New day, new vision, new way of life

[NZGuy]

New day, new vision, new way of life

You know your addicted when you can’t go without, the urge is stronger than real life tasks, the sun is shining and I was inside lost in a screen of ever changing porn that stems back a long way. Its easy to hide, it was totally free and it started interfering with me

I’ve been searching a long time for a way out, and hope here today is the start of a new way.

As time goes on I would love to share my story, how it began, how it evolved, how I got hooked

Happy days

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Welcome to the forum! And congratulations on beginning ur sober journey! Hope to see u posting more

[NZGuy]

Thank you! I’m happy to be here. Hope all is well in your world

[Madds]

Hey @NZGuy, welcome to Talking Sober. Can’t wait to hear your story!

[NZGuy]

Thank you Madds:

And here goes part one, well before the age of 10 years old (to put things in context, I’m now in my 50’s) and we are at a mates house, no parents were home and we stumble on our friends fathers playboy magazines…. and wow we couldn’t believe our eyes, seemed harmless at the time, and a bit sneaky and to be honest it probably was harmless. One little problem…. now and then there was the latest issue so what started as fun became I wonder if the next one was there and so on and so on.

1st early sign, now there was desire (I know this now) but even young I developed an eye for the mature woman I would see in magazines. There were weekend sport papers, calendars, playing cards in the local bookshop who happily sold me a pack of playing cards with nude woman on the back, without realizing I had developed a desire for older woman, but at such a young age that reality was unknown to me, I just knew what I enjoyed looking at.

Next problem: Erections and plenty of them. I had not even hit puberty and had now discovered the immense feeling I could get from masturbation and yes I did, lots of it. Again with no understanding of the greater implications at my age, this activity aided along by a magazine. This went on for many years, quietly I could pick my moments and be discrete. and so on and so on and so on….

I was a late bloomer, did not hit puberty till over 15, this impacted me mentally, thought something was wrong but did not know who to ask, I relied on reading material available at school and in the library and felt like it would be ok, and it was in due course, but it hit me hard mentally and impacted me for a few years, again kept it all to myself

Stepping in to the working world: WOW 16 years old and now in full time work, in an adult environment where every one at work was male apart from a couple of ladies in the office. And guess what was plastered all over the workshop walls…..calendar pin ups, from many previous calendars 12 new pages every year and there was plenty, with the odd centre fold from magazines. Without even knowing I still had a desire for a more mature woman, I did not have girlfriends at school, and still of an age were I wasn’t sexually active, I still new my boundaries. By the time I was eighteen it came very close to going horribly wrong when I started finding my friends mothers attractive, to the point where I got a bit flirty, first time didn’t work and I knew my place and I settled down. Then there was another friend who’s mother I got very close too, I won’t elaborate but I got very close to crossing the line, luckily we both without words knew the wrong that was about to happen and I left……

But as you can see I had a mind full of imagery that had more control over me than I thought.

Life settles down for a while and I go about doing all the normal things you do of that age, lucky for me still without a computer and actually life was really good

I’ll write this section another day, but my next subject will be “The introduction of the home computer”

Happy reading, this is the first time ever I’ve offloaded all of this, and now I have I have even more motivation to stop the on screen adult content

[Madds]

Thank you for sharing your story up until that point. I think it’s brave of anyone to be open and vulnerable in a safe space like this, and it absolutely helps and matters. It’s crazy how so many of us have stories from childhood, where our addictive behaviors started. We had no idea what we were doing to our adult selves when we started. Stick around, keep telling your story, and remember to check out the active and supportive PMO community on here

[EthanHunt]

I can relate a ton to your story so far. My addiction started in childhood as well…

I’ve always loved to read, so my very first exposure to porn was not looking at images. It was reading a collection of erotic short stories that belonged to my older brother.

I didn’t really know what I was reading, but it excited me, and it for sure caused my imagination to go into overdrive.

I was raised around a very strict religious environment, so I learned early how to keep secret everything I was doing.

Much longer story short: Over the years, I’ve watched all kinds of porn to masturbation; spent thousands on phone sex, online sex chats, adult shops, & strip clubs. Since being married, I’ve cheated with sex workers, co-workers and what used to be one of my wife’s girlfriends (and, I was still using online chats & porn).

My wife almost divorced me, but (for some godly reason) decided to stick with me. She loves me more than I have ever loved her, apparently.

