Hi all. My name is Laura. I’m a 60 year old female who went to rehab 1/7/24. I went to Rehab back in 2020 but that time I didn’t go on my own. Friends and family intervened and did an intervention. I came out and stayed clean for only three months. I blamed a lot of it on Covid but it was because I wasn’t ready myself. Late last year, I went on a cruise with 40 people and was plastered the whole time. My boyfriend of Almost 2 years came with me and I don’t think he liked what he saw. I spent Christmas day with him and his family, and then everything went astray. New Year’s Eve I had friends over at my house and was drunk and then we went to the bowling alleys. I was wasted before I even got there and before I even rolled a ball I fell flat on my face. I was bleeding everywhere. My boyfriend told me the next day the little girl I was talking to on the lane next to him said to him is your wife really that drunk?. How embarrassing and I didn’t think anything of it . I think the worst thing I did that I found out the next morning was I peed myself in the bowling alley and my friend had to drive me home. After New Year’sI called into work for a week straight. I was tired of looking at myself and called the rehab that I had one two back in 2020. I called a friend to ask for a ride and did everything on my own. Rehab wasn’t easy. This time around it was packed and most of the people there were on fentanyl. I wasn’t very familiar with that as I was an alcohol I drank my whole life. Clients were thrown out for bringing in drugs, and people were put on documentation for missing groups and I witnessed fights in the cafeteria. I also was the only girl there who had to sleep in a twin bed. I told my counselor I was humbling myself because really I just wanted to leave. I tried to leave after just two weeks and when I was done with my counselor, she called my best friend Brad who said I could leave, but nobody was coming to pick me up. He named off about 10 people who I knew and he said all of them had agreed that they weren’t going to come and get me. I had to take a good look in the mirror and I decided that they were all right that I needed to complete the program. . I knew I was going to be retiring in 2025 and I had to do something quick because I didn’t wanna retire as a drunk. Fast-forward I will be one year sober January 7. I’m not saying it’s been easy because it hasn’t been. I’ve been at my job for over 24 years and people couldn’t believe I even had a problem. They didn’t know that I went home every day after work and drank and then I would have to go to a different store each day to buy beer because I didn’t want the people to know that I was drinking every day… I have a great network of friends, but sometimes like now I just sit and cry because I don’t know if I am truly happy. I don’t think I even remember what it’s like to be happy. I am a very friendly person and I talk to everybody and have a ton of friends. Why do I continue to feel this way? I question myself sometimes… My boyfriend is so good to me and very proud of me and treats me good and then I questioned myself and say, do you really care about him? I don’t know this may sound crazy to all of you. I don’t do AA meetings anymore. I haven’t done one meeting since I’ve been out, but I have kept sober. I think I came on here to see if this is normal to feel this way. Before going to Rehab the first time I don’t think there was a day I didn’t drink for over 30 years. I do feel so much better not waking up in the morning with a hangover, but sometimes I just feel depressed and I really have a good life. I don’t understand it… I figured I better join something as I might need some sober support from people who understand. Regardless, thank you for letting me join and I look forward to it sometime speak with you. Thank you all for listening
Welcome and big congratulations on your sobriety. This is a great place to be where you can post and read how others stay sober. Read around and find topics you can connect with. I am very pro AA and suggest you try another meeting when you can.
Thank you. I’ve lived in my town, my whole life and I found when I did go to Meetings. They weren’t very honest. I did travel for meetings, but I am considering joining a woman’s group. At least I appreciate you reaching out.
Lots of online meetings also. The women’s group sounds promising. Again
Hi @Laura60, welcome in from the cold, please pull up a chair and join us 
It sounds like you have been through the mill, in terms of drunks antics and rehab. All the more special to be getting within touching distance of 1 year sober, congratulations! 
This forum is chock-a-block full of other people’s experiences (good and bad), advice, best practices etc. Best way to engage with it is to use the 
button up top and find what is of interest to you personally. Please do join in on some of the threads, we would love to get to know you a bit more and read your experiences!
Some of the threads may give you good tips on how to turn sobriety into recovery (if you haven’t already started on that journey) and how to fill sober time with enjoyable activities and hobbies. Also, you may want to reach out to @Podkova, who is another recent joiner and of similar age to you. Once again, welcome and have a great evening!
