New guy story. Ramble. Rant. Not sure what it is

Your Story
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Hello,

My name is Bill and I am an alcoholic.

I have no issues with admitting that. I have known it for over 30 years. I come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts. It’s just in my DNA. As for moderation… What’s that? There is really no area of my life where I have successfully incorporated moderation. That is changing a bit as I get older but it is a struggle.

I found this web site about a month ago when I was Googling something about booze. Got that info but ended up staying for the MEME wars and have since started checking in on some regular posters. So I thought I would sign up and say hi.

I am not a daily drinker anymore, I am 54 and my body simply cannot take that level of abuse. I tend to binge drink vodka, sometimes for several days at a time. When I do that it literally takes me a week to recover. I suspect that I am not even fully recovered at that point but I don’t truly know because I never make it more than a couple of weeks before I drink again.

Alcohol has caused me a great deal of trouble over the last 35 years. I won’t blame everything negative that has happened in my life on booze but I can’t think of any situation that would not have been better without it. I have gone long periods of time without drinking, I have regularly gone months and once I even went 5 years. When I am on a dry spell I have no problems with being around drinking or in bars without indulging. I even like the fact that I am sober and in control of myself and my surroundings.

About 7 years ago I was diagnosed and treated for a rare form of cancer. I was told that I had at least 5 years but probably not 10. It was very traumatic. A few months later they told me that I was fine and that I was not going to die from this. That was good news but it isn’t a bell that can be unrung.

6 months after cancer treatment I rolled right into a divorce after being married for 20 years. I won’t get into too many details but it was unnecessarily acrimonious. The ex went out of her way to alienate me from our two teenagers and I was in no shape to really fight back and assert myself. So I spent years of working two jobs, feeling sorry for myself, going further and further into debt and feeling incredibly isolated. I felt that my wife and children discarded me and for the most part they did.

Starting about three years ago I started trying to get myself together. I filed for bankruptcy and got out from under crushing debt. (Let me tell you, there is no shame in that game, if you are in debt up to your eyeballs it’s something you should consider). Started asserting myself more with my children with varying degrees of success. (they are 21 and 19 now so they are no longer under the direct control of their mother). I started working a second job because I need to save up for a few things and also take my ex back to court for a few routine issues. Routine but lawyers still want a retainer. And I somehow managed to meet and start a relationship with a wonderful woman.

What’s the problem? Life is not perfect and I have some issues to overcome but you would think things are looking up. However, I not only keep binge drinking, but over the last 18 months I began to text and post nasty and sometimes inappropriate stuff that shocked me when I read it. It’s not even stuff that I really think, just drunken stupidity. It has caused issues at work and with my family and it is very embarrassing. I closed down my FB account and have deleted people from my cell contact list so I wouldn’t get drunk and do it again. I have managed to avoid losing my job or incurring any other serious consequences but my luck will run out sooner or later.

For quite a while now I have been promising myself I would stop drinking but I only make it a few weeks and then go on another 2 or 3 day bender. My girlfriend works 12 hour shifts multiple days in a row so I tend to drink alone while she is at work so she doesn’t really know the extent of the problem. (Left to her own devices she will drink too much once in a while also but she is more disciplined than I am and has said she would be fine with us not drinking. And for reasons I do not quite understand she is very tolerant of me and my quirks. It’s almost to the point of enabling but her heart is in the right place).

So yesterday, Sunday 6/6/2021, after not drinking for 7 days and with my girlfriend at work I decided to get a 375ML bottle of vodka at around 3:30pm. You know, just one and I will be in bed by 9 and okay for work. Well by 5:30 that bottle was gone and I thought…. What the hell, it’s early, might as well get another. So I drove (DUI anyone?) to a different liquor store and got myself another bottle. Predictably enough, here I am, came to work an hour late with a hangover and there is no way I am getting anything done today. I have things I wanted to do today for work and personal and none of that is going to get done and I feel like a piece of hammered shit.

I am tired of feeling like a piece of hammered shit.

Thank you for reading all of this and I hope it made at least a little sense.

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Hi Bill and welcome here! Your story was really well written, lol… and compelling. I do hope you stick around. Trying to get through today without drinking and get your head on the pillow sober, that’s all you have to do today. :slight_smile:

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Hi Bill, and welcome.

Like you I’m an alcoholic…and for years I just abused my body and relationships. In the beginning of my drinking “career” I was good…meaning I wasn’t a belligerent hammered mess, but as time went on; I hid more of my behaviors and my choice of drink changed.