That’s why I’m here… I want to learn how to love my wife the way she deserves. I want to feel like a true man, who can serve others and govern his own life, rather than being a completely selfish loser… I want to be free of all this painful life baggage…

*I am so glad you are here. I want deeply for you to succeed at gaining your freedom. I believe this community can help you, and I hope check in frequently… and also, thank you for sharing your life with us!

[NZGuy]

Thank you, sounds like you have had a bit of a bumpy ride yourself, and yes absolutely hold on to the woman who loves you if that’s where you want to be. You will feel better and so will she, you will probably feel stronger together. I am currently single, I have children, but I’m not with their mum anymore, think I stuffed that up too! I was there as a provider but emotionally a bit vacant luckily, we were both professional enough to raise our children into fine adults.

Thanks for your message, stay strong

[NZGuy]

Thanks Madds, its been a long time coming and I realise if I don’t get it out of my system, I’m cheating myself. Here I have some accountability, support, and the opportunity for others to learn, I hope I’m here in the future successful with a clean mind. And cheers, in three days I’ve discovered there is some really cool people here!

[NZGuy]

lol, scratching my head wondering, how do I keep this thread going…. do I just reply to myself see what happens

The introduction of the home computer………. there was a period of many years when life was pretty good, I met a fantastic lady to whom I now have children with, we have since been apart for many years, but when it comes to the children, we are one.

We had a good home life, stable environment, good jobs and life was busy all the time. Somehow with friends the subject of computers came up, you know those ex-lease, office computers so we decided to buy it, WOW windows 95, and a dial up connection (hopeless, but nis was enough) we mainly used it for a tool using the office products and for that it was very efficient, at the time we were working from home in small amounts as well so the computer served us well.

The early cracks started to show, and I didn’t even know, we were so busy being busy we forgot about ourselves, we ran an amazing household but that’s all we were doing, the worst part is she tried to reach out, and I was missing the point, but despite this we kept trucking along.

One day at work my colleagues were talking about what they had seen on the internet “Gulp” it was alarming and until that day had not crossed my mind how truly powerful the internet would be, and so the searches began, even thinking back now makes me cringe. It was all pretty lame and your typical porn, but I had figured out I can delete the history, and of course I only looked when no one else was home, this is one of the issues, porn is an addiction that often no one else sees, I’ve almost been sprung a few times but not completely and it was never enough to scare me to stop. So, the pattern went on. Eventually our relationship ended my emotional detachment had eroded it away, so now we are in split homes, kids coming and going via shared arrangement as you do, and to be fair it was efficient, we were always efficient.

Now is when 20years of porn is about to start damaging my world, because now there was no one around and I had free time and use it I did, so bad that porn became my sexual outlet. Being single I had new girlfriends (or woman friends now) same pattern all would go so well on the surface but always emotional disconnect would be looming and again I’d be the looser. Sometimes I couldn’t perform sexually because I had already masturbated and I had nothing left to give; this never went well. I stopped dating for one reason, I knew I was hurting people, so I got on with life being me and doing what I do, yes people got suspicious, but I blamed it on life “I so busy….. I don’t have time for all that” and often still do.

This went on for many years, often I was unable to concentrate on other things until I had watched porn. up until a few days ago I still was. Data is cheap, and porn is free, to date I live with others and know if I switch off the volume no one can hear. I know all the sounds of when cars come and go and am fully aware of when no one else is home, I got so good I could tell what part of the house the floorboards creek and so I never got caught.

It got so bad that most weekends Friday night porn would go to two or three the next morning, and again with my morning coffee. I would get up to start chores and last about 20minutes and back in front of the screen hurting no one but myself. Red eyes on workdays, looking like I was stoned, how to fix it, eye drops from the chemist to clear them up, got a headache from lack of sleep, easy double up the painkillers and on a really bad day wash them down with a can of coke or two.

So, sleep deprivation, lack of concentration, being unorganised and always behind on things I need to do….. but I could always put on a brave front, rather than try to heal myself I just got better and better at masking it all.

My next time I write will be about the type of content, not in great detail. more about what is being created and how it’s being delivered, it’s what nearly pushed me in to a bad place and made me want to stop, I was losing complete control…… until then

Happy days

[EthanHunt]

Another very familiar part of the journey.

Thanks for continuing to share. And, I am super happy for you that you have gotten to the point that you are committed to overcoming this enemy in your life.

*I also appreciate you being sensitive to others like myself in the community. I know, with my own self, I hesitate to share certain parts of my story (even now), because I don’t want my commentary to somehow be triggering for anyone else…

So, it’s good that you don’t want to give too many details.

Meanwhile, again, I’m glad that you’re sharing. I sense that we are definitely rowing the same boat together!