Welcome to TS! Glad you’re here with us 
I’m not sure I have too much to add, but I wanted to say congratulations on your sobriety and I’m glad you’re here. I’ve felt in similar places- community like this app and connecting with others really helped me. We’re all in this together. Sending you so much 
My best advice I have is
Don’t drink
No matter what
Good things happen to me a lot of the time when im sober
Honestly, sobriety saved my life
If I get so fked up I can’t protect myself in a emergency, then there’s a problem.
Laura, great work on your 333 days (hoping I did the math right). Oh, and welcome aboard.
Moods come & go for all of us and if we’re doing more work than fun activities it can drag us without realizing it. Then you have the retirement thing in the back of your mind, too.
Maybe consider trying something new that you’ve thought of trying before but didn’t. A new hobby, maybe. Action puts us in charge of our futures. You already did the most important lifestyle modification, but there’s more out there! Hugs to ya
You make a really good point, @Noshame: I live alone and will not be able to protect/rescue myself in case of an emergency if I am passed out on drink or drugs.
Also, it will probably take multiple days for friends and family to realize that they haven’t heard from me and by then, it may well be too late 
Hahaha that’s a very dark morbid thought but it made me giggle
But on a serious note
Yes I’ve passed out in the woods to be found by my friends because I drank till oblivion
Why would I ever do that to myself?
Maybe because I couldn’t understand the power alcohol actually had
There is a point where too much is too much
Welcome. I’m glad you are here, and hope you will stay. I was a daily drunk for many years. I just celebrated seven years of sobriety.
You describe feeling lost, or maybe being at a crossroads, questioning everything, even your relationship with your partner. You are coming up on retirement. I think with all of the changes you’ve experienced over the last year of sobriety, and those you anticipate in retirement, feeling a bit upended is only natural.
Think about how alcohol was positioned in your life? Did it occupy a sort of gravitational center where so much of the things you did, and even the social interactions you had, revolve around drinking? If the answer is “yes”, then when you quit your relationship with alcohol, a void remains. Now you are looking at retiring from your job, something else that made up a huge chunk of your identity. Another void opens. This has you questioning everything.
I felt similar feelings in early sobriety. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I wasn’t working. I found myself pacing around the house. I started walking every evening, while listening to podcasts. Did this for about three months. It helped but I needed something more. I decided to do something I’d always wanted to do, which was to earn a black belt in a martial art. I joined a local school and started taking classes 5 nights a week, and practicing at home every day. It quickly became a lifestyle rather than a hobby, part of who I am. I met other martial artists and I traveled to martial arts camps and retreats. I traned with a world champion. 4 years later, I earned black belt. My main instructor hired me as an evening instructor at one of his schools. Then I became a full-time instructor and manager of that school. When that school closed, I opened my own school.
Seven years ago, I was Steve. Retired Marine. Corporate Sales professional. Father to an adult child, and a tween. Married teetering on the edge of divorce. Alcoholic.
Today, I am Mr. Steve. Retired Marine. Martial Arts Instructor. School Owner. Father to two adult children. Happily married. Sober.
Get to know yourself again. Keep the healthy relationships. Make new, healthy ones. Start doing healthy meaningful things. These things will become part of who you are, and there you will find peace and contentment.
And stay in this community. Learn, share, grow.
Hi Laura, welcome to the forum. Glad you found us.
Congratulations on your sober time. You are doing great!
I’m going to say yes, the way you are feeling is normal. It’s not nice to feel that way, but you are not alone. You are doing the right thing in reaching out somewhere for help.
Honestly, you don’t know what happy is. Being happy while being numb from alcohol is not really happy, it’s a false happy. All of our emotions are messed up when we are consuming alcohol, the good and the bad. We don’t process them when we drink. This is when you need to learn how to process all your emotions.
As others have said, you are reaching a milestone, retirement. That in itself has a lot of emotions tied to it. Almost 1 year sober, another milestone. All your emotions are valid, all normal.
I hope you continue to share with us and that it helps you get through this.
Thank you for that. Awesome advice… I appreciate it and I will do that. I’ve done online meetings in the past and I agree they are good. I just feel like I am doing well, but I think I need more if I wanna keep on staying sober
Welcome to Talking Sober @Laura60 
You have been through a lot. I can only imagine how it must feel to find your freedom from that. Your journey has been rocky but you are in a constructive place now and that is something to celebrate
That is very true and some helpful advice, but I am still working. If I don’t show up to work they do do a wellness check on me. They have done that in the past twice.