We are going camping this weekend. Its going to be such a good time and good chance to reconnect with nature and i know that. But camping is triggering for me. Ive been camping since i was little, my parents would always get trashed and eventually me too once i got older…now the last two times i went camping with my fiance were before we got sober. Once about a year ago and once a few years ago. Last year my fiance got so drunk that my family asked us to leave, we fought for 6 hours straight until he passed out. This was right before we got sober. It was the darkest and scariest point in our relationship. I had no fun on that trip and ended up home early and in a giant mess with my family. Things have gotten much better since then. However… that is not the more triggering one was a few years ago. We went camping with one of our friends. We got drunk very early on. My fiance and i got into a fight and i couldnt even tell you what about. He said some really really damaging things to me. I said i was going for a walk. And i did. I grabbed a 6 pack and stumbled my way into the woods. I found myself literally at the edge of a cliff and ready to drink until i fell off because i couldnt bring myself to jump. I dont remember how or why i decided to leave. I dont even remember walking back to camp or how i managed to get there for that matter. I guess something was watching over me. When i got back. My fisnce immediately started screaming at me. He told me i was a stupid bitch, that i was worthless, and id ruined everyone’s trip just because i came back. He shoved me onto the ground and told me he hated me. So. Already suicidal and absolutely hammered. I got up and grabbed a handgun. I dont remember who took it from me but it went off. No one was hurt. That part is all really blurry still. For everyone. All three of us were so messed up on coke and alcohol. I got up, got in our car, and started driving back down the canyon. I remember at one point i stopped at the river. I took out my phone to type my note… i was too drunk to type and kept dropping my phone. So i did a voice recording. I still have it. In the middle of it my mom called. I didnt even realize i was far enough out of the mountains to have service. We talked for a long time. She convinced me to go to the hospital. I voulentarily was admitted for suicidal ideation and was in the psych unit for a week. I went once when i was 10 and swore id never go back but thats a very long painful story for another time. But it was a big deal for me to willingly go back. But even so. Right after i went right back to drinking and drugs for probably 2 or 3 more years before things got so bad that i cut ties with alcohol. My fiance and i did it together which i know doesnt work a lot of the time. Especially when your relationship also had abusive moments. But it is for us. With a lot of effort, patience, therapy, and love its working. Were in a great place together and individually. Ive never felt healthier or happier. Sometimes i legitmately question if I’m in a coma because i didnt think this version of life was a possibility for me. But here i am living it. However i am pretty fucking nervouse about going back out there. The group were going with is also all sober people which is really cool and will help. Some people are bringing their kids. Its gonna be a really good time. I just am scared that those emotions are gonna come up a little bit harder than Im ready to deal with. I never really truly addressed that situation or faced it. I just drank it away. I’m not suicidal now. I’m 319 days sober. I’m very much so a different person. But it still makes me sad thinking back to that version of myself. I just really hope this will be a healing adventure and not the opposite.
Anyways. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
Can you talk with your fiance about your worries? And make a plan for what to do if you are feeling overwhelmed with it? Can you camp a little further down where you have cell service so you can get in touch with someone if you need to? Or come on here and talk through how you’re feeling?
I do hope this trip is healing and beautiful and relaxing for you. Just hoping you and your fiance can set up some kind of escape plan should you need it to keep yourself safe and happy 
Sending well wishes 
You are doing an amazing job!!! So much to be grateful for!!
319 days sober. Your life and your fiance’s life are back on track. Your happy and settled.
I’m glad your terrified of camping. It’s that deep fear of drinking again and messing everything up that will see you through this weekend. You’ll be fine. Don’t overthink it, but also…don’t pick up that first drink. You got this!!
Congratulations on 319 day’s!! Your off to a great start hun. I feel that in order to really heal your going to have to face the emotions, so you can deal with them. If it gets overwhelming, then I think you should either talk to your fiance or one of the other people who are there. Take a note book, write down your emotions and then later on you can read it after the trip. I found it was easier for me to write down my emotions and then deal with them one at a time. I am sending prayers, hugs and love hun, hang in there and remember that we’re here for you 
Great Ted talk and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Congratulations on your 319!! That is wonderful. I hope you talk to your fiance about your worries. I hope too you know it is okay to take quiet moments to yourself if needed, out walking or journaling, as others have suggested. Or maybe sharing with your sober friends if you are so inclined. Most of all, don’t keep it in, journal it out…that helps so much.
I am hopeful you will be able to tune into the healing properties of being out in nature. Fresh air and slowing down = healing. It is okay to be triggered, it happens, it is how we change our reactions to life…that is where the strength of sobriety / recovery lies. Feeling the hard stuff and letting it go. The past can’t hurt you anymore.
Thanks for sharing. Please keep us posted. 
How are you doing today? Just wanted to check on you
We actually just sat down and talked about it and it was a very uplifting conversation!!! Thank you
Really good idea! I’ll make sure to bring my sobriety journal!
Thank you! We did talk and i feel much better about the whole thing and have a therapy session before we leave as well!
Thanks! I am feeling much better about the whole thing. Ive made sure to pack all my coping mechanisms haha
That’s great! I’m happy it went well hopefully you have a great time 
Update:
Camping was a blast. Much more pleasant than i was imagining. Few triggering moments for sure but fortunately i was all the way in the forrest and couldnt have drank if i wanted to lol
I’m so happy it went well for you and you had a great time!! Beautiful dog🤩