[Clearhorizon]

I think its great that you are taking control of this aweful addiction. It’s shrugged off as harmless by some people but what most fail to understand is that the psycological aspect is often the deepest part.

Similar to yourself (and i guess everyone else) I started at a young age. I have always been gifted with great imagination and I love fantasy and sci fi so when you combine this with a massive dopamine drop then you can guess where it leads.

Playing cards, catalogues, magazines (both pornographic and non), old paintings, drawings, photos, pausing recorded tv shows, films, and music videos. I could always make it work with enough imagination, most things didn’t require much nudity (still dont).

I won’t go too much into the fantasies I have. Not out of fear but I dont want to trigger anyone. Fantasy, sci-fi, it can’t be done with current tech. Whatever you’ve guessed is probably the right one. The reason it’s so important is that it’s so unattainable, no matter what I could always escape into this world and make it real.

As time went on school came and went, I failed everything, some exams I didn’t even attend. I got low paying jobs, i went home to fantasy land. I had business’s, they failed because I gave more time to addiction than to water the gardens of my future. Now I had computers and smart phones, things got easier to work with. Worst of all though, I had a fiance (together 12 years) who was so loving and had such a big heart. I rarely ever got intimate with her, I couldn’t wait for her to leave the house so I could indulge myself. Shameful, just shameful.

Through the years I’ve hit some real lows, maybe I might be brave enough to share sometime.

I’m almost 40 and I’ve watched society grow around me. I finally admitted to being an addict just over a year ago. I’ve been fighting and relapsing ever since.

I’ve quit smoking, weed, painkillers, and more. However this is by far the toughest addiction I have ever faced, by miles.

It’s a horrible, absolutely awful addiction.

[NZGuy]

@Clearhorizon @EthanHunt @Madds @Butterflymoonwoman Thank you all, I enjoy reading your comments, and value this platform that I discovered, you know that saying “where do I start” and the simple answer is, At the beginning, and that’s exactly what I have done, it’s helping and motivating me and if it helps others along the way then that’s even better.

Now systemic failure, that’s pretty much the place I was starting to go, even though I was so good at cover ups, now and then cracks would show, at work with massive bags under my eyes and dark circles, yeah not a good look, and a colleague once said “Hey! what’s up with your eyes” allergies I said “But it’s not allergy season”

I am very well respected at work, and am able to work in high demand and under pressure, and lead teams, its what I do, but I started making mistakes and I would blame it on a Senior Moment, that’s only good for a few times. Then I nearly fell asleep at the wheel of my car, well actually I did I woke when my head bobbed forward and I suddenly realized that I lost sight of the road for a moment. Yes a wake up call that could have cost me my life, driving on an open road between 80 & 100km an hour.

The content, I am not going to be explicit here, more about how its delivered.

So the porn addiction that took me deeper was helped along by technology. Its what you like to see (BTW I only watched legal content) Imagine you favourite content in HD clear crisp and all looks so perfect, speed it up a bit add music and sounds that taps in to the brains attention and its near impossible to look away.

A clean way to explain it is along the lines of Blipverts, I put a wiki-link here so you can read a clean version of what’s possible, problem is we are now in the modern era and people are smarter.

Blipvert - Wikipedia

My advice, do not search this type of adult content, I almost followed through with random hook ups with strangers, yes to have sex but more fro the excitement of bringing the porn to life. How many more signals and red flags did I need to say STOP!

And here I am on this site, and I can honestly say, atm, I feel great.

What I knew wouldn’t work. Support groups that I have to physically attend due to shame and embarrassment, and having to go often, would have found it inconvienient, and worried who else might be there.

Paying for private counselling. Due to adding financial pressure, and I would have told lies to get the answers I wanted to hear.

Telephone support. I would have wasted their time and mine, because I simply would not have opened up

Where to from here?…… Well as this site says “what’s your plan” My plan is……

To have a Goal= to have a clean mind

Mindset= I have a choice, no one made me watch adult content, I chose to, so I can choose not to.

Remain accountable= On a platform like this, share and care, help yourself and help others.

