I like talking to them and want to be friends with them but that’s part of the issue. I’m completely aware you can’t rely on coworkers to be your friends and that it’s almost never a good idea. But I’ve noticed that my conversations with them can affect the rest of my day. I keep it casual but professional. “How’s the grandkid, hows class” only things they’ve already mentioned, without getting too personal. And they seem more than happy to talk about themselves. But it actually hurts my feelings that nobody asks about me or how I’m doing, ever. Actually makes me a little depressed when I get home and realize they didn’t ask me a single thing about how I was or what’s new with me.
I get it, that’s not what work is for. I was thinking about going to an AA meeting just for the social aspect but I’m not having any cravings to drink so it’s really just self serving. I don’t think that’s appropriate. I want people to want to get to know me because THEY want to, not because I want people to like me. I do. And I wish I didn’t care so much.
Maybe the alcohol suppressed things for so long that I’m MORE emotional than I would be otherwise? I didn’t usually feel this way before I started drinking. That I can remember at least.
So how can I like, temper my expectations? I realize I need other social circles but I’m coming up dry with ideas. Until then I’ve got to find a way to stop caring that it seems nobody cares about me. Without booze of course.
I know how hard it is to feel like you’re floating, not getting connected with people. It feels painful and empty and it hurts.
I would say, AA is a good idea. My closest friends at the moment are all people I’ve met in my SA group. They understand me in a way few others do, and for me - and it sounds like this is important for you too - being seen and understood matters.
Twelve-step groups (and all recovery groups, twelve-step or not) are not about eliminating cravings. They’re about laying foundations for a growing, constructive, connected life, and continuing to build on those foundations for years and decades after starting the work. It’s like landscaping a property: one year you do this area, then expand to that area, then plant some fruit trees, then a vegetable garden, then a rose garden - etc etc etc. It’s a lifetime project of planting and maintaining and growing, and it’s something you share with people you care about and who care about you (which is one of the elements of recovery groups: people working their recovery care about other people, and invite that caring into their lives).
If one group isn’t doing it for you, try a different one. Every group has its own vibe. There’s hundreds of online groups too.
It sounds like you want to be seen, heard, and understood (like all humans do, whether they’re in recovery or not). Don’t give up. You can find what you need if you search. As the expression goes: “fish where there are fish”. Where are the people who want to connect and grow with you?
Thanks Matt. I guess that’s a good point. There’s a meeting I can go to tonight, I’ll try it. It’ll be my first live meeting since the pandemic. Can’t hurt, might help, may as well try it.
It’s definitely fine to go to AA to be social! I’d say that’s a big reason ppl go in the first place, especially later on in sobriety!
Re your colleagues, I think the peeps who do want to be friends will also ask Qs back. Keep making the effort it’ll pay off and you’ll eventually learn who not to waste your energy on and who will return your interest. It’s a process my friend. And you’re not alone with that problem at all. Keep learning, keep going.
I hope you went to the meeting, it seems like a good place to start.
It’s not self serving and someone on their first day/week of sobriety may be able to relate to you with 58 day sober more than someone with multiple years or decades, don’t sell yourself short.
In relation to the work aspect, I have recently started a new role and I like to keep my work/life a little separate. I want to go home and forget about work
It can be hard to be the new person if the others have worked together for a long time, don’t take it personally, if they are meant to be more than coworkers it will happen in time
Thanks, I did go to the meeting and I’m glad I did It kind of scratched that need to talk to people itch (well, feel listened to maybe)… Thing was that I do know better than to try to mix work/social lives and it was bothering me that it was bothering me, lol. Anyway today is 60 days. I’ll be going back to get my first 2 month chip (not today bec. I have work this afternoon). But thanks!
I’m so glad to hear it helped
Congratulations on 60 days
I found it way easier to find comfort at meetings rather than stewing in my own feelings and met some amazing friends.
