It’s not quite my 4 year anniversary yet, but I figured I would share my story anyway.
I don’t even know where to start. I started drinking at around 14 years old. That was a very tough year for me. My mum had an attempted suicide, and I was the one who found her. I felt a lot of guilt over that. I thought that maybe I was a bad daughter or I did something to make her want to leave. (Now, I know that she was just very sick, but that didn’t mean she loved me any less.) A few weeks after that, I got drunk for the first time. I still remember the morning after. I woke up with a massive headache, trying to remember things from my blackout the night before. After I got over that terrible hangover, I wanted to do it all over again. At age 19, I started getting into other drugs. I won’t go ahead and list everything. But from ages 19 to 23 I was hitting the pubs and nightclubs frequently and doing mostly uppers, combined with drinking. At 23 I got into a very abusive relationship, and this is when things really started going downhill. Yes, he was abusing me, but I stayed because I was addicted to both him and the alcohol/drugs. We were into some heavy drugs and at this point, I wasn’t able to hold a job. I was completely isolated from my family and real friends. I needed dope several times a day, my health began to suffer, and I was drastically underweight. I finally left him, and my aunt agreed to let me stay with her. There wasn’t a day that went by where I wasn’t sneaking off to her bathroom to go use. Then in 2015, I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. I hadn’t been taking care of myself for so long that I didn’t even realize I’d had cancer for the past year. At this point I had like 5 lumps in my neck. I had a few minor surgeries, went through chemo, lost all my hair. And I was using drugs all throughout my chemo. I would be hooked up to an IV, and I’d drag the IV pole with me to the bathroom, and use. Looking back on this, I’m amazed that I am still alive today. Thankfully, doctors got rid of my cancer. Then in the year before I got clean, I spent most of it homeless, living on the streets. I had 2 fentanyl ODs, and again I survived. But I felt so hopeless. I didn’t have a shred of self-esteem. I felt worthless and was just waiting to die. My turning point came at a very dark moment. Still homeless, I was assaulted one day. I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. I went to my mum’s house and she said she would help me get into detox. Then I said to myself that I would try to get sober. If I couldn’t handle it, then I would kill myself. That was my plan.
My first week clean was tough. There were at least 3 times when I thought “screw this, I’m leaving detox”. But I stayed. When I left detox, I moved to a new city where I lived in a recovery house for 6 months. In that time, I got a sponsor, started making my way through the steps, and was going to 2 – sometimes 3 – meetings per day. I started forming MEANINGFUL connections with people for the first time in my life. I got some service positions in the fellowship which was great because it offered me a way to give back to a community that had done so much for me, plus it gave me an opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone and really connect with people. After 6 months, I moved into another recovery house, and lived there for a year. I’ll admit that some days were really tough, living in a small house with 7 to 10 other women. But at this point, I was willing to do anything and everything for my recovery. Any suggestion that was given to me, I followed. My sponsor asked if I would speak at an AA Roundup, so I did. I filled the Secretary position at my homegroup. I completed my first set of steps. I tried to be as honest, kind, and forgiving as I could. I admitted my wrongs. I found my higher powers and prayed to them daily. I had severe trauma and PTSD when i got clean, so I spent a few years in trauma therapy, which helped a lot.
Then, another turning point. Just before my 2 years, I found out that my cancer had come back. I was devastated. Here I was thinking how unfair this was; that this shouldn’t be happening, otherwise what did I get clean for? So, 2018 was a rough year. I had a lung biopsy (part of my right lung was removed), another minor surgery, chemotherapy, and then a SCT (stem cell transplant). A few weeks before my SCT, a specialist told me that I would probably never be able to have children of my own after the transplant. That was a huge blow. I felt very sad and alone. Then came time for the SCT. Since the transplant involved intensive chemotherapy, my body needed longer to recover, so I was quarantined in a hospital room for 4 to 5 weeks. I received chemo for 6 consecutive days, then had the transplant. My body was in such excruciating pain, and the days went by so slowly. After a few weeks, my sponsor came to visit me. I had another friend from the fellowship come visit me and she brought me food, some novels, and some crossword puzzles. Each day, there was a friend from recovery calling or texting me to check up on me. I really felt the love and support of the fellowship in that moment. I prayed to my HP, thanking my goddess for filling my life with so much love.
And throughout this experience, I learned something important. Life isn’t supposed to be fair. Our HP’s job is not to make things easier for us. Their job is to guide us through these tough times, to help us be fearless. To me, being fearless is not the absence of fear; it means having the courage to walk through my fears, having the strength to carry on, and refusing to allow my fears dominate me or affect my decision-making. And now, I don’t think that my life is supposed to be a certain way. I know that struggles and challenges are a part of life. Some people struggle more than others. But that doesn’t mean that person’s higher power loves them any less. It’s just a part of life. And through staring clean through so much turmoil, I’ve discovered that no matter how bad things seem, using substances will always make the situation worse. Before I got sober, I used to make all sorts of excuses for using. “I need to numb the pain”, “I just went through a bad breakup”, etc. These were just things I would tell myself to justify my reason for using and to make me feel less shame. No matter what my hardships are, they will be made 100 times worse if I use.
And today, I am so grateful. I’ve been in complete remission (cancer-free) for over 1.5 years, I live in my own apartment, and I’m independent, responsible, more confident, and financially secure. I’m also very healthy. I eat a plant-based whole foods diet and I workout 5 days a week. I have learn to love myself, trust myself, and respect myself. And in doing that, I’ve learned to love others, trust others, and respect others. I have amazing and supportive people in my life and have a great relationship with my family. I try my best to align my actions with my values. And I actually have many interests, hobbies, and skills that I didn’t even know I had before. Things like exercising, writing, creating artwork, learning languages, cooking, baking, activism, and of course staying sober. And lastly, I not only set goals for myself, but I achieve them. I get things done, and am so motivated, perseverant, and determined. I have so many visions and goals for things I hope to achieve. And I can honestly say that I have found happiness.
If anyone is struggling, please know that if you put in the work, one day at a time…things will get better 
I have so much joy in my life. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do this on my own. We are all so much stronger together. Thank you! 
Thank you so much. Hope you have a wonderful day.