Reset= Declutter and reorganise life, just start behaving like a functional person

Professional help= Medical, I will need to come clean with someone eventually like my Doctor, probably with erectile dysfunction, my brain understands arousal in front of a screen

Diet & Exercise= Keep good health, without going to crazy, but nremain fit and well

Tools= I have a check in calender that I downloaded on my ph from google play store, its a habit tracker and you can tailor it to suit yourself, there are loads available, just choose one that suits. I intend to share screen shots on here, this weekend after one week staying clean(my first small goal)

This will all take time, but I think the key will be to stay busy and on task, realistically when you read my plan, it’s just everyday living

Happy days everyone….. I will be here on a regular basis hope you all will be to and with it comes much success

[Clearhorizon]

Thanks for sharing this, its interesting to read about others experiences with PMO addiction. Like I previously mentioned, I think the addiction is a lot more psycologically entrenched than most realise. I once met a woman who had an eating disorder (binge eating) and she explained to me that because eating is essential to life you cant just stop. Instead you must change your relatonship with food. I believe that PMO can be similar.

You clearly know whats going to work for you in terms of help and support, and I can tell you have given it a lot of thought especially with your plan of action.

The part you mentioned that sticks out to me the most is that of choice. In the last 24 hours I have been very close to a relapse. What has helped me not give in is the realisation that its a choice. I keep saying to my myself “you know the end result already, you know what a relapse will bring”. Then when im trying to convince myself to give in, I say “Look. Do what you want, but understand that it’s a decision you have made at this point. You cant cry victim or say I was coerced by circumstance. You must take responsibility for your actions”. It seems to work for me.

To finish, I reference the psycology and relationship with PMO aspect. I require very little nudity, I can let imagination do the heavy lifting, which makes this all the more difficult. However, I think shifting responsibility away from the fantasy itself to oneself is a great way of realigning the relationship and taking control of addiction.

[Madds]

Hey @NZGuy great plan! Keeping moving has been a big part of my sobriety, so i love to see maintaining physical health have a presence in anyone’s plan. It sounds like there are lots of amazing changes stretching out on the road in front of you. I’m excited to see how good you’ll feel with all that in place.

[NZGuy]

Yes it is difficult, my body and brain is protesting a bit, because I’ve suddenly changed the daily routine, and my outlet, so I’m a little irritable. But a relapse would be far worse, so the focus has to be on recovery and rebuild, I have not mentioned this before, but I am single and eventually would like to be able once again share my time with someone that I can be close to, if I don’t change my ways it will never happen, and its the simplest of things we miss out on, like sitting together in the morning sun drinking coffee, you don’t even need to share a word as long as you feel connected, crawling in to bed at night when its cold outside having the extra body heat and connection with another. I lost all that and I want to be able once again to share my time and space and be close to someone. I’m a fairly normal guy living and doing all the normal things, but the path I was on was going to be a train smash that I would have been unable to hide. Already in a few days my attention span is better at work mainly because I haven’t wasted my night in front of a screen until 2am. Historically I always gave in, if I ever do this time I will be so angry with myself because it will just push me away from moving forward. To anyone reading, if you have the passion, the drive and an end goal in mind you can achieve anything.

[NZGuy]

Thank you @Madds, yes I just need to stand strong and stick to the agenda, better days ahead, there is no turning back now, speed bumps and hurdles I just have to get over them, Cheers for your support, hope all is well in your world

[Clearhorizon]

I would often get angry and dissapointed with myself after a relapse, its only natural when you commit to an action contrary to your goals, especially if the payoff is unfulfilling and short lived. I found that anger and dissapointment were the most destructive part of the relapse because I would hit a shame spiral and have no motivation to try again. I dont think shame and similar negative emotions should ever be an effective motivator for sobrierty, you cant build great things on bad foundations. I also dont think they should be ignored either but acknowledged as a symptom of addiction. Same as counting the days, I’ve learned now not to see it as a goal or like a video game high score but a benchmark of progress.

Relapsing doesn’t wipe all the progress you have made, you earned that progress and it’s yours to keep. Whether its been 1 day or 100 days its not the end of the world as long as you can get back up, cash in what you’ve learned from this round, and carry on with the attitude and goal of sobrierty in mind.

I’ve found this approach to take off a lot of pressure and help me focus more on the deep soul searching work which I believe will be more impactful and helpful with recovery in the long term.

Thats just my opinion though, everyone has to follow their own path and do what works for them.

[NZGuy]

Thank you @Clearhorizon I value your views, and those of others, regardless of what someone is challenged with there are often similarities, and even if you only learn one thing from another, it’s one more thing you know and another tool to help, and hopefully people learn something from me, it’s one of the great things about this community, it has a kind of motivating circular affect.

One of my biggest challenges this week has been getting to sleep, my body clock is used to being awake late, otherwise I have been feeling pretty good. The weekend coming up would have been a risk factor, but I have goals and objectives to work on, and get started on and I’m motivated to do that, looking forward to sharing with you all