In my Teens and twenties it was Beer mostly. Late twenties early-mid thirties wine…late thirties to early forties vodka. Vodka was the nail in the coffin for me …and in December 2020 I decided no more…

It’s just a very heavy rock to come out from, but please know you can get from under it…and this community is a great first step and tool to staying your course.

Your road will never be easy, but it’s a road worth traveling. It’s a road you don’t walk alone, and the destination can be beautiful.

So happy your hear…never lose sight of your strength!

Looking forward to chatting and sending you positive vibes :rainbow:

Blessed Be

:blush::raised_hands:t2::ocean::sun_with_face:

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I hope you find a meeting to get some support to keep your sobriety this time. I hope for you that you won’t have to pick up alcohol again :pray:

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Thank you.
I have been reading daily for a little while now.

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I was thinking about that story on my 50 minute drive to work this morning and it still took me over an hour to write it… and I am still not sure I said what I wanted to say.

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I sounds like u understand that things are unmanagable, and that one is never one. In these online times, why not try an aa or smart meeting. Just listen with camera off. You will feel understanding and companionship.

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Your story is so similar to thousands of others and unfortunately while we are in it we can’t see the woods for the trees, we don’t see the insanity of alcohol. Most of this wouldn’t have happened if sober and 5 years sober here and there might have seemed fine at the time but where has it lead you, all the way back to the start.
While your at the start maybe it’s a good time for a fresh one and a fresh attitude towards alcohol. People of our condition cannot have one drink ever this may seem impossible and that’s why we do it one day at a time. Support from other alcoholics is also an advantage bc they are the people who understand. You cannot change the past but you can put measures ( not vodka ones :joy:) in place today to have a better tommorow. I wish you well on your journey and please reach out any time.

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The last 2 posts are dead on. I cannot have just one. I can when I’m at a restaurant or at a friend’s house but doing that successfully simply encourages me and makes me think I’ve got things under control and next thing I know I am home alone with a bottle of vodka.

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I’m not going to be a big book basher but you need to know there are groups in all kinds of formats with years of experience waiting to help people like you. please don’t deprive yourself years of sobriety like I did thinking you can do this alone. If it’s not for you at least you can honestly say that you have tried everything, what’s the worst that can happen?.. You stay sober!!

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Yep, control myself with people, but what I really want is to black out, so I will do that later, by myself.

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Day 2

35 Hours after last drink

I am not going to be emoting on how I am jonesing for a drink or have the DT’s or anything like that. I have no issues drying out and sobering up for the first few days. I start getting antsy after 4 or 5 day’s and want “just one or 2 drinks”. I was reflecting on all the problems drinking has caused me over the past 3 decades and how I just don’t want that anymore but I don’t think I have ever been seriously physically addicted. But I have become very much aware of the toll it is taking on my body over the last few years. Not necessarily in appearance but in the crappy way it makes me feel. I am sure it is affecting my appearance but that isn’t my biggest concern at the moment.

I have a lot of experience with Day 2. I’ve had dozens of them and I want to share a few of the things I have observed.

I usually wake up on Day 2 still tired, feeling crappy and weighing 5 pounds more than I did the day before. I did get 6.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and feel much better than I did yesterday but I am still dragging a bit. Which is typical for a Day 2 morning.

On Day 1 my body is so dehydrated that it holds onto every drop of liquid I consume. I also crave salty junk food. Last night it was fried chicken that is conveniently sold ready to eat and still warm at my local grocery store.…. With extra salt of course.

By the end of Day 1 I have drunk a butt load of coffee and a gallon of water and eaten greasy and salty foods and maybe gone to the bathroom once or twice. Resulting in a predictable outcome in the next few days.

Usually on Day 2 or 3 the dam will burst and I will be running to the mens room every hour or so. Depends on how long the bender lasted. If it is a multi day event it can take 3 or 4 day’s for my body to hydrate and balance itself out. And while this process is taking place I will of course be feeling like shit.

Fortunately the last event on Sunday was relatively short lived and was only like 6 hours of drinking too much too fast. I seem to be recovering quickly today.

Which is a good thing because I have an interesting afternoon coming up. I have a dentist appointment for a routine cleaning after work followed immediately by dinner with my daughter and my girlfriend. This will be the first time they have met so that should be interesting.

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